curiosity lingers in my veins
as my fingers type in the
four digit passcode that
holds all your secrets.
the thought never crossed my mind
that maybe i should leave it alone,
it is your property after all.
your property that would answer
all of the questions
that could never leave my lips.
my heart leaped out of my chest
where it shattered on the kitchen tiles.
i yearn for your acceptance,
but i believe that you can never
give me the one thing i ask for.
because if you are in conversations
pleading that your beloved daughter’s
sexuality is only just a phase
when i asked you to keep
it a secret in the first place,
you throw away all of my cries
for your love.
my limbs go numb as the words
are stuck on repeat inside
of my empty skull.
and when i look at you
from across the dinner table,
i can’t help but think that
when we meet eyes,
your mind is full of the fact that
you will never love me
because i am an abomination to your beliefs,
even though we believe in the same thing.
“i should’ve seen it in the way she dressed.”
sorry mom, i’ve always been a ‘tomboy,’ as you’d say.
and no matter how much you try
to push me into being a person i’m not,
i’ll always have this love for you
in the heart that you broke.
or did i break it?
after all,
i didn’t have to type in those numbers.
2111.

It’s like everything is still in slow motion, but also a silent film.
It’s like I’m not even sneaking out for a cigarette anymore,
I light one in the room with the door open.
It’s like I’m not trying.
My grades are dropping as well as my bags are growing,
They ask me if I’m sick and I say, yea
It’s the cold
I have a cold

"I'm sneaking out tonight."
"Why?"
"It clears my mind."

She, a light in the dark, left.
Neither Lord nor I know where she went,
Perhaps right or left, east or west.
She told me as she fled: "I just need to vent."
The memories we had, they were a backpack.
When she emptied it out, I knew we'd never get those times back.
The times that we had seemed to haunt her
Those times I'd try to talk to her but my words would slur,
Out of my mouth something stupid would spill,
Again and again, my words would try to climb that hill,
Through my heart, up my throat, and out my mouth.
It happened in a moment,
She was there once,
Gone second,
And lost third.
I understand why she needs to vent.
I understand why she wants to forget.
I understand why she doesn't want this.
She wants to leave it all.
It makes me weak, I want to fall.
I want to fall to the Earth and make her understand,
I love her.
But now she'll never know.


"I Worry About You."

~C

I'm a midnight sneak,
At Google I'll peek,
My eyes grow round and glow,
It's well after midnight, you know,
I'll filch some treats,
Addictions need sweets,
I'm quite house trained,
Computer feeds my brain,
All alone in this darkened room,
Stalking through Google's runes,
Is that five am to prowl?
Shhhh, I'm insomniac midnight Owl!

When I showed up,
Out of breath,
Scared
At 1am
I did not think that taking off my coat could
Ever
Feel so intimate
At 1am,
It was as if I was naked, my arms were the parts of me that no one had seen
At 1am,
My coat was gone and suddenly so were my inhibitions
At 1am,
You pulled me into the bed,
Bliss
At 2am,
The fact that your mom didn't know made every feeling that much stronger
At 2am,
We did things I should be ashamed of
At 2am,
I felt so ******* amazing
At 2am,
We thought your mom was coming in (******* your cat)
At 3am,
My lips were numb
At 3am,
I still wanted more
At 3am,
It seemed you were done
You came,
And then left
At 3am,
I lay in your bed alone, hoping that we weren't
At 3am,
You came back and cuddled with me
At 3am,
You showed me way more than you have ever told me
At 4am,
We decided to stop
At 4am,
I remembered I was supposed to be at home
At 4am,
We talked, and laughed
At 4am,
You told me I was too loud
At 4am,
You kissed me goodnight,
Or,
Was it good morning?
At 4am,
I pulled my coat back on my shoulders,
And walked home alone
At 4am,
I was covered so no one could see me

At 10am,
I woke up thinking:
"wow"

we pretend all day
so ashamed to say
that when..
the sun goes down
we find comfort
amidst our tongues
and weakened souls
..they shouldn't know
because we're great
and they'll shout
they'll gossip
but the more we hide
the easier we break
if no one knows
then we're not proud