No one knows me better than my demons.
I’ve been caring for them, nurturing them
like a parent afraid to see them leave.

My demons have remained faithful to me.
There is no part of me more forgiving.
I’ve fought with them, and tried to destroy them.

But my demons never abandoned me.
They’ve stayed with me, always speaking to me
kindly, with their gentle, sensitive voice.

My demons are my intimate partner.
At my worst and earliest suffering,
they arrived, eager to help me adapt.

My demons epitomize devotion.
They don’t have feelings for anyone else.
They only care about protecting me.

Sometimes, I try to confront my demons.
And then they just listen, like a friend should,
and offer to let me live without them.

But my demons know better than I do.
Feeding on self-loathing, the more they eat,
the more self-loathing I am to become.

My demons have figured survival out.
If I just choose self-loathing over love,
they will stay a part of me forever.

Ha ha ha ha ha
Sound echoing in my ears
Voices are so much clear
From the ones who were dear
Your laughter sounds shrilling
Hoping it to not to become a soul killer
Happy hours from ten to ten
Then your so called brother only yelled
Then the Clock strikes eleven
Not able to recall whom i talked to even
So many attempts to call you,
Just to hear machine voice telling the place i fear
Call to messages i tried a lot
Only get my heart to blot
It was really you who talked so sweet
But i guess, i got too late
To see the flags flying in sky
With bold letter imprinted with ‘cheat’
Mind is not letting the moment to flee
Were you the really one put on speaker??
The one speaking the words from ‘his’ mouth.
Or the master mind of the whole scenario
Only the walls know the real culprit
But I am not really crying
Coz I became neutral to the pain all caused
‘Friend’ you considered me as,
Now strangers are more reliable pass
Tossed from one to another
Like I was a rugged doll to play around
Trusted both of you
But without any clue you broke my heart  into few
Hour hand again strikes at ten
This time by my precious gems.
We uttered all the nonsense came into mind
And danced on the silly tunes and the sadness flies.
Those guys are the true treasure of  happiness
Other than them everyone is just *******

You may think I am chasing a dream
Maybe it's a dream Maybe it's an illusion
Does it really matter?  Why do you care?
What am I with nothing to dream of?
Everybody needs an oasis to lust after
Would you rather have me dig my own grave
and lay there silently until it is my turn to die?
I tried that I turned into an imbecile
So no thank you (she said politely)

I want more than to be the living dead
I always did I always will

They want my skin
They colored it with their favorite crayon
They want nothing to do with my blood and dirt
They are as dead as the undead
and I want nothing to do with them
I don't have to please anybody
(again, she said politely)

I only want to please one,
my own oasis

Oh yes sure, but as friend then?
- Why would you say that?

- Remember talking about respect when you wanted to fight?

This is also to me the only thing that makes me angry and want to fight. As you, I have a high respect of myself and don't like to feel ignore, disrespected. It might be a big word just to explain that i don't appreciate when someone read my messages and decide not to reply.

Listen, it's not against you, i understand, you are busy, I might not be your priority. But i learn over the past year not to let anyone taking the chance to be able to hurt me. You might not be the kind of guys who like texting fine, then you should have tell me (same way as you asked me why i left and i replied).

It was really nice meeting you, i would love to see you again but not without disrespecting myself. That's a lot of feeling, but after what i saw in you, I am sure you will understand. I am free tomorrow, if you understand that we can meet. If not i want to tell you that i also feel this connexion and wish you a beautiful week.

--
Self respect is a high value i want to keep. I am mature enough and have been hurt enough not to let anyone getting this power over me.

Some people talk to you in their free time and some free their time to talk to you, i am learning the difference and i am looking to let people in my life only with the second option.

If you are able to rise you standard to meet girls like me.

In my life appears humiliation,
It always reminds my desperation,
Highly bitter is its compensation,
Found the real me, in its reflection.

Hello HUMILIATION!
A small thanksgiving conversation!

You slowly accelerate my life, as a catalyst,
Transform my life like an alchemist,
For successes you stand to assist,
From sorrows you help me resist.

In me, I introspect, I retrospect,
Who am I? Who am I?
Conducted tough exams with a sigh,
There came out a lesson on self-respect.


Deep down! Deep down!
Thankyou architect! My dream was sown,
You gifted a life lesson worth to protect
Every dog has its own self-respect.

Your lessons killed my sorrows,
Like a thunder turned by eyebrows,
I faced human minds, highly narrow
Trying to push me into a deadly burrow.

I knew you are a pinch of salt,
You never let me halt,
To all difficulties I gave back a jolt,
With you, I started to exalt.

Can you do me a favor?
can you kindly stop talking to me
Your rude and inappropriate comments need to stop
im tired of allowing you to get away with the way you talk down to me
simply because i feel sorry for you
You know, being that you’re a new father and all
i can only imagine what its like for you at home
Your wife’s giving all her attention to the baby
the sleepless nights
no recognition for your hard work
it must feel like you’ve lost your sense of control in your own home
and what better way to regain that power than to belittle those with a lesser ranking than you
and even more so, those that you feel like you can get away with talking to, like the way you do to me.
i remember one of the first times you said something to me.
I was new to the department, and things weren’t exactly in my favor
considering i was filling a mans shoes while he was away on vacation.
A strong, hard working man who knows the ins and outs of being a stocker.
Hell, if he really wanted to i wouldn’t doubt his ability to re stock the entire department by himself
This wasn’t an equal opportunists position. I physically did not have the strength to meet the demands that this position so heavily weighed on every employee.
No wonder they place all the females in clothing department, its the lightest department by weight of merchandize. and who better to give the tedious workings of folding clothes to than someone who already bears the responsibility to day in and day out inside their own home.

So, here you come along, and rather than helping me to play catch up while i build the  physical strength to keep up and critique the skills that are required to make my work presentable and worth noticing, you continued to put me down for being the weakest link.
I brushed it off
Directed my frustration towards simply just doing a better job than the day before.
One day at a time, id tell myself. Things will get easier.  
I can go back to that same position today and clearly note the improvements that I’ve surpassed within my own expectations. If we are to be fair, i owe in part, some of that success to my ability to translate your snooty comments into something pro active and constructive.
If i had just spoken up then, maybe it wouldn’t have gotten as far as its gotten today.
Maybe
just maybe,
if i had the courage to stand up for all of the things that you represent. All the things that reminds me of a dark past of being taking advantage of without the power or consciousness to say otherwise.
Maybe -
just maybe ..
but just like that night that still strikes me into paralysis, i become stiffened as your words take advantage of me, only this time i’m awake to feel every jab. Just like that night, those around me are misguided by your ability to a likable person. They don’t question who you are and what you're capable of, because how could you? You are a hard working manager, you make people laugh, and you clearly have a way with your words. Imagine if this had been 2008, when i was still deeply broken and unable to rationalize between what is true, and what you want me to believe is true. Imagine, if i had not yet invested so many years into growing my self worth, my self esteem. Unable to look at myself in the mirror and realize that i have so much to live for and that the exact person that i am today is exactly enough to be whoever i want to be.
I would already be dead.
My soul would have suffocated and be rotting away inside of me.
I would be a walking zombie. Any self esteem would have been re programed into self doubt and hatred towards myself for not being liked by someone who should be encouraging me to be better.
But im not that person.
Unfortunately, you only get ***** once.
After that it's just an attack on the body you once thought was you.
I am no longer this body, and your words cannot hurt the foundation that I’ve constructed, literally, from the ground up.
I am much more than that. I am everything that you fail to see because you’re so busy being demoralized by your own darkness that feeds your mind into thinking that you’re not good enough. It spills out of you and spreads like a disease to others that don’t have the proper vaccinations to resist it. Just know, that you’ll fall way before i even begin to feel weak. You’ll slowly begin to cave in, and your walls will crush you to the bottom.
To the
cold
hard
rock bottom.
And then,
only then -
you can come talk to me.

I’ll never start a fight
Indeed you start the flame,
And I’ll explode
Perhaps it’s my crimson hair that attack’s my soul
But stereotypical propaganda aside
I have nothing to hide
Indeed you call me out
I’ll trash your name
I live for love and peace
But there’s only so much hate one woman can’t escape
I beg for release
And pity your air
You walk with your noise so high
All just to hide your shame inside
All while making me look the fool
But I refuse to take blame for something I didn’t do  
I’ll never start a fight, it’s beneath me
But I will finish it
And sometimes it’s in the unlikeliest of ways
But the best part is really just not caring what the hell you say
Your words rot and decay like ash to the wind
I like to blow them and spit fire, it’s just the way I am
I don’t take any kinda mess or fuss
It’s beneath me

©Jessica Stull