I know you think I'm a fool, you don't have to say it- I can feel it

The more I ache the more I fear
you're laughing at me
Is that crazy?
But I'm probably right, it's hilarious that I'M writing YOU poems in the middle of the night

Because I left you.
Declared I don't need love-
Which I don't let's keep that straight
But **** this wanting keeps me up late

It's selfish to miss someone you left
Yet here I am anyway
A million things to do
But I can't stop thinking about
You.

I go with the flow until the current consumes me, thrashing around until I'm lost at sea. Sometimes I'm lucky to find a rope to be held, a sense of safety amidst the chaos, a feeling unparalleled. I'll tug and I'll pull until I'm almost free, but the rope always snaps and the hands on the other end I never reach. I sink to the bottom with no hope to keep float, the sadness is heavy, a personal chainmail ccoat. I work up the nerve to swim towards the shore, but that's so ambitious when I've never been there before, so I spend my days floating in thoughts, reminding myself love has always had a cost. Every time I'm close to the beach of a lover, I'm hit with tidal waves one after another. One day I'll free myself from this isolating ocean,  but the whisper of being saved is a lingering notion.

First I made tea, it's just what I need
And I drank it real slow, felt it's warmth soothe my throat,
I went back to bed, no messages to be read
For a moment I just lay there

So I washed my hair, perfect time for self care,
A full everything shower, took barely over an hour,
For a moment I just stared at the mirror

Well I turned on my console, pretend I'm in a different role,
I played the Sims, fulfilled her every whim
For a moment I just watched the game go

It's time for dinner, I'm wishing I was thinner,
I decide not to eat, not very hungry since we don't speak,
And for the rest of the night I'll lay here