I want to find
pure happiness
on the mariana's trench
deep with all of the other
shipwrecks like myself
The ones who couldn't hold
it together even when the water
was calm

I want to find serenity
between the tetonic plates
where the two continents
were separated
like two souls on a
bone chilling winter night
like you and I were
when I saw the glimmer in
your eye fade away
a star died that day,
did you know?
I named all the prettiest
ones after you
3,888 stars
one dying every
day

You're never really
told about how to deal
with loss.
"You'll be okay."
what is okay?
I never really learned
what "okay" was. The
first time I heard okay escape from
someone's lips was when my mom
began accepting her failing marriage
and asked how she felt.
"Okay".
**** that word to hell.

If I asked you politely
Would you quietly *******?
The crap you keep saying
Is like a tubercular cough.
If lies were visible to us
You’d look like a gas cloud.
You don’t just think like a fool
You say it all out loud.

Take a ride on the Reading
Do not pass go.
Go directly to jail, ****.
For a decade or so.
You don’t have any credit
With me, that is for sure.
If you are a disease I bet
Science hasn’t found a cure.

It’s almost like nobody has
Ever taught you about things
Like transparent lying, and
Disgusting racist mutterings.
The only thing that stinks more
Than you is your philosophy.
It’s just psychotic ramblings
And not much else to me.

You’ve lost all your possessions
From decisions you have made.
Now your half interest in hell is
A thousand degrees in the shade.
When you talk, nobody listens
Because they know you will lie.
We hide when we see you coming
And come out after you pass by.

Take a ride on the Reading
Do not pass go.
Go directly to jail, ****.
For a decade or so.
You don’t have any credit
With me, that is for sure.
If you are a disease I bet
Science hasn’t found a cure.

I scream and shout over your shoulder
10 decibels too loud yet it's like it never reached your ears, not a single noise
not even the sound of the truth
can't help but wonder
Do you hear me?

take comfort in the fact no scars, no marks were left on my skin, only salty tears
I tell myself sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me
its all a lie protecting myself, telling myself it's okay
Do you feel me?

choke back tears did it really happen if you can't see it?
too many questions dancing in my head, this won't happen again sometimes we all get out of control right
kisses mean nothing, can't even apologize, am I that worthless?
Do you taste me?

making endless excuses I believe, just to remember that the only affirmation of my pain is locked up in the twisted vault of my memories
still wear your favourite red dress and rose perfume only time you're ever happy
Do you smell me?

other days it's like I'm not even there, out of sight, out of mind, just a distant thought within you but you have to remember that I see you!
I see all of you!
like a ghost or I'm invisible I start to float away
Do you see me?

wasted time, regret, a death sentence I condemned
too many questions maybe this is the end
*Did you ever love me?

"Do you believe in global warming?"
they asked me
as though it was something you could choose to believe in
like santa
sitting on the melting polar ice caps

wondering how else he could tickle our fancies
for our momentary pleasure
one sizzling christmas eve

“but”, they said, “but its all circumstantial,
And”, they said,"all natural,
All part of a cycle,
all part of a plan-
And there’s no evidence anyways"
Is santa melting?
Do ice caps exist?
Who knows!

Who knows?

statistically,
I will die of a very old age, enveloped in the warm covers, my now oblivious tomb, with my hands grasping for a year my mind ran to in its final moments,
that year would be yours,
I named it after you because you seemed to stain every sunday morning with your tears caused by our laughter, the evenings ring silver bells of your warm embrace,
I named it after you because each Monday, as I rose out of that same comforting coffin, and fell into your arms like the wings of an owl carrying me to a higher limb, singing me songs like a mocking bird to make strange voices sound relatively close,
I named it after you because Tuesday's were the days you held my heart to a microphone, you let the world hear me fall deeper and deeper in love with you,
I named it after you because every Wednesday you brought me postcards from the places you visited in my mind, the places I long since forgot in my travels, the places where you planted daisies at every truck stop
I named it after you because Thursday's couldn't be anyone else, not with the karaoke nights and discos, you barged into each door with every intention of making me dance and sing until I felt beautiful,
I named it after you because Friday's were the only days in the week where you let me take you somewhere, where I held your face between my hands and gazed into your eyes, searching for the routes to take to get closer to you
I named it after you, because every Saturday, we walked to a garden, or down a city street, or through art museums, or down river streams, just moving, moving further from the places we've been, our pinkies intertwined, stumbling on each other's feet drunk from the ecstasy of our lovers deep embrace,
I named it after you, because every day you littered these moments with memories I swore I would never forget,
so when the new year bells rang,
and you were miles away,
and I was thinking you were a drop of perfect in such an imperfect place,
and all I wanted was just one taste,
you were taking buses to get to a new mind to conquer

I should have listened to you say, "I shouldn't start the new year with you, if I can't be there by your side to finish it"

Your eyes once light and holy galaxies to me
look at me now like voids upon which I endlessly
search for stars,

Like the nights we spent smoking our last cigarettes
stars, like the moles on your skin that I traced in every last breath before we slept
stars, as vast and expansive as all the secrets we shared with our mouths and then kept
stars, that dot the sky which I lie underneath
when I had you, and then when you left.

I didn't mean to beam up at you like sunlight without remembering to filter through the clouds first
too overwhelming for those eyes that used to shine back unafraid and clear like glass
I didn't mean to make those eyes hurt

And I knew before that sunny days don't last forever
and I knew before that though you were lost in me, you'd find your way out someday,
that I was your city and you'd wander my streets without any guarantee that you'd stay,
but all the while I hoped that us being together
meant something greater than metaphors about cities and weather.

You don't understand how important it was just to be held by you,
how just your heartbeat could make me feel like one of the lucky few
who managed to really love someone
and be loved by them too.
And as I wrap myself in the photo-negatives of our memories I wonder why it is that
you no longer see these things like I do.

I never meant to create friction, but I set myself on fire anyway
just to give you warmth when you weren't cold,
just in the hope that when we were old and twofold
we'd be timeless.
I never understood that sewing our hearts together would make such a mess when you tore yours away,
but you took the stitching with you, and when I tried to make you stay
you ripped my heart in half too,
and you didn't even mean to.

So now I'm better suited to darkness
but all I can think about are those eyes, those eyes I'm so accustomed to
void of light that once gleamed through
every time you smiled that smile, meant only for me
eyes now dark, unlike mine that shine with tears clear like glass
with the salty residue of fear you leave every time you say goodbye to me
I never really knew it would feel so empty.

Maybe that's why I can't stand daylight, now
when it burns through my windows and doors.
I can't bear to be reminded of your smile
when it's not for me anymore.

What would you do if I told you I love you?