STOP; Take your clothes off, it'll be okay, I swear, I'll climb on top
DROP; I don't want to get naked, I'm innocent! I refuse, please stop!
& ROLL; No one will believe you, you're too young;
And they will look at me and think "he's way too old"

STOP; Do as your told and none of this will hurt; I'll be gentle, now get on top
DROP; I don't want to be under you, I don't want to be above you, please, stop!
& ROLL; DO AS YOU'RE TOLD LITTLE GIRL, I'll treat your body like a piece of gold
None of it will hurt if you just obey! But I don't want to be on your pole!

STOP; STOP FUSSING, turn around and lay on your stomach;
Take your shorts and pull them down, if I do it, I won't stop
DROP; Why are you doing this to me?? What did I do to deserve this? PLEASE STOP!!
&ROll; I'm getting sick and tired of listening to you cry and whine,
So shut up and do as you're told!

Been through this with so many different men, I swear they're all the same
I told people, but no one listened because I was too scared to give up their names
So now, I suffer with complex ptsd, and undiagnosed adult ADHD
nightmares that wake me up and cause severe social anxiety,
Forever broken, forever wounded, never healing, forever ******* up mentally
I became an addict for the longest time because of this abuse, especially sexually
I was self harming, trying to overdose, trying to run away;
But with nowhere to run, and no one to tell,
because no one believed anything I had to say

I'm healing now but only as a recovering addict
I turned lesbian for a while and that only covered up the pain
With a woman I really didn't know who she was, pretending with a smile
Swore to myself that I was done and over anything or anyone with a ****!
But here I am, finding myself loving someone who took me away from all this
Someone who treats me like the person I deserve to be, the person I need to be
So how come I'm trapped in this mental spiral of all my wrong doings?
Of all my past relationships and all my past abusers?
They wreck havoc in my mind like the sinking titanic ship
Oh god, those nights where I just wanted to hang myself with my very own whip

STOP; Don't let anyone take control over you! SCREAM AND SHOUT STOP!!
DROP; Don't let someone tell you that it's okay, it's normal, it's fun,
KICK THEM SQUARE IN THEIR NUTS AND RUN WHILE YELLING HELP HELP HELP!!
GET THIS MAN AWAY FROM ME AND MAKE HIM STOP!!
& ROLL; NEVER ONCE AGAIN WILL I BE HUSHED, SHUSHED, OR THREATENED NOT TO TELL,
Because everything that's in the dark eventually comes to light,
and that will be the day that these stories come out and are told!!



Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/18/2025

im getting better
but im scared for the downfall

bite your tongue little one....
don't tell anyone your secrets not even your mom.
hold everything in because that's what you do.
there's no such thing as crying yourself to sleep at night
that's just a myth told by a stranger one....
the shadows aren't real your imagining them.
nothing lays behind the dark curtains blocking your view
I guarantee that to you.
don't run away that is not what we do
I'm telling you there's a light inside of you.
sticks and stones could break my bones but you will never know it.
hide away those scary thoughts for they are not your own.

When you see a man,
Twisted and worn,
Hold your tongue,
Sheath your scorn,

Those living in darkness, grow toward the light.

write letters adressing the closest people in your life
feel bad that you cant write them all letters
try to reassure them that it wasnt anyones fault
that it was bound to happen sooner or later
say sorry over and over again
tell them not to throw you a funeral
to donate your body
clean your room
and everything else you can
make sure there isnt any loose ends
give away your stuff
theyll need it more than you
hang out with them one last time
then
lock your door
lock everything and everyone out
you cry but you know you must do this
take the pills
every last one
no matter how much you gag, they all must go
turn off your light
turn off your phone
and go to bed
one
last
time

Tell me this is not the end
I don't want things to end this way
My hands are numb
I am losing breath
Panic attack
Getts in my way
I am spiraling
My emotions all around
Somehow it feels like the end
But it is just another nightmare night
And tomorrow will be another shiny day
Until the night falls down again

I am scared for my sister
And I am scared for my brother
The world isn't kind and we hurt one another

I am scared for my brother
And I am scared for my sister
Scared since the first time that someone dismissed her

I am scared for my sister
And I am scared for my brother
That some will teach him not to respect our mother

I am scared for my brother
And I am scared for my sister
Scared that I will not trust those who have kissed her

I am scared for my sister
And I am scared for my brother
I want them to be safer than many of the others

I am scared for my brother
And I am scared for my sister

I am scared for them both, I think we all know why
But I am making this oath, I will NOT just stand by

It's like the egg shells
have voices.
They quietly yell at me
whenever I try and make
sense of their shape.

I can't question anything.
If I do, he gets a sharp tone,
and begins to
frantically wave a knife at me.
Reminding me that I have issues.
Pointing out that
I like to cause issues.

I'm scared.

Frightened of the
unknown
of what's known
and of the knife and the man
behind it.
He makes me
go silent.
He yells,
stop panicking!
you're always making
issues!
Stop questioning why I carry a knife!

I hate myself
because I've made him
carry a knife...
and I'm always the reason why he's waving it around.

the question of what I'm afraid of haunts me....
I will sometimes say the darkness, trying to play it off cool.
or maybe it's deep water, and what lays beneath the muggy depths.
I sometimes think it's fire, how powerful it could be, how quickly it could destroy everything just as you turn away.
I could always say it's weather, how the wind howls so creepily
the way the thunder shakes the earth.
there's a million different things I could say.
but truly if you want to know what keeps me up at night.
it's you....
I'll lay in bed and think about how one day you'll me gone.
how no matter how much I love you, it could never be enough.
I know I'm not the prettiest.
my hair maybe too brown.
I don't have a body like hers.
So I guess there's the truth.
I'm scared of losing you.