There’s a pattern in our lives.
The moments where things are fine,
We forget to write and express our minds; 
Until the sad days come around.

When these sad days come around,
We search for ways to free our souls
From any darkness or any hurt
That we have to feel once again.  

Wishing these pattens of highs and lows
Wouldn’t come back again and again.
But what is a life, without hurt?
What is a life with pure joy?

Our happiness comes from sadness.
To feel happy, we must go through pain.
Believe it our not, it’s the steady game.
The game of life, the patterns

Of sadness and happiness always shifting.

n.n

What would things look like
if I could press
rewind?
Take myself back to that moment
and make sure it never
happened?
What would it be like,
to not be
naive?
To know then,
that you had nothing to do
with me;
Were just drunk on
yourself?
To push you away
and be
certain?
Before feelings complicated the mix?
What would it be like
to have never
loved you?
To like myself
better again,
To be sure
—once more—
that I would never be so
stupid,
What would it be like if I’d never met you?

As Eyes close to this reality
They open up to Dream
Where nothing makes sense
In retrospect and nothings
As it seems

Yet it lingers into real-time
That moment in the morning
When I’m dreaming yet awake
and I find myself wondering
Which reality is real.

Limbo. Am I real?
Is any of this really real?
Burst bubble bits settle around me
And I feel the soapiness between
My toes. It's as real as its ever going to be, I guess.

Shall one dare to raise the question,
"What is the legitimacy of His Majesty's ruling?"
One would surely be relieved of their head.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~­~~~

'Tis alright, however, since there is still freedom.

"What such freedom exists, when one cannot question another?"

Much freedom still exists in other aspects, so fear not, ignorant one.

Anyways, you should have no reason to question His rule,
For you have served this kingdom well, my feigning innocence.
You, sir, have done wondrously in raising your sword to the enemy.

"But, Father, if I may interject, how come I do not feel free?"

You swore your blood and marrow to the wealth of His Majesty,
And now one such as you dares to raise that prickling question?
You shall have your freedom in due time, my withered husk.

"Father, who is the Majesty?"

You do not ask of the King's personal affairs.

"But, respectfully, I do want to know who it is I am fighting for."

You are fighting on the behalf of our country, for the greater good.

"Father, that does not answer my question. Who is he?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~­~~

Fine, my woeful son--do you wish to know who the King is?
He is standing right in front of you,

And he orders your execution.

It’s dawned on me that throughout my short existence
I’ve never written a happy piece
My writing seems to consist mostly of cringe-worthy whining
And endless amounts of loathsome self-pity

Sure there’s the occasional upswing
You know
When a boy meets a girl
I can recount tales, soliloquies, and prose
Go on endlessly about about that burning fire
****, give me paper, a pen and a bottle of bourbon and I’ll tell you all about a look she gave me once

But real happiness?
Inner peace?
The type of stuff that gets monks hard?
Nothing, nada, zilch

And I’ve looked
Oh boy have I looked
I scoured old journals,
Bent and broken
The binding barely held together by a stitch

Every high school, middle school space and place I could think of
But not even a whisper of a laugh that was ever shared with a friend

All of this begs the question
Am I just a miserable sap? Who’s only pleasure in life is wallowing in despair?
Or am I a self-destructive nihilist?
Content that we’re all doomed to the same dirt box in the end?
Or worse yet…

And this is when I really took a hard look at myself
And I mean a real hard look
A **** naked, look yourself in the eye
heart to heart with me moment


I asked myself two questions:

"Do I like me?"
Generally?
"Yes"
Yes
That was easy

I generally enjoy life
I enjoy the company of others
Feeling successful
Accomplishing something I think has some value or impact
I enjoy living and I enjoy this wild rollercoaster we call life

"If you like yourself and you enjoy life, then where does your happiness come from?"
From inside?
"Does it?"
I mean, I think it does
"You think or you know?"
I mean whoever really knows where happiness comes from anyhow?
"Answer the question, and be honest. What is the source of your happiness?"
I…
"Don’t lie, I’ll know. YOU’LL know"
Other People?
"More specifically"
Women?
"MORE!"
Women I date?
"Come on, get deep for a ******* moment you *****!"
Women I love?
Women
I love
"See? Was that so hard?"
I…I, don’t know what to say…

And what is there to say?
To discover that the source of your happiness
True happiness, lies with others?
And not sharing with others, love thy neighbor, koombayah
This doesn’t come from a selfless place, not entirely anyway
This is carnal

This is staking your claim
This is caring for others to the extent that it fulfills your innate desires
She gets what she wants and she’s happy and that completes me
It’s not just oh I’m happy because she’s happy hahaha
I crave it, I need it

And when it’s not there?
I’m an absolutely wreck
A ******* walking, breathing, ******* mess
I barely eat, I can’t sleep
All I feel is gnawing
Something deep inside that doesn’t know what the **** to do

And when it’s good it’s still ******
Because how could you ever tell someone that
I love you
Means I love me?

Did you know, I fell in love with you...
how long will it be until you notice me?

They are there at my worst and that's about it
They provided me a place to stay
But it's not like I asked for this life with them
or life whatsoever
I'm surrounded by people
But I'm truly alone.

Maybe
just ******* maybe
I deserve more than you

Maybe
just ******* maybe
I deserve more than all of you

Maybe
no,
Absolutely
I am worth more than you tell me I am