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the time to be curious and passionate

the time for intensive healing and recooperation
.
Kitten Yvad Jan 4
the propensity for my
softness towards women
came in gravitational rotations


it came slowly and
it came all at once

I saw her seeing me
and it dawned on me;
I would never know
what it meant to be sensitive

if it did not move me
that as I performed femininity
as an indulgence
,
she would love femininity, always,
in a way that could not be
accurately "performed".

I considered what its performance
meant to her,
then saw her laugh.

I thought about the freedom
to move and play with my own
femininity like a toy



it came slowly and
it came all at once

I saw her seeing me
and it dawned on me

elliptical
I become thrown into orbit
a little blue planet
curious as my mind revolved
around the harshness

and pure gentle nature
if only an idea
of this singularity, a  Feminine Sun


If it did not make me soft...
that I felt I could like girls
if only I wanted to
and I could forget whenever ill
suited.


I never had to own my rare passing thoughts of girls.
But what if, those had been the only
desires I had ever known.


what if my love for women
were to be so obvious to the world
that it became pointless to deny it??

well how soft i'd become..
How humble and thoughtful.
I wanted to give her my pride


I could fathom no gifts
my heart could offer her;
softness.
not when I could slip in and
out of sight


So hold me there..
So take my pride. I will offer
my love for you
to the world

will you take me then?
please take me
I will make myself so humble
and so soft.


I will try to pay for the
years you have spent hiding
and I have not.

Let me tell the world that
you are the world.
Please just tell me I am pure

like you
The first girl I ever tried to like was straight and trying to feel an involuntary crush on her was intangible for me. We emulated each other constantly out of curiousity and love and amusement. I could only make believe I was infatuated with her even though it felt good and worked nicely for us.


The first girl I ever had a crush on was so very different from me that thinking about her made me question femininity entirely. There was no way to write my feelings off as jealousy or empathy or need to emulate her or even as our relatable similarities.

from then I had to reconsider myself... I also had to consider other people more deeply and ultimately more complex-ly.  

Naturally since reconsidering myself and finding new consideration for others, the relationships between myself and others... have gotten more difficult to describe. All the gay poetry I write is literally In Wonder of that realization for me<3
Kitten Yvad Dec 2020
we self regulate
like a thermostat.
How did I come
to deserve that from you?

How did I come to
deserve your gratitude
and understanding and
love?

To explain would be
to miss the point.



so much can pass over
my head when I feel loved.
a lot of imagined danger
the inertia of sadness

I've had moments of
fight fight fight

where love started
to cure my depression
and I fought it like the
Plague because I knew

once the love was gone
maybe quickly
darkness would settle again

and it would;
a maze through the
back yards
and wide wide windows
and wider white walls
and my heart would sink
at the darkness of car windows.

I would swallow hard
and call it a day


Seemingly abyssal in darkness compared
to the hopeful glow of
love and closeness.
And dedication.

Dedication i'll never be
entitled to.
I didn't want to want
something I couldn't
own.

I can never own you.
I will never own your love.


sometimes I get
scared about how healing
it is.

You call me sunshine
in the rain and I love.
And I am hurt and you
know so you wait.

And I know.
So I work. I want to
give you my best.

And sometimes my best
is exhaustion.
And I think;
Its too early for this.
Exhaustion like I have
done so much.

I'm too young to be
exhausted.

And I think I.
fight fight fight
to love myself because
my little emerald wonder

you seem to enjoy
loving me so much.
And you are in awe of
my joy in loving you.

I want that love to
be a renewable resource.

you say "after we are over",
like the future, bright,
holds so much
I want that love to
be a renewable resource
Kitten Yvad Dec 2020
My heart felt crushed
and I tried to swallow it
because I felt you were
sneering at me and if
you knew just how sensitive

I was to you, you probably,
wouldn't we've talked
it through.

we talked it through
and ive come to trust you

But sometimes I pull back
you are beautiful and strong
and soft.

My god, it scares me.
You scare me.
I worry you'll hurt me.
I know how to shut
that. right. off.

but then if a light
flickers on in my heart
i'll see how much
i have held back from
saying and i know

that its because
I worry you'll hurt me
(this doesn't help)

is it the things i'm
afraid to say?
or is it the resisting the urge
to say whatever it may be
that i need to, want to say
for  fear of being hurt?
which is the worse?

well I think
its normal.

but then a light flickers on
and I am very far away
guarding witheld information.
Kitten Yvad Dec 2020
People have often
told us we are similar
And for me
I fell in love kept up
through the chemicals

I rely on


i've been warm to the core
for the chemistry
we rely on

disagree that the pain
here's ephemeral
we've been in a
mass casualty fire just
for the chemicals
We rely on
This is a blurry incoherent interpretation of "Similar" by Tora and not my own authentic original words quite. But feeling grateful for the love I have been getting this week as I redefine what control over my learning looks like...

As I try to prioritize my learning and health and ...the applicability of my learning to my broader world curiousity.

grateful that Ya Habib is anti-institution and is quick to question my school rather than question me. People I value believing in me has been giving me the strength to map this **ishtshow out<333
🍓🌱
Kitten Yvad Dec 2020
As long as you love me
I sleep curled up
in your arms

warm delighted

well under the bed
it is warm and dark so soft
a safenest a pillowfort

a petite cave where i


can go.


I turn off.
Its not up for debate

Lovingly i shut out
it gets dark
so innocent.



be brave


reliable patterns

C l  e   a    r numbers

safety


                   a  r m s
                      e
                        a
              ­             ch

t    r   u   u uue   jo oo  o oyyy

       big love

loving song

gentle wind


very soft
.
This is a prayer I wrote over a year ago. I didn't realize it was a prayer.

I have been in love with them for over a year now. I have manipulated my emotions and braced myself and curbed myself and my appetiate. But I let my guard down. I let myself feel for them. For others I've fallen for. Trying to let myself feel it for them. Feel it, all of my amity. All to find that when it comes to me, all they want is me. I'm slowly learning what that means.


The way my soul lights up when they are near. A perfect concoction of a mysterious and asymmetrically   stirred mixture. I over flow with love for this human being. WHO are they to me??! <3

I have forever to ask all the questions. For now all I know. All I have known of them from them because of them is;love.
Kitten Yvad Dec 2020
My heart is not an open book
just to prove all the
lies that i won't tell

heart is not some
dusty stomping field
not an abandoned lot overgrown
with weeds and horrific
miscellany


i love hungrily
i get...
            

                Mmm

        ... lost in my head
            i come to.
            in all seriousness and
            i pick up again

pink if i start anew
pure it has nothing to prove

My heart is not an open book
just to prove all the
lies that i won't tell


nnnno

i am intentional when
im overflowing with warm
open arms

i am soft with misfired
tries, and little deaths for loves already lost.

god little deaths and
god i lose my breath for
loves i have already lost

my heart is an open book
because its a good one
i know it'll make you smile
to read it.

    even a page
    but that's not why
    its on display

its not there for you to touch..

my heart is an open book
because of the way i see
the sky

the way i tire and pray
for the rain
and cry
my heart is not an open book

just to prove

all the lies

i will not tell

it is not soft just to placate you so that you will not yell

    ...at me

my heart, in rite, attracts likes.
sunrays, sometimes broken things, but always rays of light

my heart is an open book
because i have stories
to tell,

and i love like paisleys
lesbian honey and wild
desert bluebells
Kitten Yvad Oct 2020
yarn if I come undone
crying at the loose string
and yielding so willing
at a ravenous devoid abyss

Here you say and see how
all the colors tangling anew?!
even each day, love,
you change, blooming,
granting me the next you!


all of my cotton spun
and unwoven in a pile
colors saturate, tear-bleary
im all colorblind in the snow
god just lost like a child


All of my cotton spun
and unwoven in a pile
or woolgathering, exhausted
within me, without of me
is there no light?

And you knowing colors by heart
reciting them knowing
ill smile
Kitten Yvad Oct 2020
im washed in passiflora by Nest
brown sugar still sticks to my skin
baked sparkling  firmly
into the sweat
Or salt of the waves

psychoactive for me, The Ocean
that is your heart
Infused warm and Clear &Coral;
how are you all things,
that are better things?

Redolent pretty please
all of your love all over me


ya habibi, tu es tombé comme la pluie

and I am washed in it
when you fall so close to me
but can you taste the water
as it rolls off of me? close as we are

tasting all you sense,
can you taste the coconut in
your hair the way I can
when you're gone.
habibi, ya habibika months after you're
gone


wild curls and wild eyes
go grow a forest in my heart
I make a maintenance burn
in our brush

but how I love
Ah. j'amerai

i'll be passiflora to you
make this verdant my nest
able and thriving;
so what time should I
set the clocks to?

that depends on you

So what time should I
Set my clocks ??
That depends on you
hibiscus love why would I
ever set my alarms,
when I dream of you??
missing an island we've never been to, mute for languages i've not yet learned.
all the love you've put into my skin, my hair, my curls, my melanin😭
Kitten Yvad Sep 2020
awe
There are roses in your
coming through the airwaves
your voice tingles
down my spine

and held in loving suspension
we are pure frozen in time
delayed gratification and
I can't believe the reward

my ears get hot and
tummy swims in circles  
god before  you
touch me i cannot

and i tell you this;
i cannot i whisper this
pleading into your eyes
i cannot my god
i moan this to you in surrender
taken over like the war
is over and now i'm melting



because you think
i taste so good melted
And i know there are roses
in your voice because
they bloom for me

from your tongue
velvet and soft for me
and then strong for me
rugged and firm like rocks
for me

your voice and your
attention my reward my reward my reward


I want you to feel
within your core im in awe
of you


im just arrested see?
watching your roses
im wide eyed, tied; take such pleasure
in arresting me

.
a poem for when the sounds i make with my mouth aren't the words of praise that I want to come out (especially in queerplatonic relationships and quasiqueerromantic friendships)... and a poem of gratitude for people who like to remind me of the things i don't need others' permission for. im so alive about that profound encouragement.
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