Who put me here
To suffer eternally
But the expanse of the mind
Stretches beyond reality
Time is constructed by society
When it crumbles
No change will be recorded.
But will thoughts go on
Or do they die with me.
How did I get here
Doubts of a creator
My ancestors swam
So why am I drowning right now
A product of millions of years of evolution
Yet my brain is still chemically imbalanced
If it's survival of the fittest
I am the weakest link
Darwin's finches can't explain the human brain
I was born to die like the rest of humanity.
Why am I here
Is it karma for a past life
Is death what I want truly or just to stop feeling for awhile
Is there a difference?
Because I don't feel like there is one
Who would miss me?
In the grand scheme of the universe..
I'm free of guilt
The stars tell me it's an earthly emotion anyways.
Am I in love
Am I though really
Don't I ever learn
That love doesn't mean
Infatuated with someone
That I am only living in a dysfunctional cycle
Of constant painful emotions
Forever getting over the jealousy
That I am not what they want
And that's okay
I should be okay with that
Why do I fight so hard to be the one
It never works out that I am the one
I am the one I guess
The one that is temporary
On the path to the rest of their lives
And I should be content to see them at their best
And wish them well
I am not what they want
And that's okay
I'm in love again
My brain says
My heart pounds in morse code
Future me I am so sorry
For the pain I caused you
Cry as much as you want for lost "love"
Another is on the way.
My stresses exist in the nighttime like stars in the sky,
So many and unconsciously I battle them
Never able to win
I am overpowered
I wake up beat and ****** with
Teeth clenched too tight
My jaw aches
And my eyes refuse to open
I'm too tired and too old to fight every night
Yet the bell rings as soon as I fall asleep
How do I prepare for the exact anxieties
My brain sets up for me,
All of them reigning champions
I'll never touch the belt
Because even good dreams
Leave me to wake in the real world.
I have to fight the day too.
I can't wait to retire.
Some days I wake up
Mind torn from
And no desire to breakdown
So I skip class.
Trapped in my mental jailcell
I dissect my compulsive thoughts
Only to see they stitched
Themselves back together
And are resistant to leave.
On days I can grasp and hold my will
I stew in class
Noticing my classmates
Who speak louder than I do,
Who answer questions more eloquently,
And speak science fluently,
I am left to boil in my
Lack of voice, skill, and knowledge.
At the end of my first class
I am already overdone,
A husk goes to the remaining classes
On days I wake up
I skip class
Fighting fire with Magma,
this technique is
And I know it.
Pressure builds like a volatile volcano…
I FAIL my classes and ERUPT
The peak that is my self esteem
Shattered by emails from professors,
The lava oozes down the slopes of Mt. Me
“Maybe I don’t Belong Here”
Starts the a nearby tsunami forming
Underneath my scalp
It gathers speed and force.
It decimates the cerebrum.
I have to rebuild...
This land is recycled often
Tremors with magnitudes that match
Keep me vigilant and mindful
that collapse is part
Of my nature The complex societies that are rebuilt within my mind always thrive
….at the beginning of next semester.
My mom taught me to clean the beans
seemingly hundreds all on the counter,
a delicious rain
as they fall.
Find the "Bad" ones
I am power,
just for awhile.
Cleaning beans meant
my mom would make
the timeless and classic bean and cheese burrito.
The beans take all **** day to cook...
they taught me
I destroyed a world...
In one night
One that I helped build.
I invaded the surface and dug,
Hoping to find something precious,
To satisfy my greed & lust.
Now it's cracked and scarred..
I destroyed a world that meant everything to me..
For nothing but an urge I thought I had.
I wronged an oasis that kept me from
Dying of dehydration,
In the droughts of my life...
If I believed in heaven & hell,
I would say my soul is being dragged downwards,
And that's why I feel so low..
But I know better.
Reality is far worse.
I watch from orbit as the world is mended,
Admiring it's strength and beauty...
I know. I can never return there.
So I drift through emptiness
Content, finds me in the knowledge that the world will thrive...
You are a storm.
Off in the distance..
I can see the dark brooding clouds
The energetic flashes of lightning
I can see the veil of rain..
But you are off in the distance..
I can't hear the crack of thunder or feel it's mighty rumble beneath my bare feet..
I can't smell the rain as it hits the hot earth..
I long for the monsoon in my dry land..
But the winds take you elsewhere
You are a storm.
A brutish force of nature
Beautiful in your chaos..
Your lightning may strike,
You can create fire.
Your rains may flood,
You can carve rivers.
Life thrives in the aftermath of your destruction.
You are an artist.
And I admire from the distance.