are you okay?
have you been able to sleep?

every night I stare at my phone
as it all becomes about you
every day I continue on
just as I did before

you always thought you controlled me
you never believed me when I told you
I stood my own ground

but ill always wish ever night
I could look you in the eyes
and ask you

are you okay?
have you been able to sleep?

An addiction born out of concern
Administered by the ones meant to heal
I was not supposed to survive
Born months before my departure
Somehow I feel responsible for what you’ve done
Too young to utter my concern
What is adolescence, when you're absorbing all the tragedies around you?

I feel the force of the wind in my hair
And the cold winds blowing around me
The freezing calm and deadly storm
This sharp dagger of ice
That threatens to strike
My heart says no my soul says yes
But eventually my soul wins I guess

I let myself think of all the hurt I caused
The pain, the promises never kept
And let the emotions of loneliness and grief
Coupled with self loathing push me in deep

Ignoring the cold I walk inside
Not knowing or caring if I come out alive
Shivering a bit now, though my resolve doesn’t waver
I am enveloped by the storm
Now I become nothing at all

Life is not a movie
It is not full of tropes
Or unrealistic hopes
Just some ropes
Binding you to the choices you make
Consequences for everything you do
Some make it through life by being fake
Some by their passion

My mistakes keep me awake
I can feel myself break
What’s at stake?
If I cross that line
Can I ever be fine?
I will not whine
for more time
I now have to make a choice
And find my own voice

I thought I was in control.
I promised myself that it wouldn’t happen again,
And it was going so well, it really was.
But things appear to have fallen through.

I tried, you know, I really did,
But it’s like a darkness consumes me,
A howling tempest grips my chest,
And no matter how hard I struggle,
I just cannot break free.

My mind tells one story,
My mouth expresses another.
Words that are not my own form,
And all that remains are regrets.

Do you know someone who heals,
in whose presence you feel whole
you do not have to bow or kneel
nor beg nor fool nor cajole?

Do you know another whose care
and ability to reach inside
erases doubt and lays you bare
your doubt and pride are laid aside?

Distrust in me is the boulder rock
that averts, delays and hesitates,
stems the tide and sadly blocks
the flowing stream of healing grace.