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Spear Jan 3
Its one in the morning As I lay here in my bed
Wishing you could just see the thoughts that go through my head
While trying to ignore the fact that I have once again been crying
All because I can feel that whatever we are is dying

There is a heavy weight in my chest
And I'm dreading having to get up in a few hours in order to get dressed.
But I'll say nothing about how I feel
Until we get to share another meal because that was the deal.
Zelda Jan 2
⚠️ Trigger Warning ⚠️

I’m not suicidal,
I fear death.

I think about dying—
it's always a vivid, beautiful, sunny day.

I just want to bleed, cuts under the skin.
I just want to starve, protruding bones.
I just want to disappear, non-existent.

I’m trying to get my affairs in order,
to tend to my responsibilities,
to care for my loved ones
just in case.

I’m not suicidal,
at least, I don’t think I am.

I fear death.
Jan 1 2025
*Trigger warning ⚠️*
Nemusa Dec 2024
She turned her face,
smooth as the moon’s cold arc,
away from the storm in my arms,
the tempest she refused to see.
The scars climbed my skin—
rungs on a ladder of grief,
each carved line a scream
swallowed by the vast, uncaring sky.

“Nothing’s wrong,” she said,
her voice, brittle as dry reeds,
fragile in its tight restraint.
The bitter breath of black coffee,
the smoky veil of cigarettes,
stood between us,
a wall, a barrier of indifference.

But I,
I called to life the crimson river,
its rush fierce, its truth undeniable.
Words failed where the blade did not,
its edge a preacher, sharp and sure.
Joy, sorrow, despair—
all bled the same,
their stories painted on my skin.

Then came the pills,
like stones pressing the ocean floor.
Heavy salvation, they dragged me deep,
into waters where I was no one—
a shadow bloated with silence.
Dreams came, sharp as talons,
tearing through the darkened halls
of my restless soul.

“You’re nothing now,” she said,
her words a whip with pity’s sting.
“No one will love what you’ve become.”

But oh, the demons loved me well,
their hunger unyielding,
their feast endless.
They claimed my broken pieces,
traded one vice for another,
devoured the echoes of who I was.

And now, she is quiet.
The night stretches on, long and lean,
its silence a river where I wade alone,
listening to the hollow song
of their eternal feast.
Jack Groundhog Dec 2024
In creeping fog
of wintry night:
My eyes are clogged.
Billows of blight.

Dull cataracts
veil antique lamps,
gun cotton tracks,
pale wreaths of damp.

Yet though here loom
dun brooding hulks
of cold stone gloom
in misty sulk

the lamps shine forth
and shall not fail
’til dark fades north
and pulls the veil.
A meditation on surviving major depression inspired by a particularly bleak foggy night at the New Palace in Potsdam.
dead poet Dec 2024
brain signals for blood:
a freight of the past revs to life;
generational curses come on board the ride
with their hefty baggage,
and roughneck IDs;

the nervous conductor lets them on -
offers them a ticket, and sighs -
‘this too shall pass.’
Jack Groundhog Dec 2024
In the sallow sea of sable ink
that breaks upon my splintered prow,
fire beacon’s beam a-lightly winks
and casts gold light upon my brow.

I see a man walk on the swells
and wave to me through sheets of sleet,
his silver voice a tolling bell
that beckons me to take the leap.

His shining rope crests upon the waves
that rend my vessel in tempest flares:
Across black brine the lifeline sways —
My callused hand will take its dare

to grasp the line that more life gives
and feel its pull to once more live.
A further meditation on severe depression and spirituality using nautical themes and referencing Matthew 14:22-33.
Jack Groundhog Dec 2024
I am the night
that never ends.
I weight your world
until it bends.

My cloak of fog
devours your light
and deprives the soul
of inner sight.

Once Dante stood
before my gate:
Abandon hope
and seal your fate.

Selah.

A distant presence
now calls me out
to challenge my
dark seeds of doubt.

My choking mist
and gripping vines
are loosened by
an else divine.

My nine circles
now fall to one.
A white-gold flame:
My time is done.
A meditation on severe depression with references to the Divine Comedy and the Psalms.
Jack Groundhog Dec 2024
My heart’s ventricles
form a vast vaulted ceiling —
Crumbling cathedral
Nemusa Dec 2024
Neither fight nor flight—
I am a hostage of the chemicals,
the shrink’s hand-me-down lullabies:
wake, smile, sleep, cry—
a parade of puppets on taut strings.
Not a thread of shame,
no blush to mark the trespass of my will.

Balance, he says, is a tightrope act.
Obedience hums like a steady drumbeat.
But the body—
oh, the body knows nothing of balance,
only the edge, the gaping maw of almost.
Painkillers slip into my pocket like coins for Charon—
companions for the journey into this fabricated calm.

I sit in the shadow of myself,
watching the rehearsals of humanity:
the mimicry of laughter,
the choreographed tears,
the steady gaze of eye contact—a ritual I master.

Release, he says.
And I, ever the good patient,
release into the artificial tide,
the undertow of someone else’s control.

Still, the body whispers of rebellion,
a quiet ache that longs for rawness,
for the chaos that keeps the blood
pulsing,
real.
Nemusa Dec 2024
The branches lattice beneath her, black veins
etching the earth's sallow skin. She lies
as if pinned, a moth, the ground
opening its throat to devour her whole.

The trees, thin-limbed and aching, lean in,
their shadows like fingerprints
on her bare thighs. He is above her,
a dark weight, his breath thick
as the stench of iron. Crooked teeth
graze her tender insides, his mouth
a cavern of rot. Her chipped nails catch
on his skin, splintering her last defense—
each struggle a hymn he hums through his teeth.

The bass thumps in the distance,
a pulse too far to save her. His rhythm
is sharper, faster, a saw grinding
through the fragile architecture
of her. Her pelvis cracks beneath
his thrusts, her fragility undone,
his pleasure oozing into her wounds.

Before this—before him—there was the Dragon.
Silver foil unfolded like a revelation,
blue smoke crawling through her lungs,
its touch an anesthetic hymn. She exhaled
herself into nothingness, a slip of a girl,
a husk, unseeing. Vulnerability etched itself
into her marrow. The trees,
silent anatomists, catalogued her surrender.

Now, she is a secret the earth consumes,
her body a whisper the soil licks clean.
The trees will remember the taste of her,
their roots tangled in her hair, their leaves
swaying with the rhythm of her fall.
No one else will know—
only the trees, their mouths sealed with bark,
their witness as still and eternal as stone.
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