If I never feel happy again.
If I get a case of the “**** its”
and follow that red glow all the way to my grave
(because it feels warm once in a while).
If I walk into a venue in my hometown
and smell the familiar scent of stale beer and regret.
If my mom passes away
suddenly or succumbing to the passage of time.

That I’ll never heal from how I was treated
and continue to treat myself the same over and over.
That I have to rely on jokes about my grandmother
to keep her memory alive
when she is not.

If I let myself down
again.

I started using again
Relapsing to relax
Filling my cold empty vessel
With a warm flood of emotion

Feet on the pedals,
Crunchy Gravel.
Sunshine.

Cycling to nowhere,
Round and Round,
Without a care.

Fences and trees,
and paths and leaves.
Laughter. Joy.

Up and Down,
Back and forth,
A circular journey.

Round and round,
Over and over
and over and...

Beginning, middle, end.
Addiction, Recovery, Relapse.
OCD, Depression, Anxiety.

Cycling to nowhere.

You think that thought
You hold your breath
You press into your skin, but theirs no regret.

You let it go.
You dropped it, the metallic blade hitting the floor.

You don’t know how much of this you can take anymore.
You feel like you’ve lost your mind, there’s just all these thoughts whirling around inside.

Crimson drips from the crease, at least tonight I get to feel a freedom of release.

My recovery was like climbing a mountain
Hard
Tiring
But so worth it
Then I lost my footing
And fell
Now I'm laying at the bottom
All beaten up and broken
Too hurt and tired to start again

I guess I hoped that you
Would get some sleep last night
That come the break of dawn
Things would be alright

But here we are again
And you haven’t slept a wink
Relapse is a ghastly cavern
And you’re standing on the brink

You’re smiling like a maniac
And you rattle on and on
But I was up late worrying
Forgive me if I yawn

Your eyes are open wide
Like you’ve had too much caffeine
I know where this is going
But you’ve made it three years clean

If you could just get sleep
Maybe you’d wake up okay
And these monsters that you battle
Would simply go away

I lie to myself now
Just so I can make it through
I know that you’re in pain
But don’t you know, I’m hurting too?

I know it’s not my battle
And I can’t make you see the light
But I’m so tired of the darkness
And I’m so weary from the fight

And I guess I hoped by now
That this would’ve come to pass
But since it didn’t, won’t you try
To get some sleep at last

i thought i was getting better

a better sister
a better friend
a better human
a better weight
a better student
a better daughter
a better mental health
but it was just a lie

wasnt it?