it is as if every little thing reminds me of you
a smile and a kiss
one word, hurt
a breath from the nature
the smell from those flowers
you bought me
back then
even the sunkiss
a slap on the shoulder
back to reality
it was never really you and me

sometimes I forget who I was before I met you
Because after you I didn’t want to be me anymore.
And I was dumb because I believed you when it was really
always just "I love you until I find the next best thing"
your face was always flushed from sprinting and I still want to know
If the breathlessness; the ache to your lungs was worth the chase
you always said the next best feeling always seemed miles away;
I’ll never forget the smell of candy melted saccharine
Something sugar sweet drips from your lips
I asked you what euphoria tastes like and you didn’t answer.
I guess that means it was better than me
And I hope it was but
at least I was real

And you know, I guess the truth is, I still think about you every day
And I don’t mean this in a cliche
Pink and glitter heart shaped box; superficial romance kind of way
I mean I still think about you every day
When I roll my sleeves down to hide scars
that I can still picture your face behind and
I still think about you every day because its winter
And the sun is suffocated by overcast clouds;
The way the world was when you were around.

face up on the ground
rain hits my face
i have been here before
lying in the mud
slowly enveloping me
like a hug
or perhaps more like a boa constrictor
my skin pulls upward
towards the stars
towards light
while my bones want nothing more
then to be laid to rest

6 years old
loves barbies
plays outside
learning to ride a bike
shes getting taller

9 years old
loves chapstick flavors
walks outside
rides her bike everywhere
she is the tallest in her class

14 years old
loves mascara
runs outside to burn off the cupcake
bike sits alone
she is the biggest in her class

16 years old
loves black
runs lines down her arms, she doesnt see the sun
she drives around for hours thinking about everything but nothing
she is shrinking

18 years old
loves loneliness
runs and runs and runs from herself
she drives around hoping that she will be strong enough to make it home
she is breaking
slowly

20 years old
loves skipping meals
goes running until she feels like she's going to pass out, then runs another mile
she drives around thinking about her suicide attempt and thinks about heading home
she doesn't even know if home is a place or a feeling or if its real
lines going up her thigh now because she found out that wrists make people worry

23 years old
loves medicine and **** and alcohol
goes running and then to work and then tries to sleep but never can
so she turns on phoebe bridgers and goes on a drive at 3am
she decided that home was a place on her childhood roof looking at the stars but her parents sold the house
she got a tattoo instead of making her own scars because if she’s going to be in pain anyways someone might as well make art out of it-
but she found the tattoo didn’t hurt her at all so the grid on her thigh came back anyways.

people don't understand
the process of self destruction
it started a long time ago
and it will never end
until she does.

‘I don’t know’.
That isn’t an excuse. That’s not the easy way out.
I genuinely do not know the answer to the question you’re asking.
Oh you’re frustrated?
Imagine how I feel!!
You just asked that question.
I have been asking that question my entire life.
“Why can’t you just..?”
I
             DON’T
                                   KNOW !
I want to scream,
to cry,
to be heard in some way !!
and not because I need the attention but because I genuinely have something to say..
Something worth hearing..
I’m scared of what’s in my mind.
I’m scared that I’m running out of time.
I’m scared to be alone because I don’t trust myself.
Not around scissors.
Not around pills.
Not around myself.
Do you know how that feels?
Do you know how it feels
to not trust yourself
around yourself?
I am at war.
   My mind
        vs
       Me
with my heart as a witness,
my soul as the prize
and my body, the battlefield.
I wonder..
Will I be a causality?

Ever met someone that made your body shiver?
That made you re-evaluate yourself alot quicker?
Tongue is slicker
than liquor that been marinating since 2 winters
and you cannot fathom what do with it either?

Ever met someone that got you guard down?
kept talking to you when you were so sure you were lost and now?
Shadows keep replaying the scenes that I'm ******* to
without ever taking my clothes off,  im biting my lips too

His mind is beautiful
even though he never thinks so, he's still confused that I am finding him so--
Atrractive, I do not wish to lose him
Manically, I'm laughing,
I can feel myself losing control to him.

It's funny.
I once believed I was heartless
not a beat in my chest to cause duress.
Not a disturbance, I laid my feelings to rest
so determined that they were the feels of a teen and yet
he's re wakened something in my soul
something in my heart and beyond my control

Even if, he does not believe that he the last thing I think about before dreaming,  in the bed .
im his now
Even if, he does not believe that I think he's worth being with
I am his now, please believe it with a fighting spirit.

These dreams keep coming back to me
and if dreams are secret wishes then
Im wishing that you'll find a back to me

Cry me a river
Of insure little tears
Sparkling like diamonds
Filled with your greatest fears
Let it glisten, Let it flow
Down your cheeks
To the land below
Salty to the tongue
Taste it upon your skin
Be still my little darling
He's watching with a grin
Thriving off your sadness
He pushes the knife further in
Prying on your weakness
To unveil deeper sins
Sins that have been locked away
Beneath the facade of a smile
Nothing bothers the angel dear
Even those who are vile
Emotions make you weak
Nobody wishes to see the evil
Disgusting feelings of envy
That you so dearly keep
Rage and jealousy
Hide them away
Calm and gentle
Let them stay
For nobody will love
A girl who displays
Her heart boldly upon her cheek
They will fire their arrows at the rate
Of the time it takes for your heart to break
Run and hide with all your might
Do all you can but fight
Foxes they play
Snakes they bite
In the den you are trapped
You know that I'm right
And while in the home of the serpents
You will come to know
That the faces you loved
Are the first to go
And its then you will see
That surrounded by people
Is the moment you realize
You are truly alone

For nobody is willing to enter the den of those that break
As all the friends you loved turned out to be that of those very same snakes

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