It's been over a year and I cannot forget it
My heart always hurts and I tend to let it
I strive for a connection but always regret it
Lines get drawn and I overstep them

It's a problem that I'm stuck in the past
But for my heart time moves to fast
Life tells jokes and I forget to laugh
I close my eyes when reality floods back

So maybe I'm not
As fine as I thought
Maybe I lose myself from time to time on accident

This isn't a promise
I'm just being honest
When I say I hope I find myself before it all ends

I think therapy is helping. I think I finally figured out that we were always better off apart. I never was able to treat you as the queen you were and instead treated you like I treat myself, always begging for better communication, tripping over petty inconsistencies and desensitizing what it meant to be comfortable. I was always Mac and you were always Ari. While I am heartbroken, I cant blame you for the wreck. Nor can I use it to justify my reactions. It was poor timing and a case of the one locked inside his own head and the one trying to break those walls. You succeeded even though we didnt. Im grateful but still wounded. Like sacrificing an arm to prevent the spread of infection. I am struggling but will learn to live differently with this experience in mind.

There's a place inside
My mind I find
Atrocities like to hide
Keeping my heart pure of things that would surely break it

While there's no cure for the curse
The lord's hands are surely at work
Creating a labyrinth of self doubt and confusion making my mind just as fragile as it strong

They say you should forgive your enemy
But remember their name
and I can guarantee that mine is written on every book and on every page
Of everyone I have ever hurt or ever slain
Or every person I have ever met
Written in blood as black as it is wet
They may have forgiven but I never forget

It's a gross misconception that anyone's really there
I presume there's a dark void separating the reality we share
I forget if I dream but something inside keeps me there
And I chose to wake up because it's the night when I'm scared
As the moon comes up and the chill hits the air
I almost forget how lost in the void I get when I stare

The seas kept pushing a dark mist when it hit
The rocks never gave but the waves still hit
I am not the rock or the ambitious sea
I was the man on the hill with a pen and some tea

Which of my people spoke of the lonely forest
For I the poet too feel empty and cold like a grave
I believe we mourn our dead like death is evil
But they fear strange unknown darkness

Some howl silent melancholy thunder from soul pain
Always between alone, lost, or confusion
Face this earth alone and walk by light young spirit
Echo nevermore with every dark gray storm

No man shrouds his heart come crypt
You are who was there unseen as skin is made though it is bone
Shudder shiver cry be as pale dread
Scream bitter truth whisper about a broken imagination

White raven how he did hide in cover of a black shadow
Through dusk and fly at dawn
He leaves in my crepuscular half dream
I see him here more often now so fill my mystery midnight

I would like to bare my soul
and lie in a bed of roses
and know what it's like to fall
asleep as my eyes are closing
and hopefully, I begin to dream
it's something I forget to do
and I hope you say goodnight again
and my heart stops feeling blue

can you see me?
can you tell where I am tonight?
do you hear me?
I don't know where to find my mind