its a cold and broken sky
that shines its light tonight
and the snow on the ground
that slips into the night

My voice cracks my words fall
the floor turns to void
a broken hallelujah escapes
as I disappear beneath their ploy

I don't mean to sound pretentious
but I have all intention
of saving myself if it came down to it
and our situations are different
so please try to listen
because this isn't a *******
walk in the park
but rather its a shot in the dark
and neither of us can see
past our own hearts
so don't judge me
for what you did
this isn't great
but it's not a ******* sin
pain can bring out the animal in us all
so don't be surprised when I fall away
and I'm not there
when you wake
because sleep never came to me easy
I'm not broken or ashamed but maybe I am
but I promise I will do the best that I can
to be happier
for myself
vain and conceited
I don't get a chance
but I'm too tired anyway

the world is a sea I believe
but I cannot breathe underwater
the more I swim in this sea
the more it pulls me under

leave me be for I can see
the fins that break the surface
they smile when they see me bleed
their speed makes me nervous

You were searching everywhere.
All in vain.

But didn't it strike you,




                                              How can you look for someone,
                                               who doesn't want to be found?

In some parallel universe.
Where blessings are curse.
Where doctor are called nurse.
You keep your kids in the purse.
You sit on the dogs and houses are guarded by horse.
Where the grains are powder and the flour is coarse.
Where the rain is burning hot and the bird roars.
The money is nothing and your right matters.
The guys are scared to go out in the night and the world is hers.

Now these fake laughs surround me like miseries
Asking why I am not smiling anymore.
If I am sick are there is any problem in my life.
How do I tell-
There was something hurting me, before
But you never bothered to know,
Because I was smiling all the time.
Became one of you.
That's all I was-
A ******* (Fake smile) curl of lips not reaching my eyes.
Getting paid for it.

Now that I am me.
You can't take it anymore.
Why?
Guess it's not what you wanted me to be.
It's not up to the standards of this beautiful society.

The society Where are never belong to.
Never wanted to be a part of.
And when I talk to people,
They don't like it either.
Then who decides that we have to be here.

Part of something which is huge,
But no one wants to be a part of.

{ Like each drop of the river is running to be a part of the ocean,
Because it doesn't want to be where it is,
Dreams about the ocean and how it would be a happy place.
Only to know the reality once it is there.
Then the Drop leaves all the hope and drowns itself in the surrounding water.}


But if everyone is forced
Why don't we just leave it?
Let's have our own societies
Owned by each of us.
With rules made by us
Our own.

Too rebellious - they say.
You are a part of this you can't go.
Where did I sign- when- I ask.
No answers.
Only Rules to follow.

I wanted to breathe- fresh air
They close all the windows.
And make me breathe the stink-
Of their bodies, my body
And tell me this is heaven,
To be blessed with all this beauty,
All these people around me-
Friends, Families, Relatives, Neighbors.

How do I tell-
Our heavens are different.
My heaven consists of me,
My melancholy and my sad soul.
Noooooooo - they cried.
No that's hell.
You can't go there.
You are too naive to know the difference.
We are here to guide you,
Help you know the better.
Really?
Then,
Where were you?
When I was feeling crushed,
By the weight of my fake happy soul,
Which wasn't mine,
But borrowed from you,
One of yours, fake souls,
Which also died of their own weight.
Pretending is heavy.
Very heavy.
Not for everyone.

Why didn't you come and help me?
When my soul was crying a river,
Teardrops of my blood, painful.
Cutting through all the way.
Wherever it fell.
Leaving a scar and a Burn.
As Black as my fake white painted black soul.

Did you see it? Did you?
No. You were busy putting the Angelic white on it whenever you saw it turning Grey, because of the real color it was holding.

You were happy with the outcome.
It was what you wanted.
What I was supposed to be.
I was expected to like it.
But how do I do that?
Especially when at the end of the day when I am on my bed.
And I try to take the skin off,
And remove the soul so it can take some rest.
But as soon as it is away from the fake smile- happy- peel of the skin.
It turns black- all jet black, within a nanosecond.

Then I try to cover it,
So that no one sees it.
And I can't sleep, because of the fear of getting caught.

You told me, I don't need to be afraid of anything
As long as I believed in HIM
But you taught me to be scared of you. Funny.
How it all works, if it pleases you.

I was screaming,
But you didn't ask me - What happened?
I wanted to be heard,
For once at least.
But I never said anything.
Because I am supposed to follow, no questions.

He said- you are sad,
Because I was upset.
Because you love me, care about me.
So I should be happy.
In order to keep YOU happy.
You do not understand - it's a big favor to ask for. Do you?
Take away someone's sorrow, - someone's genuine state of mind.
My gift from HIM.

I tried - I tried hard.
To do things the way you want.
Write happy stories.
Sing cheerful songs.
Keep that upward curl on my lips.
Putting on my red lipstick,
And my black high heels.
Walking as a Lady should.
Rhyming my poetry as far as I could.
Even if it took away the essence,
Just to please you.
To be a part of something I never really wanted to be a part of.
Only to lead to my Paranoia.
Which I got because of you.
Now Taking all my medicines
To keep all my thoughts away.
To please you once more.
Because my thoughts are what would destroy me( as per you)
Maybe it will destroy you.
Because I see that fear on your face.
Whereas I am not scared of destruction and death?
I yearn for them.
to lose everything I own,
Is my dream.
Which you tell me to be scared of.

Now I see that fear clearly on your face.
You taught me to be afraid of you.
Because in reality you were scared of me.
My dark thoughts.
My pure black innocent soul.
Just because I didn't fit your rules.



Now You can see me walk away from you, your people.
I am walking with my head up.
Broadening shoulders, confident.
A smile - not the fake one this time.
And my black soul along with me.
It is sad as usual.
But I have embraced it.
Because that's the way it was made to be.

Now you all watch me go
As I live a happy life with my sad soul.

I slip and sink in the sink as I wash my hands
It's not very deep but I can get lost in a familiar land
so drowning doesn't seem that out of place

why I think the way I think really ***** with my head
and I swear I don't mess with it so why does it sleep in my bed
It's ugly and screams but I have never seen its face

so maybe you were right or made it happen by hoping
I swear it wasn't true but reality becomes real after it's spoken
and now I'm left fleeing and bleeding and losing my grace

I need a fix
I'm going low
Without a hit
I'll get sad
And who's fault's that?
Give me a fix
Or I'll go mad

It's Dopamine I need

So click on 'Like'
No. Better still,
I'd love your 'Love'
It's such a thrill.
I'll feel better for
a 'Comment', or two.
a fix like that
would see me through the day.
The more you give
the happier I'll become

It's Dopamine I need

Give me a fix
I need it bad
If you 'Follow' me
I'd be so glad
You reward me
with this Happy Drug
I'll reward you
with a verse or two.

In the hope this drug flows both ways
Lets be Happy together.
So for both of us
just give me Dopamine