I’ve done it again.

I’ve let him take you, screaming, kicking, and crying.

Standing in the hallway I put on my armor and prepare for battle. My station - in front of your cracked bedroom door.

Even though I am scared, I am used to this. This armor has weighed on me since you were old enough to talk. I became your shield, your champion, your guard. Nobody can hurt you when I’m around.

And when I start my advance, I am hit with a dark, frantic, gaze that freezes me mid stride; sending chills down my spine, and my only way in vanishes instantly with a muted wooden slam.

I failed. I failed. I failed. I FAILED.

I really believed I could save you. That my words would actually make him stop this time. But I am small, and he is big, and scary, and violent.

And I am nothing.

I have a close friend named fear
He lives and whispers in my ear

He wakes me up, he keeps me trying...
He keeps me living, prevents me from dying

He makes me work, He let me strive
He keeps the guilt in my heart alive

He's like a bond
He makes me bold
Even in my dreams
I'm getting bombed

He makes me scared
He makes me hate
He's the reason today i ate

My friend fear is always near
He tells me run to the bathroom
when i drink to much beer

He makes me fear what i can't see
He gets me anxious, he makes me wanna ***..

I feel like I'm carrying a lot.
No. I know I'm carrying a lot.
I myself can't seem to handle it all,
So is it fair to expect someone else to?
Is it fair to the one that'll claim to love all of me?

I tried it a few times, this love thing
I ended because "I have too much going on" they said.
Yeah I know.
I know this part of me wasn't included in the contract when you signed up
So I let you go without a fuss

Is it fair to put someone where I don't want to be
Is it fair to want someone to be here with
I'm scared for them, I'm scared for me.
But I tired and don't want to be alone anymore
So I tried the casual thing, but it's never casual when it comes to the matters of the heart
How can the already broken be broken.

your true colours remind me of my old bruises
the hues, the truth stuck in my throat
the feeling of being useless
your truth cannot rectify the divide inside
the echoing of inner child cries
the pain is stuck inside
choking on my insecurities
you were supposed to be my security
the foundation is weak
too scared to speak
choking on my impurity
will you still stay through the grey?
when i rain, will you hide away?
strive today for a idyllic place
to lay my head, to plan, protect
to understand your hands
as soft not violent
as truth not sufficing
why is my heart so divided?
can we make amends?

"I love you"

I love you more

"I miss you"

I miss you too

"We need to talk"

What did I do?

"It's me, not you"

Is it really?

*no response

Clutching my chest
I can’t breath
I can’t see
I can’t be
Me

I feel so alone, I feel nonstop confusion
Everyday I am spiraling, feeling like a nonstop delusion
I don’t know who I am anymore
There is a million different choices in life yet I can’t find the right door
I don’t know who I want to be
I want something that makes me feel like me

Do I want to be a teacher and educate our youth?
I feel forced into this position, no matter how hard I hide the truth
Do I want to be a writer and write stories that people will remember?
I love to write but it is not a dream that ignites like an ember
Do I want to be a photographer that takes photos people will cherish?
I feel like every photo I take is always doomed to perish
Do I want to design games that people will love to play
People tell me that my hobbies are only hobbies, no matter what I say
Do I want to teach English and help children learn to read and write?
I’m skilled at what I do yet I feel I fail when I try with all my might

I feel so alone and I don’t know what to do
I write out my feelings in some way to connect to you
I know nobody will read this but I have to get it out
People never seem to listen no matter how hard I shout
How do they expect me to choose when I am only 19
I have such a hard time, all I want is to be remembered and seen
Everyone else knows what they want to do
Yet I haven't a clue, I don’t know what is false and what is true