silence is all i’ve ever hoped for
the constant blaring drumming of my heart keeps my mind racing with each pitter patter it lets out
my brain buzzes with activities from
the moment it comes to each day
my stomach screams and falls into itself over and over and over with each rise and fall of excitement and loss
my body aches

yeah i mean, i know that the people that i keep closest love and care about me, like with the way i act and live life they kind of have to. but i mean, i, a lot of times act out due to the extremity of the emotions that i feel.
like neurotypicals operate on a daily basis between the levels of 4-6 emotionally, i operate on good days between 3-7, but most days it’s between 2-9, so like this morning when my mom woke me up, like not even rude or anything, the reaction i gave was 2x more intense than what a neurotypical would have, which meant screaming “what” at her over and over, and then she was like appalled at my reaction and just stared at me, so i got even more upset because i read that as a very judgemental thing to do, when in reality she was probably just trying to figure out how to proceed without getting more of a rise out of me, but my brain read it as she was sitting there staring at me in disgust, so i started crying and storming outside to get away from everyones eyes. and those reactions and emotional rollercoasters happen on the daily with them and they don’t understand at all what is going on. and it wasn’t until a year ago that i had a diagnosis even, so my growing up was extremely ******* difficult for my siblings and parents.

it’s falling, it’s falling.. everything is falling all of a sudden.

but why is it falling?

because i am alone. because i am not being currently distracted from anything.

ahh, there you go again misplacing your emptiness for loneliness. why do you do that?

well-

because you can’t stand to be around yourself for longer than five seconds in a clear head.

i mean-

i did not miss your rude interruptions.. so you fill me up with anything you can find in the moment; smoke, drugs, men, food that i’m not hungry for, or perhaps i’m in dire need of and you neglect me.
now, it seeeems like you’re trying to get rid of me.

no offense but you cause all of the pain i feel. like is it really my fault when you decide to start aching deeeep inside that i eliminate it through punishment? you hurt people and you get hurt back, besides you wear the shades of blue and purple rather well.

hold up, you think i am the one causing that ache? i’ve lain dormant for years, constantly kicked in the face each time i try to get up. you suffocate me, you deprive me, you do not honor me as you should. you lay me down time and time again to feed your sick habits. it would be like YOU to throw your nastiness on someone else, though. reminds me of someone in particular we know-

don’t. you. dare.

go look at me and tell me i’m wrong?
you can’t.

you tell me the things on my face are ugly
and that i should cover them up
but what if i told you
that only makes them worse

i should tell you that your personality is ugly
and that you should cover that up
and let me tell you,
that would make everything better

I'm sorry, all
for getting angry.
My vision blurs.
My sight recedes.
I think I'm right.
The same old song.
My heart is right;
My love is wrong.

Can you comprehend
the pain I must feel
to see through my own disguise?
How can I let go
when the things that I know
got me here, with you?

Last night, the moon broke orbit.
Back and forth it wavered.
It seemed to be drawing closer-
I faced imminent obliteration.
But I recalled from my study of
ASTRONOMY
just how unlikely it was.
And just like that,
the moon snapped back into place.

I was born right.
But loved wrong.