It always started
with the sensation of
                      hands
they clawed at each other
enough to draw blood
till she lost sensation of all
                      but hands.

The rain fell,
from the storm no too high above
But little did she notice
because-    the sensation of
            hands.

Her soul was ripping
She was dying
Her eyes raining
Her body shattering
but-

         The Sensation of Hands.

A river flows through the backyard
Panic attacks under whiskey breath
Legs numb and gasping for air
Drowning in the driver's seat.

My body ached
And quaked
Like the earth
Imitating what it was
A natural disaster

- p.d.e

Am I mute?
I am lost for words
without the ability
to utter why.

I am feeling empty.

Am I deaf?
I am struggling
to find my inner peace,
that my ears hurt
from the silence.

Am I blind?
My eyes are wet
from crying.
My emotions are the reason
why I am drowning.

Am I crippled?
I tried to raise my hand
but it trembles.

I desperately need some help

Am I dead?
My chest heaves
and my lungs burn.
I struggled to find
some air.

*It is hard for me
to breathe anymore.

Taken aback by plan
Isolation self inflicted in chaos
Careful resignation of man
Alerting those who betray us

Justified in the mind
Scattering my thoughts in protection
Many appear too kind
Looking out for critical detection

Concerns of words misplaced
The fault finding superior sneer
Expressing disgust and distaste
High minding misuse of fear

Twisting my gut violently
Internally shake to suffer silently
Words abandon lips, mind races
Trapped with their judgemental faces

The words hang on in the still air, crooked and clumsy.
Face down I trace patterns into the mattress.
Focus, breathing in, breathing out.
If I tried to move, I would break apart.
Liquid in these lungs spilling out of this open mouth.
Weighed down, sinking deeper and deeper.
These swirls and lines lifting, floating, whirling.
I hear nothing past the pulse pounding behind my ears.
Stronger, faster, it hums beneath this ivory skin.
Only if I could escape the hysterics that hide in my throat.
Bubble underneath the surface, threatening to convulse.
Quicker my breath comes, fighting past this ocean of uncertainty.
It stretches before me, I consider breaking the surface.
A clean cut on the smooth gray, deeper and deeper.
I take the plunge, and into this darkness I relax.
Comfortable, I stretch my legs, I pull these veins out by the roots.
Beating within my hand, I squeeze.
Familiarity overwhelms me, isn’t this what forever feels like?

I’ve always been consumed with a sadness and heaviness i could never rid myself of
I wrote constantly.
I knew what heartache felt like and yet nothing could have prepared me for this.
I have not yet lost you.
You’re still here, you still love me.
But for how long?
My mind keeps running back to that sadness to that emptiness and i ask, “how much longer do i have?”
I’ve taken up tarot cards, runes and pendulums and i ask them all the time.
I ask them how things are really going.
I ask them if you still love me or if you’re only pretending.
“How much longer do i have?”
Why?
I want to be prepared.
I want to know you’re leaving before even you do.
I want to grieve before it happens so it doesn’t **** me.
I feel the anxiety burning in my chest already.

I find myself daydreaming about a future where I’m in a lonely little apartment late at night and I can feel your arms around me. However, when I roll over to face you there’s no one there and I remember that you’re with someone else and you’re happier with her.

I don’t want that to be real.

I don’t want you to leave.

I’m scared.

So I try to hope for the best but I want to prepare for the worst.
Please tell me how long I have. Please tell me before it ends.