If only my innocence, had lasted forever.
If only my worries, were as light as a feather.
The world had other thoughts, and it chose to beat me down.
I lost my great grandpa when I was just ten,
I tried to grieve, but how could I then.
The next year I lost a grandfather, his name was Bruce.
For all his rough edges he sure was a great man, so losing him confused eleven year old me.
Six months later I lost my great grandma.
She had been old and weak, but her heart had still kicked those fiesty beats.
With so much loss my mind began to spin, why did those I love disappear in the wind?
I grew older in age, but my heart always ached.
For those I had lost, it felt just like yesterday.
Sadness led to fear, longing for pain.
Then sadness led to longing for someone to explain.
I loved and lost women and friends, until finally I just begged the world to let it all end.
I sat in the hospital, staring out the window from my hospital bed.
Alone at last, but surrounded by those like me.
The heartbroken, the lost, the one's living through insanity.
But something strange happened that day, something deeply profound.
From that day forward I looked up from the ground.
I smiled more often, and took stock of my life.
No longer did I worry over any perceived misery or strife.
Falling down for so many years had taught me one thing; getting up is your choice, no matter what the world thinks.

You are my life support.
And I am plagued by the past.

Call me beautiful like it's the only thing
Keeping me breathing.

Kiss me like you mean it,
Your love is my medicine.

You are my life support.
Be forever bound to me.

I am from the teal sprinklers that were used with make-believe friends
from the brown bruises from playing too hard
I am from the golden s'mores eaten in the early morning
from the tan sand that was always in my shoes
I am from the navy participation awards hung in my room
from the pink ribbons pinned on my heart
I am from the yellow sunshine in my father's laugh
from the copper taste in my mouth when forgetting to do chores  
I am from the maroon uniform made to look the same
from the blue pens used on countless school nights
I am from the indigo feeling of panic when having to do a class presentation
from the silver markers used to correct me
I am from the lilac masses where we sang our praise
from the cream tub which washed away years of hurt
I am from the grey cookie cutter town where we all act the same
from the chestnut casket that my grandpa lies in
I am from the purple revenge that sickens a siblings bond
from the black hospital which haunts my dreams
I am from the red scars that decorate my body
from the white safety plan to ensure I live another day
I am from the violet sleeping pills
from the orange calming pills
I am from a beautiful painting which one day I will consider a masterpiece

1) Mental hospitals are more like dramas/comedies than horror
    films. When people think of psych wards they think of criminally
    insane people rocking back and forth, talking to their imaginary
    friends and throwing chairs. Don't get me wrong, there's some of
    those. But most of us just do word searches, color, joke about
    serious things.
2) We aren't monsters, we are your brothers, your daughters, your
    mother, your co-worker we are just regular people who have lost
    our way and need some help finding the path again
3) I am closer to people I knew for 2 weeks than I will ever be with
    anyone on the outside. Yes we all call it the outside
4) Sometimes talking to people who understand what you're going
    through is more therapeutic than the actual therapy groups. This
    is not to say that the doctors there are crap it is just to say that no  
    matter how much they read and listen they will never truly
    understand what it feels like unless they have been there and we
    can tell who has been there, they go the extra mile to make us
    feel like people
5) It's not a vacation, it's not fun, it's not an escape from the real
    world. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. It is work.
6) Everyone in there is a person in unbearable pain but it isn't just a
    bunch of people sitting around crying. We go from group to
    group and then color and go to bed nothing about it is really fun
    but you get used to it
7) The mental hospital is like a camp for empty people, just like a
    band camp we can all relate to each other and makes you feel
    less alone
8) Getting discharged it a great feeling because you are free, but it
    is also completely terrifying, in the hospital it's safe, people get it,
    there is always someone to talk to and now you're all alone
9) Just because I've spent 7 and a half weeks in a mental hospital
    over 2 stays doesn't mean I am fixed there is no cure for my
    illnesses and that's just the way it is
10) We are not who you think, the kindest people I've ever met
     were also the ones hurting the most.

im the in between of everything. mildew heart made to be a pin pouch, kept for when i knit. fishnet curtains stitched with suicide attempts and fear. every crevice cased in hospital visits. the paramedics sigh when they see me. "not again?" they ask hungrily, as if my hollow drilled eyes can feed their paycheck and maybe their ego.
    kiddie technicolor walls drawn with the images of whales that the youth group scribbled. the whales are drowning now.. forgotten how to swim. choking on plastic bags made from arrogance and money. i want to be whole again. i'm so very tired of the cold air and my trembling knees. i gulp down the manic pills like the goldfish my ma kept in her fish tank. did my grandmother feel like this? love so deeply that they took her away to a place with pills kept up in locked spaces? shoe strings cut with safety scissors. i bet it was scarier. i hope that it wasn't.

Small cough
Little sneeze
Runny nose
Teary eyes.
Drug your body,
Keep it fresh
Drink some water
Let it be.
Minor headache
Itchy body,
Burning eyes
Hurting ears.
Pediatrician gives you drugs,
Take it now,
Three a day.
Heating fever,
Body aching
Brain melting,
Reality breaking.
Hospital is nearing,
Vision blurring
On a bed,
In a car.
Light shining
Men looking,
Knife cutting,
You dying.