My greatest fear
Is forgetting how you smiled
The sound of your voice and laughter
Forgetting how you held me 
Forgetting the color of your eyes
My greatest fear
Is forgetting the traits you have
Forgetting our anniversary, our meals
What were your habits and moods
Forgetting everything we had together 
My greatest fear
Is forgetting everything about you
Only to be struck remembering 
How much this stranger
Meant to me

when the rains come
tell them,
tell everyone,
to get an umbrella.
____

it's a field
a beautiful field.
green and green as far as the eyes can see.
It is quiet
and swaying,
and naked.
Wonderfully naked.

I am also naked.
and i can feel it
like worms, digging
within the hollows of my chest.
It is an uneasy feeling.
one that brings my knees to my chest
and binds it all with my arms.
It makes me want to eat myself
and swallow,
swallow till all that remains is teeth.

I am naked
but the grass I sit on is soft
and the sky has a mouth
that he uses to talk of storms.

I am naked
reciting the Psalms of David.
dwelling in the secret place of the Lord
abiding under the shadow of the Almighty.

I saw you today.
Your shoulders filled the frame.
Your eyes looked like pools of hope.
I looked away every three seconds,
pinched myself—
Is this real?

I spoke to you yesterday.
We laughed.
Intimacy is scary.
The faceless souls on the internet
make me feel safe.

They don’t know how I look,
how my hair flies everywhere.
It’s easier, you see.
They’ll never see my thighs,
or squirm at my nose.
But you—
you will see it all.

You are the sun,
and I am the moon.
I’m scared of the eclipse.
When everyone photographs it,
I stay hidden under covers.

How can I tell you?
How can I tell you
about the dreams and demons?
You are so bright—
I’m scared I won’t help the shine.

Dear anxiety,

i know you still cling to me
like clockwork, you never fail
to show up,
control my every move,
like a puppet and its master—

pulling the strings

making me look at my life
through a mirror,
yet I'm forever scared—

to lose you—
old friend.

i walk around in a haze,
but you're there to comfort me,
a static noise i can't turn off

old friend—

i can't sleep without you
sleeping beside me,
sending shivers down my spine,

i feel you touching me,
with your cold breath.

i shiver - I'm scared—
of what you do to me.


but i let you stay.

you influence my speech,
put words in my mouth—
that i didn't want to say.

make me stutter,
’cause i can feel you

clawing at the door—

to let you in
when everything seems calm

i always let you back in

i ask you to leave,
but you make me stutter—

You poison me—

and i end up
begging you to stay

you know you're my weakness.

you may burn everything to the ground,
everything i have—
but i can't get rid of you—

i always hear you calling my name
answer it in a heartbeat, old friend—

you understand me and comfort me,
I'm addicted to the feeling of drowning,
with tears running down my face
I'm addicted to the ghost inside of me—

i hate you
but i still let you in

i regret it.

i stopped feeling
and started accepting—
that you're always here,
you're part of me.