I comment “yes daddy” on your videos
You comment “prettiest gurl” on my photos
We are just friends, but just maybe, just maybe we want something more.

a memory

the delhi monsoon, 2016
smashed inkpot like the sky
my head on the bus’s window
yours too
i said, “so what’s up?”

from there you would often turn around, have a look at me, shake your head, let out a shaky breath, give me that lazy smile and your eyes would be showing adoration, you would turn back and answer to my many questions

we talked about our classes, our future maybe not as a pair but as individuals

at some point, you and I started talking about politics, developing ideas out of the very little information that we had.

at some point, you and I started talking about art, dancing our fingers on the glass, creating figures and emotions.

at some point, we got to school

you stood behind me, the kids were just too slow, because the hormones had yet to be released, you were a little taller than me, your head dropped, and you whispered, "I want to be in the same class"

and both of us grinned, pushing all our feelings out, somewhere gloomy, twilight-like, dark and unseen.

you introduced me to your sister
you told me that you wanted to pursue sports
you said will talk to later

neither did you pursue sports nor did we talk again in person

I'm spinning in circles, wanting someone who might be mine, but I'm too scared to do that, trying to make myself believe that you really don't exist. I'm ******* selfish, yeah.

trapped here with the weight of memories and emotions that I don't want to revisit.

boy, boys are bad for you, I am telling you.

someday i too, will
be nothing more than
a faded memory

nothing more than a
name on the tip of your
tongue or
a brief second glance
in a shop-store window

and although i knew
this was ill-fated
at conception

still, i needed to love you,
needed to know i tried my
best to make you feel

anything

I feel like...

...everything she says, sings, posts and does
Is directed towards me

Every glance taken at me could be a step taken towards me

I make excuses for her actions but I know she ignores me

And everytime she makes a bitter statement I hope its not for me

But maybe that was the problem
Everything had to be about me, me, me...

I'm afraid in your search for god I'll only make the distance grow.
My mind is open to yours, the gates have been flooded.
I want you to be happy,
though, I don't know if I'm what's best for you, or your lord.
I pray for your protection because I love you, not because I'm god fearing.
I haven't been afraid to die for a long time, becoming a tortured soul for all eternity, or becoming subjugated to your lord in heaven.
What I'm afraid of is not living a full life before I go.
I'm sorry if that's selfish.

Give me undying love
My selfishness wants your time
Listen to my words;
They’re more important than what you’re doing

Fill my void
Be something I can’t conflict
Welcome me like I do my self-indulgent thoughts

Fate is but a curious pattern of twists
An ode to the memories you'd rather forget
We are two halves
Two parts of a whole
Chaos ensues when our union is full
Modern day ecosystems are meaningless
We're a draconian species destined to go extinct
Bound by the theories of renaissance
We grab all we can and do whatever we want
Primitive and limited, foresight is prohibited
A far cry from the eyes of Egyptian pyramids
Here comes a blight that weathers no fight
Everyone going in different directions
Like sinking ships that pass in the night
No politicians plan beyond the next generation
Just until the extent of their own destination
The cupboard runs bare
The well has dried up
Millionaires groom their heirs
The muck has run amok
But the maiden was fair
Now we're all sitting ducks
The hourglass fills up at the bottom
Government bodies are callous masses of atoms

I know how it feels to be lied to and alone.
You tore out the stitches in me you have sewn.
I should have guessed when "forever" you intoned.
In your eyes, forever is brief. I wish I had known.