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I want to fall in love and write cute mushy poetry.

Mature my relationship and write sonnets about our lives.

Then break up and write sad songs.

Eventually, realize he wasn't worth it And write angry or semi  relieved one-liners.

Ah! the things we are willing to go through,
to be able to write Poetry.
We are all living our own Disappointments.
I write to vent out my emotions while trying not to feel too guilty about having uncontrollable, imaginary conversations in my head.
How I want to help you,
But at the same time, I don't want to be any anywhere near you or anyone.
I want my time alone,
And you want me.
You crave for humans,
Their touch, friends, connections,
And I am happy alone,
Away from you and everyone.

It Physically hurts me, to be around you.
It mentally stresses me, to be in your vicinity.
I count the seconds remaining, every millisecond.
It's not that I hate you.
So it's the lamest of all the reasons " It's not you, It's me"
But it is, it is what it is.
You can't change it, neither can I.

You see me with others
Happy and talking and laughing,
That's only for a while,
You don't get that,
You can only fake for a while.
Then I need to come back and remove the mask at the end of each day.
But do you want to be there with me even then?
No! It's not possible.
I am vulnerable at the Moment
Like and injured tigress,
Like a naked woman.
I don't want to be near anyone,
The least of all, You.

I told you before it is so difficult for me to be with someone for all my life,
All my day night.
You thought it was one of my naive fears.
But I know me, better than you do.
I know it can never work out.
I know I was never meant to be with " the one"
I could never be someone's "the last"
Never was the Woman who will say oh we have been together for so long I can't even remember the years.

Because I will.
I can remember every second, past my wish to be with you.
I will remember each dreadful minute spent around you.
Where you were the albatross around my neck.
Making it difficult to live or die.
Then I will think about your death.
But isn't it a sin?
Especially for someone you love,
Then it will get worse, as you won't die.
So I will think about killing.
**** you, because I'm too scared to leave.
But isn't it illegal?
I'm bound to think like that.
Only if I were not this way, can't change.

Then it'll be my biggest fear/effort,
to save you,
From me,
But who will save me,
From you?
Can you love someone but still detest their company?
The ones who walk fast will reach sooner,

The ones who walk slow, reach later.

And even the ones who don't walk at all will reach the end one day.

We all end up at our destinations.
It's not OKay :

To let people run over you like its a normal thing to do.

To overthink everything and trouble yourself.

To keep thinking about how others react to your response.

To let anyone control your life.

To keep waiting for love and feel miserable because you don't have one.

To keep all your emotions bottled up but there's always someone who cares.

To cry yourself to sleep every night.

To get hurt but not say anything, to avoid conflict.

To not to state your opinions because no one cares.

To feel depressed but not say.

To have that tired feeling all day long and getting it worse in the night.

To wake up every morning and feel disappointed because you didn't die last night.

To be scared of this world and "what's" out there.

To want to fall in love but being scared to ever trust anyone.

To wish to not to live anymore.

To write this all, but never follow it.
For once,
I want to fall in love,
and write,
one poem,
Drenched in
love, hope, and dreams.
Is it too much to ask for?
Those rocks in the middle of the river,
The guide told me, are there for thousands of years,
I  as well, will be waiting here,
The time and the tears,
dissolving them and me,
only to become a drop in the ocean.
We are all waiting for our deaths, aren't we? Waiting is beautiful.
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