Winter has been long, feels good to
                       finally be able to bask
                                     in the warmth
                                                    of the
                             sun.

We like to be happy, but it's when we are lost,  miserable and enduring that ravenous unrelenting pain that we mature. Its in those, the most challenging moments of life, that create monsters and gods.

Even when I know that it wouldn't last
I still am trying hard
Enduring the moments of despair
cursing the fate for being unfair
Strong believer of miracles, filled with doubts
praying for rains, fed in droughts
Embracing the tear soaked pillow as if a lover
Drinks touching my lips turn sober
Thoughts on swings as if a child
defying strokes as aftereffects of the ride
I still believe that time is life's leveler
I still believe that one day everything will be fine
I still believe that miracles will happen one more time
I still believe,
For all I have is,
Endurance to perceive
Wait to feel
Walk till endeavor.
Forever.

Hard times strengthen,
They form wisdom
And power.

They stretch the mind,
Renew thinking,
And Toughen.

Appreciating them isn't easy
Until they come to pass
And their reasons
Are realised.

I turned twenty one today,
and I was hoping I would wake up 21
instead of being awake into my birthday

My thoughts were so loud it was
physically impossible to quiet them

I got a message from you saying you loved me and saying happy birthday before you fell asleep
before I fell asleep  
I smiled and knew I would see you that day

but that day, today, I woke up
after an hour of sleep at 6 am
only to watch the sunrise and share laughs
with my mother whom I shared a bed with that night, instead of you.

I drove around to try and figure out what to do
where to go, what I needed for the day,
I wound up at breakfast with my mother
and breakfast was a disappointment
the unmelted cheese on my breakfast sandwich striked me the wrong way
at breakfast you messaged me with something new that had happened
a people pleaser you are, trying to figure out what's best to do

I went to the house I'm staying at
and I tried to take a nap but my head hurt so bad I laid down for two hours  
then went for a walk

and took a good long look at the city I have moved to,
the city, that makes my heart sing
I took a breath of fresh air and reminded myself that I have chosen to be here

After that I slept
for an hour at that
and at 4:30 pm I had another message
for something else from you
that had come up

I cried and I called you
and we argued for two hours as I stood in the rain in the back yard, once again looking out at the city.

my family didn't go to dinner
because I cried too much to get myself together

I didn't do anything I wanted to do today, on my birthday, my twenty first birthday
supposedly the most memorable birthday in your life
besides fifty I guess

but today I realized that expectations don't exist for some people
and today I realized that birthdays are just another day

"Happy Birthday, Emily." you said,
as my tears ran in direct contact with the shower water

Happy Birthday Emily
Maybe next year will be better

3:11am

I’m sweating 

three minutes ago I was freezing 

but I caught myself drowning 
in my feelings of missing you 

and that’s become terrifyingly 
uncomfortable

3:12am

the sheets are still off my bed

they have been since I left 

I’m still laying uncomfortably 

but I can’t muster the courage 
to fix them

3:13am

the candle light flickers

and I think of things we used to do

I didn’t spend too much time with you

why am I feeling so cold again

3:14am

there’s no sense in dwelling

on things out of my control

but I’m playing out scenarios 

of how this could have been

it’s 3:14am 

and I haven’t slipped into 

unconsciousness yet

I’m too afraid to dream 

because I know you’ll be interrupting

3:15am 

I’m still breathing

The stars will always shine.
They'll keep shining relentlessly.
You shouldn't ever forget that,
Because in hard times there are little things.
These little things we learn to hold onto.
They can help keep us from falling apart.
Take the stars for example;
They'll still always be there
And they won't ever give up.
You should make the same efforts.
To make everyday be lived and loved,
And also to not ever
Give up.