there’s a rush of something to my mind that drags it’s calming palms down the back of my brain.
now i can hear the rushing of blood in and out of my aorta warming up on my cardiovascular walls.
this is what summer suns leaving final kisses to foreheads before a cool moonlight makes way.
something kind of like end of autumn when leaves transition to dust and dusk feels like the first brushes of winter winds.
i am dragging cool, calm, collected, metal across
hot, heavy, hesitant flesh and i feel
nothing until blood starts pumping and then i feel
this unabashed bliss and this unbearable shame.
it’s akin to knowing without having the knowledge the way i crave a humiliating high.

"Your hair will fall out"
"You'll faint and pass out"
"Why must you hurt yourself?"

I don't mean to, I swear
I try to recover
Each time I fail

Skin and bones are what I desire
At least that's what my mind tells me
As my body is starving, fading away

Recovery is hard
Relapse is familiar
My eating disorder is killing me

I was terrified,
But I’m my empty hands I hold freedom
In that I have nothing to lose
I have burnt all my bridges,
Lost everyone who cared about me
The fresh air doesn’t taste like freedom
It tastes like ash.


I was so scared,
But now I don’t feel anything at all.
There is nothing anyone can take from me
I promise, it’s already gone
This is not the perfect freedom I imagined,
My child, forever isn’t build upon dreams
The real ones don’t dream at all

I told everyone I’m getting better
Told them I can see the sun
Makes it so much harder
When I let them down again
When I have to tell them about it all,
How it was never going to happen

Aren’t you sick of me?
Tired of my relapse?
Tell you I’m getting better,
Only to find a text from me
Talking about goodbye
Giving up on me is easy
Be free of my relapse

You want to see me
I’m to scared to go outside
This is the game we play
Pretend I’m ok
Until I’m not agin
This is the way it always works
This is my relapse

don't worry baby it was just a game just a game i know how much you like those i know how much you like the pain and the tragedy and the mother ******* insanity why else would you talk to yourself so much why else would you **** everyone else as often as you **** yourself we know you're self aware don't play stupid even though you really are stupid if this is the game you choose rattling pills like dice hoping at least one of us will be nice but sorry sweetheart that's not how it's played no one loves you that's why none of them have ******* stayed but don't worry at least you have the voices in you head for ******* company i know playing the game is no fun when your alone so just keep tally until we're done and don't worry i won't tell any of them how much of you is really real and how much is pitch black sin you paint brightly to conceal baby don't cry when i'm here just because you want to die if you hate me so much then why don't you ever leave if you hate me so much then why do you garden with me if you hate me so much then why give me ******* roses you know i pluck the petals and watch them decompose baby why play the game if you can't stand to loose you don't have to stomach it if you choke yourself on ***** but that's never been you that's not the ******* good **** that you crave but drink it any way and choose any bottle for the chase baby it's so funny how sad you pretend to be when we both know the scary part is you don't feel a **** thing so let me help you remember how deep the losses can go baby just remember not to let them show

I take 3 steps forward, and 1 step back .
I was sober almost 4 months.

Doing swell, the job, prolific writing.
and then, wham, A bottle of Absinthe in two hours,
Not even Van Gogh on the box or the worm wood could
make sense of the garbled words I wrote.
**** Hemingway and Fitzgerald.  And Stein can go to Hell.

Across the table
my grandpa asks me why
i don't eat cinnamon toast crunch anymore.
The last time i saw them
i loved it so much
that he tried it, and got hooked
but now i don't touch it.
And i don't know how to tell him
why,
how to tell him
that the thought of all that sugar
paralyzes me.
So i just sit with my corn flakes,
avoid his eyes
and hope he doesn't notice
how desperately i wish i could eat it.

Can't go to sleep again
This is when I miss c*caine
Or anything else
In my brain
In my veins
To numb the pain
Before I go insane

But I've come this far
Hanging by a thread
Looking for a missing star
One amongst the dead

I wish I could show you
The real person inside me
The things I truly can do
And who I can be

I've always been lurking
As well as searching
Through the darkness
Of my soul's promise

"We'll be united once more"
Oh how death I would adore
To melt down to my core
Or wash up cold ashore

See the expressions of apathy
And see mal-sympathy
I've broken and I've torn
Around me ever since I've born

I miss't to feel numb
I used to be so fun
Nowadays I've been shunned
From all that I want

So this' what I've become
Someone with seams undone
So I'd understand
If you'd reprimand
All that I am
And ever will be
For I'm only sand
Blowing away at sea