Perfection.
The word loomed over me
i couldn't seem to meet it
i am never good enough
i will never be
good enough
"And thats okay"
they all say
but it never is okat
i MUST
do
better.

I’m sorry.
For allowing you to feel guilt.
For making you doubt yourself.
For not believing you could do better.
For not knowing your worth.
For making mistakes.
For blaming you.
And most importantly..
I’m sorry for not putting you first.

Bittersweet melancholy fills my lungs
As I look upon the things I love
Searching, always searching
For a way to make it better;
Make me better
I feel so lost in a world so cold,
Everyday I'm growing old
But a look inside reveals nothing but a lost child;
Broken and scared, afraid of my own mistakes.
All I want to do is give
But all I do is take,
Another day, another head shake
Trying to clear the cobwebs,
The thoughts, my fears.
A smile hides more than words can ever say,
Still I put one on everyday
With eyes begging for them to see,
And a heart hoping they never do.
Constant contradiction, stress with no relief
Staring in the mirror with disbelief.
When did I I begin to fade away
As numbness starts to grip;
Another day of darkness gives away to winter's nip.

Devil in a mirror imposing voices in your head, causing harm.
Seeds of painful past take root within your dying heart.
Every step you take had lead you closer to the edge - edge of self inflicted doubts.
Insecurities like knifes cutting deeper causing scars.
All alone, walls are closing in as you collapse fighting fear.
Light of truth fading faster as you fall into darkness of your mind.
Chaos building, twisting every memory and thought.
Falling into rabbit’s hole, deeper faster with no way out.
Psychosis taking over, soul is dying losing hope.
Thoughts of red lines up and down your inner thighs relieving pain.
Causing you to contemplate red lines across your wrist to **** it all.
One loud scream as you face yourself.
Devil in a mirror disappears as you close your eyes.
Mind is blank as you take a breath.
Smile across your face as you silence painful thoughts.
Strength is rising, realizing warmth of light is always creeping in through the cracks.

"You're kind of boring,
You never go out,
You stay in you're room all day.
You should be more outgoing..."

Maybe I am boring...
I don't socialize very often after all.
I listen to music all day,
Not the most interesting thing to do,
And I don't have many friends.

I'm such a bore.
People don't like to spend time with me,
They will just forget about me!
I guess I have to live with it...

"I like you we have much in common.
You like art and music,
And you're thoughtful.
But you can be really funny at times.
I think you're an interesting person."

But they said I was boring.
I thought noone liked me,
I thought no one cared,
But you apparently do.

So am I boring?

I take the calories for the calm
The more I take, the more time I have till the anxiety comes back
I see the world through an out of focused lens
Just barely making out enough of the edges to navigate
The nerves and veins in my brain are constantly half full, half empty
How do I get through?
Every push forward is short-lived
I take one step forward
And then push myself 10 steps back in an instant
The calories can’t numb the pain
Can’t push away the parasite of exhaustion gnawing at me in every moment
I’m sinking, sinking
Into oblivion, into the dark hole that welcomes the likes of me
The self doubt crawls out to the surface slowly
“You know you can’t get rid of me” it purrs, “you know you’ll never be enough”
It’s claws caress the insides of my brain
“You can never escape me” it hisses
It laughs, and sinks it’s claws in me further, deeper and deeper
It drags me down further
The monster in the dark
I’m on edge again, gasping for air again, utterly resigned to my fate, again
“I will never escape you” I whisper
Eyes wide in terror, I succumb to the horror of myself
Sink my nails into my flesh, perhaps I’ll wake up from this nightmare
Perhaps, perhaps, oh God please let this be a nightmare!
I plead till my nails draw blood, till my resignation turns into outright terror, till my terror turns into gasping screams
This is not a nightmare
This is life
And actions have consequences
What has passed cannot be undone
And I will never escape.

Write it down
10 times then
Erase it again
My mind is
Racing again
Emotions
raging again

My eraser is gone
Before I even
sharpen the pencil
another line I delete
And I sigh in defeat
I hate what I write
I can't stick to beat
I swear that I can
Rhyme mean
If only I could pick a
Rhyme sceme