It was just a dream, thinking of having a happy childhood;
It was just a dream, hoping you could come home to welcoming smiles;
It was just a dream, wishing you could fall asleep at night without crying;
It was just a dream, begging for a normal life for once;
It was just a dream, crying out for someone to save your life;
It was just a dream, watching your whole world slip away;
It was just reality, slipping into a world of darkness;
It was just how it had to be, fading away into oblivion

I once was a girl
Who was young and innocent and carefree  
But something changed within me
And the world turned against me
Ambivalence and dissonance now engulf me,
Creating something of anxiety inside me
I'm drowning in the depression sea
The life inside of me wanting to flee
I'm being attacked by something unseen
The pain and misery I feel
Is something so surreal
But I'm bound to these feelings
I'm anchored to the bottom of the sea
The demons inside me bury me deep...
What have I become?

I found my old journal.
I didn't write in it a lot,
Only when I could think to do it.
Only when it felt necessary.
So I wrote about a lot of the same things.
Heartbreak mostly.
A 9th grader so terribly in love
Again.

Everything is remarkably depressing
At that age.
Or so my journal would have you believe.

Here are some excerpts I found noteworthy

November 19th, 2014.

"I just hope she finally decides my head is no safe resting place for any kind of love."

December 16th, 2014.

"I feel like death, and all I want is for her to hold my dead body until I feel like breathing again."



Heavy,
I know.


Believe me,
I know.



I'd be dishonest if I didn't mention
That there are a lot more of those.
And I'd be dishonest if I didn't mention
That I'm best friends with that girl now.
I laughed when I read these.
The pain read so real
Yet I don't remember what it feels like
To miss her like that.

Then I found another passage
From a year ago.
A riper wound.

September 23rd, 2016. (The day I found out she didn't love me, and might be dating my older, douchier cousin)

"I cried for the first time in awhile, but it doesn't feel as good as I remember."

And then I realize
I've been watching the same Ferris wheel
Go around
My whole life,
Just with different people
Playing the same role.
And it all feels the same.

If love was for sale
I'd empty my pockets.

I still pick the scab.
I'm still the same kid.

00:54; we are eating silently in the same room, but not with each other. We both have had hard days and it seems like our company won't do anything to make it better. He touched me. It wasn't the way I needed to be touched today.

10:24; I'm awake now and even my own company won't do anything to make it better. The day is so warm that it makes me nauseous, but I stay in the sun anyway. I don't read the news today.

14:30; this book store is having an outdoor sale and I spend $4 to impress the cute sales clerk on my obscure picks.

15:04; I'm home and I eat 2 and 1/2 carrots. My day-to-day grind keeps me busy but does it do anything for me? Everything I touch I reduce to being a waste of time meant for something better. I sound pessimistic but I truly don't believe that I am.

17:12; I'm out and he's out with me and we're doing a project together. Our minds create great things when they touch but that doesn't happen as often as I want to. I'm hungry and I'm reminded that I am responsible for feeding myself.

In every single page of you,
My indescribable thoughts were written.
And in everything that I've been through,
You are always there to listen.

You never fail to make me feel comfortable
Everytime I talk without a limit.
Your gentleness is irresistable;
You make me feel that I will never regret it.

You see the depths of my heart
But still, you gave me everlasting bliss.
In every piece of me you left an art,
You sealed me with a quick kiss.

I had locked away the world for now.
I had no reason to entertain there lies for I saw there truths for what they were .

Madness has a way of allowing us to detach .
The mind a maze that is a prison to some and a endless abyss of darnkeness to me .

I was slipping as a man becoming something far more destructive I understood the words now.

There was no music like that of silence and insanity clawing upon hollow walls .
Blissful in its desires no man may fathom the truths we blind are thoughts to .

To simply exist is far from my need.

I waited for sunset and summoned them that would not exist in light.

The door was locked but to blind eyes there was something far more beautiful in its destruction headed my way.

The canvas is all that matters your health and sanity are merely pawns in this game of chess.

Never bury your thoughts no matter there sin.

We know the ritual only those without fear cast there souls to the wind .

I can here the ordinary screaming on the inside yearning only to know that which cannot be undone .

I locked the door not to keep the world away.
I locked the door simply to keep myself from letting something far worse than I out .

And so it has begun and as so it will be .