when I reached the age of reason I hit the ground,
running. the thought flits
across compact mirror smudged from years of overuse &
abandon, left behind
in purse bottoms and backpacks every time I switch up my style &
move on to something:
new/ fresh / else.  

a glance into glass &
I'm transported: a babe on white lambskin,
a second-hand nostalgia never wholly mine.
a missing, another memory removed,
a down-to-the-wire tally
added to the roster, unexpectedly
the emotional prodigy, ostracized
alongside destined veracity: as in my absolute
devotion to                                                               ­            TRUTH!
the time skip, a box-out, a blackout, a kindness.
a comfort over the desk chair where homework            completes itself
after countless 'mixtape playlists' limewired maniacally
alphabetized, rearranged & revised until dawn/

another decade/chapter: a bookworm,
a blockout, a maneuver 'round roadblock,
a machination, a manipulation, a deadening, a defeat,
an assistant Mother only a child
self, the intrigue... yet

here I am, a spectacle,  
a miracle, a smashing, a light on an island out at sea,
an accident, a ripening survived.

can I trust myself. to dive in. for/by myself?
when I lift the stretch of lambskin from an atticked brown box,
a painted porcelain plate hits the ground,
shattered.

i lay in my bed typing this with one hand on my brand new laptop

i think it's getting bad again

i'm moving out in 19 days for college

i can't get the memories to leave me alone

my dad was the one who bought me this laptop as a gift for college

i can still feel the touches of the man who couldn't keep his hands
off of me
i will never be the same

my parents pay for EMDR therapy
it's expensive
it's not covered by insurance
i feel guilty

i feel like i ruined this family dynamic
we don't go to church anymore
church is where the man worked
church was where i suffered
the cold brick wall all the way at the back of the building
behind the pews
everyone's backs to me
as i stood in silence while
he ruined me

it's time to go to bed
maybe i'll feel better tomorrow

I used to think that ****** was the same as *****,
And therefore I was both broken and unclean.
I have learned that you can wash the blood off
And cast out the stains of yesterday’s misfortunes
That I may kneel before you and tell you
That I am still sacred in my own skin.

My father hid himself
within the smoke
underneath my ribcage

Sometimes he rattles his fingers
underneath my bones
and squirms his hands
around my ticker

He taught the monster under my bed
to crawl under my skin
and stick his filthy fingers
in the cracks of my brain
and break it in half

His name echoes the canals of my ears
and his shadow haunts every step
I wish I could’ve made

Born into the darkest maze,
lost within the ruler's gaze-

Delivered at the peak of downward spin
no choice to speak, no chance to win

Going under arrows , went over my head
cannot tell direction , pull me out of bed

And when I reached the cliff at the end ?
I wondered just where else my eyes had been

Looking at the light I know it seems so hard to summit
If I climb this outward spiral, tell me will I plummet?

Fly right upward past denial, do I have the stomach?

i’ve gotta rewire some things inside me
not in the right headspace to take life on right now
without a little extra help from those around and before and inside me

i’ve gotta release some demons, exorcise me
keeping them bottled up for so long, they’ve
got other people’s hands all over me, shaking things up
a prisoner to my own hidden feelings , i’m ready to burst

want to get it out, once and for all
not be trapped inside any longer

a bunch of secrets bouncing around my bones
like stubborn trespasser(s)

i
mold
meld
melt
molt

i find myself lost in us again
wrapping your& words around me like a hug
falling in love with this cosmic entanglement
watched us bloom in times of turmoil
and
i'm just so happy to be home, finally