Skills we don't teach:
How to articulate
disappointment
to someone you love,
at their weakest state.
In an empowering way;
positively.
Negating the overwhelming
negativity
you feel inside.

I know you might think life is unfair.
I know you might be frustrated and angry.
I know you feel like you can't get ahead sometimes.
I know you want fancy things.
I know you want to excel in life.
I know you may get lonely sometimes.
I know you miss your friends, all the people you once thought had your back that are now gone.
I know you may think, maybe you've had your happiness, with a man you once loved.. your first love, who took you for granted and took all your love.
I know you think there's nobody out there who could ever possibly love you.
I know there are days you doubt yourself. You think maybe this is all you'll become.
This is all I'll ever be.
Mediocre...
Living pay check to pay check where nothing in life is free.
Thinking I'll never amount to anything.


Dear future self listen carefully,

If I could I'd shake you silly.
I know life gets extremely hard, and there's nothing you can do about it....

Certain things, situations in our lives will be out of our control.

Except one thing.

Ourselves.

We can control how we choose to look at our lives. We control how we choose to react to certain situations, and the people in our lives.

So future self, when you find yourself... mind body heart and soul laying in the gutter with not even a glimmer of hope for better days, remember this if nothing else.

You are not your past, or what has happened to you there. Just because you went through it does not mean it defines who you are.

You can choose your own destiny if you never allow yourself to loose hope.

You are beautiful.
Worthy, and worthy of being loved by the right person.
You're not the ****** situation you may be in.
You can rise above any circumstance that has brought you to your knees because you are more than any obstacle or fear that has hindered your path temporarily.

You ******* got this, and I believe in you.


I love you,


Sincerely, future self

There are times when I don't feel sad but I feel bad
bad enough that I question the things I have done.
As my day go on, I wish this thing could be gone.
I laugh, smile and have fun for a little while
but then I still go back to that same feeling.
Feelings that I don't know how to express, neither what to call it,
Or is it stress?
It's like somebody punch me on my chest
but the hand got stuck there and took a rest.
I wanna share this feeling but I'm afraid that no one is willing.
Same time last year when I had the same feeling
I though I was done. I moved on and worked ******* it.
But I guess it will always come back once you had it.
how sad I don't even know what to call "it".

Broken into million tiny pieces,
Scattered as a thousand shards,
Torn apart by mindless gossips,
Plunged with a dozen knives
Plated with jealousy and greed,
Got run over by fake concerns,
Bitten by some parasitic humans,
Toppled down by intolerance,
Stamped down by indifference,
Abused by few immodest ones,
Died because of immoral some,
Got choked helping a handful,
Poisoned by loneliness for long
                      Is me.
I tied the noose a million times
But could tighten it never ever
As glints of hope always remained.
My knees are almost giving away.
Yet here I stand!  I stand.  I live.

I inhale smoke through lips I've kept shut for far too long. Through the depression and anxiety, finding a reason to breathe is hard, so talking about it has never truly been an option.

Exhaling I whisper only to myself under deep, harsh breaths.Understand I cannot let you witness how I really feel inside.
Although you beg to differ, not even I am willing to put up with myself through the heavy showers and sleepless nights.

My mind is as endless as the ocean, and this isn't last time I'll question whether I should let myself sink. At the bottom you can't see my puffy eyes or tear-stained cheeks.
When all you can comprehend is darkness you'll finally understand what it's like to be stranded in the abyss of me.

But it's kind that you say you'll stick around when my hurricane hits. The sun can't guide you on days like these.
I can't help you help me when I can't help myself. I can’t comprehend why I'd need to stay afloat.

So I'll inhale smoke through lips kept locked, and exhale still in whispers. No more deeper than the ocean goes, I know the smoke can’t mask what's inside when the storm comes.

I understand why you would leave.

I embody the bad vibe felt in a room; the heaviness on your chest. I am both the rock and the hard place.
This world is not made for me; I can do no right. My birth was an error, my death is inevitable.

I long to belong.

I"ll be ok,
I always end up ok

My life seems to be frozen in time.
Waiting for the sun, but it no longer shines.
Nothing ever changes. It all stays the same.
Searching for the happiness that I want to gain.
Everyone else is moving ahead.
But all I can do is lay here in bed.
People, their lives, their friends, and their luck.
I'm going nowhere. I seem to be stuck. Some tend to think that my life is quite good.
I don't agree, but maybe I should. Plebeian types have to live on the streets. While I sleep at home, tucked away in my sheets.
I shouldn't complain but it's become very hard, To enjoy life's small moments.
I'm internally scarred.
My life isn't bad. It's just somewhat tougher,
than the people I know, that's  because I do suffer.
It was never my purpose to bask in my pity.
I just needed to express my deep pain subsequently.