foul feelings plague my mind today
like a storm in a teapot
visible to some
but only to those few who dare to look into my eyes
through the frosted window
iced over by my arctic heart

C</3

We're sitting in the same room, silent.
I don't specifically remember how we got here,
but I wish we could go back -- when we barely knew each other.
Now I feel betrayed and everything has changed.
You haven't noticed, but all my ideals have evaporated.
I spent my life with these expectations
my pride won't let it go.
Knowing that I love you more than you could ever love me
fills me with dread
Maybe if I say and do the right things I can change enough.
I can expect less.
I can be happy with less.
Other days I feel like you should go **** yourself.

~Christi Michaels~September 2014~

We are not symbiotic any more
I lay in our soft warm bed
I slumber to your snore
Our heart's and minds have drifted
To other continents shores

We walk in two dimensions
Though parallel they may seem
Find it so very difficult
Imaging the way we used to be

This is such a simple tale
Of love thats gone amiss.
The problem here
The difficult reality
Is what to do with This.


Copyright © 2015 Christi Michaels.
All Rights Reserved.

A father reborn


Waking up in tears, is a normal day,
Since I was informed, you had passed away,
I know you’d be angry, for me falling apart,
I try to be strong, but guilt crushed my heart,

I keep beating myself , for being away all the time,
When your clock in your body, had started to chime,
A countdown had begun, and you wasn't aware,
While I was out socialising, and didn't seem to care.

We barely spoke , when we were at home,
I didn't show you respect, by leaving you alone,
I was side tracked, by the lover in my life,
I should’ve saved our marriage, and cared for my wife.

I failed to even ask, how you were each day,
As I picked up my briefcase, and left on my way.
I failed as father, missed our children growing up,
Always in the distance, when I should’ve been close up.

I forgot each birthday, and anniversary as well,
I made your last months, difficult as hell,
I'm so sorry my love, I want you here next to me,
I was blinded by her lust ,when I needed to see,

I wasn't even beside you, as you took your last breath,
I was beside my lover, as I heard of your death,
I can't turn back time, and change what I’ve done,
But I promise you always, I'll be a father to our sons.

I have quit my job, and severed all ties,
To the place where I worked, and my life full of lies,
I didn't know how, to be a family man,
But I aim to be, the best father I can,

It's been challenging, upsetting and wonderful to see,
As a single father family, who are as close as can be,
You can rest in peace my love, as your memories live on.
As I see your spirit, in each of our sons.

I never knew
How ***** my blood was,
Until I mingled it,
With your own.
I thought
What ran through my veins,

Was pure,
But black became clear,
When you left me alone.

I didn’t want you to leave,

But it was obvious,
You were going to run...
You took away
My driving force,
And the seeds were planted
For what must be done.

I had to ride on,
******* and lost.

What I carried
Inside of me...

Was gone
I knew what to do,

But I was exhausted.
All I had,

Was the chance
To prove you wrong.

I finally betrayed myself to you.
It took one more no
To make me strong
There wasn’t enough hate,
To show me the way home.
So I let cold springs,
Prepare the place,

Where I belong...

It ain’t love, kid
When you pull my hair and you kiss my neck
It ain’t love when you look me dead in the face and you give me a hug as I take that ‘walk of shame’ down your stairs
Funny how I used to cry when you’d leave but now I’m the one leaving and I still cry but the reason has changed
How I used to beg you to stay but you don’t say a word against it when I offer to leave
How the tables have turned like your back to my word
How you don’t try to wipe my tears and ignore the ones you don’t see
How I’d still give you the world if you asked on a golden platter with all the fixings of a passionate love
But what are these words to you
What is my body to you
What is my soul to you
Man, it ain’t love, kid
But it sure as hell stings like it

The earthy smell that overcomes me, as I stand over your body draining of its blood. The primordial scent, thats so familiar, though its our first meeting, I suddenly feel a thousand years apart. I never realized what made you so warm in my arms, until it was in a puddle around me. Loves a feeling, but sadness is a stronger one and in consuming you, you will always be with me.