A triangle block in a square hole.
I manage to fit but there’s still
Something missing.

The uncanny valley of personhood.
I blend in just enough to
Stand out.

I use it as a weapon and so do they.

At age 3
I began to see
That the world wasnt as kind
As it first seemed to be

I'd wake up to his voice
Loud and unrelenting
And I'd cry until
My eyes were dry

At age 5
I became sad
And tired
Losing the only friend I had

For my dog died
And could no longer protect me
So I cried
Until my eyes were dry

And every night after
I'd stay awake
Watching the cars drive by
My window
All night
Wishing once more
That she could be asleep
By my side

At age 8
We moved to a new place
And for a little while
Things were at peace

We lived in a campground
In a tent
Surrounded by other people
Some who I called friend

That was until
My friend split her head
And I watched her bleed
Unable to breath
Yet I was punished
And no longer able to see
The friend she had come to be

At age 9
Things fell apart
All because
He told me for the first time
That he loved me

But it was all lies
As he'd sneak into my room
Late at night
And steal the light
From my eyes

At this time
I also began to
Not wanna eat
Because
If I made myself
Skinny and sick
Maybe he wouldnt
Comment on my body

At age 10
I became the me
That I wish never became
Reality

I started to harm my skin
Hoping to bleed
So that the only reason
I was bleeding
Wasn't because of him

At age 11
My classmates
Started to ask me
Why I was always
Spending all day
Locked away
In the nurse's office

I would always just say
Oh
I'm just tired today
But the truth is that
I'd come to school
Crying everyday
And couldn't function
So they'd hide me away

At age 12
I ran away
They didn't even notice
That I was gone the entire
Beggining of the day

When I was found
I was yelled at
And called selfish
So that night
I tried to end my life

I didn't succeed
And after a bit
I started dating
People online

I was groomed
And used
And abused
But atleast someone
Wanted me

At age 13
I could no longer be
Living for the purpose
Of being for him

So I told my brother
Who betrayed me
I told my mom
Who decided
That it was me
Who had to leave

She'd visit me
Once a week
And always update
HIM
On me

So I started to change myself
So he couldn't possibly picture
Who I'd come to be
With this new family

And so that
The person who ***** me
Would no longer be attracted
To the person
They'd now see

At age 14
I started to change even more
For it didn't feel like enough
To me
And I didn't want to be recognized
If he were
To see me

Later that year
My mom also asked me
To once again
Come be with her
And live in a new place

It felt like a dream
Like everything would be okay
And I could live with a real parent
But I soon learned
That biological
Doesn't mean real

At age 15
He came back
Into the house
Into my life

And my home
Turned into
A cold dark
Nightmare
All over again

But I just told myself
That it was just that
A nightmare
It wasn't real
And I began to let myself
Be used
By partners

My body was the only thing on me
That people would love me for
So why not use it

Near the end of the year
I moved in
With someone
I didn't even think I loved
But he cared for me
And he liked my body

At age 16
I knew I loved him
And I always would
For he took care of me
And did his best
To shield me from all the bad people
That would harm me

Even though sometimes
He couldn't handle
What it meant to be
In love with me

And I began to learn
That I was more than my body

But then
I was also once again
***** by another
Who was supposed to be
A new friend

Now we are here
At age 17
I was put into an abusive
Foster home
And had to call the police
After walking to a gas station
For 2 hours
At 1 AM

I ended up
Back at my moms
At a place
Where I never feel safe

I was ***** by
Another two
People

One who I loved
And felt the most safe with
In such a long while

And another
Who was just supposed to be
A friend

I've been touched
Another two times
By someone my mom
Decided to be with
And decided to date

After she knew
She still stayed
With him

But now I'm at my end
Because
I can't get the feeling
Of his hands
Off of me

I dont wanna turn 18
I don't wanna watch
As all my dreams
Fade and fall
Into the dark

I don't wanna turn 18
Because i know
That once I do
I have to deal with everything
And even more
With the thought of losing
You

I know that once I turn 18
Everything that is easy
Is gonna become
So much
Harder

I have to apply
To get money
Just to survive

I have to beg my mom
To pay
For me to get help
Cuz otherwise
I'm stuck here for life
With no one
To take care
Of me

I have to deal
With the possibility
That I can't receive help
Or funds
And I just become stuck

And i have to deal
With the thought
That if you leave too
I'll become lost
And gross
Because I can't even shower
Or go out anywhere
If you do

If i do receive the supports
That i need
I have to apply
For so many things

A service dog
Money cuz i cant get a job
A careworker
And a friend or two
Because nobody simply
Just wants to be friends
With you when you're this broken

I don't wanna turn 18
Even though
There's more things I
Have access to

Sure I can now
Buy ****
And alcohol
And consume it legally
But I might fall on those
As addictions
Not once in awhile
Supplements
For fun

I'm spending my birthday with
YOU
And I'm happy to
Because I'm happy with
The things we do

But I fear
That may be
The last day
You see me smile
Or even breath
And if I survive
It may be awhile
Before I can truly
Say
That I'm
ALIVE

we rode our bikes on autumn street
still not convinced it’s not a dream
wind swept hair and promises
that we'd never forget how it feels

you forgot about autumn street
as soon as the leaves fell from the trees
forgot all those promises
so ready to never look back

too eager to grow up and leave
but I think I'm stuck here
I'm still on autumn street
and you're state lines away

I'm stuck between growing up
and staying in my comforts
it seems too easy for you
to move on from autumn street

I ran through autumn street
and forgot to think about you
I think it's a sign
that I should leave too