I look, yet I'm blind,

I hear, but I'm deafened.

The radio static in my head is ever so lasting, unfailing.

I can rely on my instability,
my inquisitiveness turned to doubt.

I'm in love, but I can't love.
Have I ever learned to love?

I've always been loved, adored.
When did love become uncomfortable?

I'm the happiest I could've been,
but I'm blind to everything.

My strength is fragile,
I can't live like this.

I can't live when it's me who turns every drop of golden sunshine,
into tar.

Why can't I be happy?
Where are my screws loose?

Have I always been like this?
It can't be love that brought this out.

Something so pure, could not bring this out.

What is it like?
To not lead life with fear, paranoia and panic.

What is it like?
To wake up without sweat, a pounding heart, with a crowded head.

What is it like?
To love another, and oneself at the same time.

What is it like?
To not be me, to not live in constant torment.

Shhh
I can hear you thinking
Screaming in your head
Wishing you were someone else
Wishing you were dead

Shhhhh
I can hear your heart pounding
Faster, harder than it should
I can see it in your eyes
How you feel misunderstood

Shhh
It'll be ok, I promise
No more tears, no more fears
But right now I need the silence
I cant think past my own bleeding ears

I'm getting back my rhythm,
that flow that I missed,
kissed the wrong list,
I got so ******.

Punctured my own wheels,
walked up to the hills on heels,
got so tired, readily busted,
Nothing so far tested.

Preoccupied with disastrous hallucination,
I lost my sheer imagination.
took so many turns,
unguided blindly got hit by the red district.

So sorry, I missed my hit list.
Strange, where I got to sit next to the stranger,
followed the footsteps of my demons wicked derringer.

Oh my god, I've lost my mind, it's better to sleep,
Look who is talking, the loser who got easily broke and now he weeps.
Now I'm sleeping, not writing,  although I've got the rhythm and would try to write
better next time.

- shivamrealmyself

Like remoras surrounding a great shark, Death too has company.
Little flecks of despair floating in the air around your body.

Desperate for their master, they harm you.
They can not touch a hair of your body, nor lay a hand on your shoulder.

Instead, they whisper.
Mean little thoughts, innocent suggestions that are nothing if not malicious.

Little proposals masked as questions-
"what if you did"

They can not push you off a building,
but they can urge you to stand at its top during a windy night.

They can not control your body to run in front of the hurrying cars,
but they can tell you-
"maybe you should"

Death has many little devotees, reuniting at the collection of your soul.

The plastic mat that my mother placed on the bottom of the bathtub
To keep my brother and I from slipping in the shower
Prints circular patterns into my shins as I force up the first
Home cooked meal she’s made in months.
The music plays at full volume and the vent hums its disheartening song,
Drowning out the retching sounds coming from my lungs, and I start to shiver beneath
The river of steaming water drumming against my back.
Water is infinitely more comforting than any human touch has ever been.
The heat on my back sends goosebumps down my arms and I think about
How it would feel to be held by something other than
Warm water and moonlight.
Am I so damaged that the only sensations I would feel are
My heart in my throat and a tsunami of fear that would rush over me
Like the water washes over my back?
I sit in the bottom of the tub staring into my ***** as it stares up at me.
The pattering of the water hitting my flesh whispers softly
You are not enough.
You will never
Be enough.
I rest my head against the chilling tiles of the wall
And the words soak into my skin before I can think to wash them away.

you made a playlist
of songs about
car crashes

not because you
want to die
but because
your mind
does

Numb
My legs go numb
the thoughts invading my head
Stupid thoughts that I know are a figment of my imagination
I am starting to believe
the repetition tricking my body

I feel the exhaustion
the weight of my thoughts is crushing
I feel like Atlas, the weight of the world on his shoulder
Keeping it in when it's trying to get out.
Out of my eyes
out of my mouth
out of my pores, my nose, my ears

I feel like I'm going to *****
my voice gets small
my belief is growing in these lies I lay
I didn't think this before
I didn't feel this before

I know its stupid
I know I shouldn't believe it
but I do
and that's terrifying