I love company
In the form of anxious thoughts
I am less lonely
Accompanied by twenty screaming voices
Tearing at my every inch of flesh
Pouring pain into my veins
Crying is good for the soul
They laugh in union
As I lie lonely in my bed
Hoping someone will find me
Bruised and broken
And take me into their arms
Hold me like a child
But you are too grown to feel such ways
These voices whisper licking blood
Carefully off their fingers
Spikes poke at my sides leaving no room
For me to move or breathe
I am slowly dying
And yet I tell you I am fine
For if I were to ever admit
That this is how I truly feel
My demons would take form
No longer shadows but figures
Ready to take me whole
If you ever feel like you can’t go on any longer please know you’re my world.
If you’re ever sat alone in the darkest room of your mind remember that there’s a tealight on the windowsill.
Light that candle
And that little flame of mine will glow so fiercely.
Emitting undeniable warmth and love that dances around the room like fireflies.
I love you.
The other night
I spent all of my tears & paid all my prayers,
I had hoped it would end it all.
cashed in the huge streaming check
from every drop my eyes spilled.
My blanket held me down
while both thought took turns
throwing hard punches & kicks
at every square-inch on my body.
my bones crunched
with every attempt
to fully drain the hope-
-ful air in my lungs.
I could only lay there.
Twitching out breathless cries,
rubbing blood out of my eyes
& taking it all in for the whole night.
The following day
I brought these thugs to work
but no one else seemed to notice.
My doctor tried to numb me with pills,
& I must admit
although they did work at giving it all the cold shoulder,
it didn't take long
before I struggled to use my shoulder
With their knives & spears steaked into my skin.
Every night now, I sleep to their stories
& their bullying,
focused on breathing all night.
I thought I could fake my way through it all
these noices have started making sense
don't know why I'm breathing anymore.
You dig a hole in the ground
You keep digging deep down
So the echo won’t slip
because your goal is to scream
to ease the pain inside
The dirt in your hands
is the sin/ the problem/ the hate/
That you have been carrying around
Somehow you kept holding on
now freedom is what you seek
Fading memories is your dream
But what happens after you scream?
Yes, you feel a bit at peace
Yet the feeling you get makes you
bitter and sweet
You have been carrying this weight
on your feet
feeling the heat
Blood flowing through your veins
Love turned into hate & trust into fear
So after all are you really at PEACE?
you go on with your everyday life
growing weary and cold
The battle with your mind begins
Because digging is no longer your escape
Your own fear has captured you in a cage
So you write it down on paper
Not in pencil but in pen
Because there are no mistakes
That can be erased (erasing parts in your life)
What’s done is done
And your shame cannot be wiped away
Once again you fight in the flesh
all you want is peace
And a resting place
Yet you seek no one but yourself.
The old is gone the new is here (2corinthians 5:17)
Have no fear for He is with you
Seek Jesus let him be your escape
The one who fulfills that empty SPACE!
There comes a time
Where sense of reality
In hours or seconds-
Days or years,
Your soul will awaken,
Along with your tears.
Red as the roses
And weeping like willows,
The windows start crying
While your lungs start to billow.
But when this time comes,
And you cant get away,
Please stick around
For at least one more day.
I know things are hard,
But they will be okay,
Please let down your guard,
We will make it someday.
but when i said
‘living on the edge,’
this was never
what i meant.
what i meant was real party all night
without parents’ permission;
not a pity party at night
with my self-destructing notions.
what i meant was real rollercoasters,
or go on life adventures;
not roller coasters
of all my life’s emotions.
what i meant was swim in the ocean,
or face my darkest fear.
not an ocean of my
darkest fears face me.
but i when i said
put ‘happy’ and ‘die’ together,
i meant to actually ‘die happy’
not to be ‘happy dying.’
wrote this piece for National Mental Health Week.
You are a stranger to me
With a body I know too well
Eyes I recognize so empty
And a laugh that once
Filled up my spaces
Dates become more significant
When you are not there to
Acknowledge them with me
You are like snow
But instead I am the one falling
And you were gone before
I ever even had a chance
To capture your beauty
My ghostly winter lover