So, I fell in love. I know, I know. I said being love as a teenager was stupid, and how promising yourself to someone this early was stupid. But I did it. Past me would have been laughing so hard. I said I saw him in my future, we’d create a life together that was amazing.

I loved him for everything he did not love about himself. I will brag and say that I treated him best (compared to his exes so far). I would have accepted any changes that happened to him while we grew together.

But before any of those things could happen, he just left. ****. In a snap he left me with a burning memory in my mind that I did not want to forget, and yet I knew I should. He left me wanting him every night, and yet I could not contact him. He left me, knowing how much I loved him and how much he loved me. Did I even mean anything?

Once something is over it’s hard to really believe it is. You just want it to go back to normal. You have no knowledge on the reason you ****** up.

I’m not mad at him though. I love him too much to be mad at him. I wished him all the best, hoping he would receive all the love that he deserves. I know I treated him the best, but I am sure that someone else will come along and treat him better.

Loving him was exquisite. Everything and nothing existed all at once.

It’s hard to forget such good memories. But I never said I would. I will remember the good, there’s nothing wrong with that, is there?

I am slowly forgetting that he used to consume my days, and all I would do was talk to him. I am slowly forgetting his voice at night, saying I love you as I drift off into sleep. I am slowly forgetting the laughs we shared together and how I couldn’t see anyone else in the future.

I am slowly forgetting him, and I am sad that I am.

When I think about first love,
I remember not wanting to say goodbye
We stayed up all night together
24 hours on Skype
We were miles apart;
The closest thing to staying in your arms was hearing your voice as I drifted to sleep.

We were too proud to say it out loud
The truth we both feared.
I said I love you to all my friends,
But it was a coverup
For a different love entirely.
Some truths don’t need to be spoken,
Some beasts are best left unnamed,
But it doesn’t take much to read between the lines
Of our messages when we fantasized
About our lips, bodies, and hands intertwined.

In my dark moments of despair
You could still bring a smile to my face.
I recall, when I told you how much I hated me
You took it upon yourself to write out all the things you loved about me.
I tried to see myself through your adoring eyes
I read your letter countless times.

We burned bright and fast,
And at 16, I could never dream,
Of a world where you weren’t everything to me.
Now, our flame has long been extinguished
The pain of the end no longer stabs me
It’s just a dull memory meandering in my mind.

Your face is just something I see in passing,
But your birthday I still have memorized.
I still think of you when I hear the song that gave you your name,
and I remember what first love was again.

The feeling of never wanting to say goodbye,
But knowing some day you will.

as the first blood lasts

I sit beside you,
two sets of eyes glued to a splotched canvas before us.
I in the driver’s seat,
you in your captain’s chair.
I’m asking all these questions, but,
are you really there? I worry
when I look at you, and the
shock is painted on my face.
Others pass me under the moonlight and
tell me to leave this place.
They say, “you better get outta here, and get
while the getting is good.
This job will turn you inside out
and make you misunderstood.”

I sit beside you,
two sets of eyes glued to the canvas, as if it will restore us.
A cassette tape is forced through my brain,
the night’s events replayed.
My finger tap upon the glass,
and your hair is frayed.
Your figure in the captain’s chair,
with skin as cold as tin.
Which one of these got to your bones,
which one did you in?
Do you remember sights and sounds,
you wish you could forget?
Is that look upon your eye,
one of anger or regret?
Trauma is etched into your skin
like cracks on a weary canyon rock.
I need to know how you turned to you
if only you could talk.

I sit beside you.
Our eyes are glued to the splotched canvas, that which holds nothing
for us.

Ruby Red, Ruby Red
sweet voice in the cab,
slowly land as my fingers unfold;
freeing the steering wheel.
It’s like I’m in motion,
to catch the rainbow bird that beats its wings
to the song that you once had showed me.
Ruby Red, Ruby Red,
your smooth velvet lipstick
is pressed upon my wildest dreams,
and has painted me pink
.
Tender breath, sensual mist,
dancing upon heavy eyelids
warmed up and fluttering towards the sun,
that’s rising through my windshield.
Ruby Red, Ruby Red,
the city, it's called again.
I’ll tell you all about it,
if you visit me again.
Ruby Red, Ruby Red,
won’t you stay a little longer?
The show is better with you pulling the strings
upon my driftwood mind.
Ruby Red in my head,
you’re a sweet lost fabrication
placed at the center of my table
by the watching stars.
Ruby Red you’re in my head
You are the color of passion;
gone when the morning sun
breaks past the horizon.

Sometimes it burns,
The feeling of your heart when it’s hollow, when there is nothing.
It’s just wood, and it burns so easily.
It leaves you with nothing, just dried up pieces of what was there before.
It aches, and it can never be the same again, ever.
Do you know what it feels like to beg?
Do you know how it feels to be so completely desperate, you’d sell your soul?
You’d give up anything just for a touch.
It’s drugs, it’s flesh, it’s all heart.
That is how it feels, because I’ve felt it.
It damages the deepest, most vulnerable parts of who you are as a person.
It has the power to change you.
It has the power to mold you into something completely different from who you were, and what you started out as.
It changes you, and it is so easy, to.. just let it.
To form a person, as if they were clay it is so easy because I’ve let that happen and it hurts.
But to ache for something, to need it, to crave it.
That hurts too.

I hold the lighter
to light up her cigarette
and as I see her silhouette in de dark,
I wonder

can I also light up her life like that,
can I make it better
can I be a small, bright light.