I won’t. I’ll try.
But ultimately it won’t happen.
I’ll sit here with good intentions
I’ll feel optimistic and chipper.
And then I’ll forget

In the end my goal is to improve
But just like many other projects
It’ll end up on the curb.

But I’ll certainly try.
So let’s make this day one.
Perhaps we’ll get to a “good enough” number.

head hung low in the shower after a day without power,
hot streams of water meld with tears,
one cleansing, the other demoralizing, but combined are indiscernible.

fear is to abstract to express the response to the trials of the day,
clumped into the categories of emotions taught in the horrendous brick,
the trauma of being unknown, unloved, ignored and ridiculed is inexplicable.

mortification is more accurate,
mortified of being late,
mispeaking,
failing,
derailing.

what happens when one overflows?
succumbs to express feeling, express humanity?
bursting from pent-up anxiety?
mockery, for being weak, for being honest.

So I trudge day after day,
Say words I don’t mean,
Put on the facade of happiness,
Do my best to please, but always just annoying
Yet no matter what I do,
The resolution is the same,
Returning to the wretched shower.

Stuck between war and peace
Can’t win the fight
Won’t bend the knees

Stuck between cradle and grave
Can’t be a prince
Won’t be a knave

Stuck between the earth and sky
Can’t plant some roots
Won’t let it fly

Stuck between night and day
Can’t silence it
Won’t let it say

Stuck between the head and toe
Can’t keep it in
Won’t let it show

Stuck between a truth and lie
Can’t breathe in life
Won’t let it die

Stuck between joy and woe
Can’t burn it down
Won’t let it grow

Stuck between a yes and no
Can’t make it up
Won’t let it go

2nd of Jan all revved up
Another cup of tea in another tea cup
Back to work sharp and raring to go
Cup of tea gone, the start is slow

Happy New Year you say with glee
The guy over there is staring at me
I pick up the pace and give it some wellie
Oh crap I think he's staring at my belly

Peanuts, crisp, Toblerone and cake
Turkey, trifle all on your plate
Just eat and sit until you're ill
As you tell yourself just sit and chill

Must get fit and lose some weight
Tuesday arrives you come home late
Chicken Pie, peas and a pint of beer
Same old same old Happy New Year!

This whole year,
I spent it being scared.
This whole year,
I did nothing but compare.
This whole year,
I tried too hard
This whole year,
the real me became slowly charred.
This whole year,
I could never measure up.
This whole year,
I told my self I was a *****-up
This whole year,
I was caught
This whole year,
I worried too much about what they thought.
So this next year,
I'm going to love the crap out of myself.