My father of lust
Walking in sin like a plague.
Generation to generations,
Tasting different flavors of women as if they were like candy.
Lick one, bite one, crush another, **** another, wrap up your favorite
one back in that wrapper
to save for later.
Spreading your seeds without protection
across the nations,
populating the land like wildfire .

Papa is a freaky rollin’ stone.
An inheritance of your gift
being the middle child,
banking on hope I can even control these urges.
Self-discipline / Self-love of respect
for myself
by myself.
I’m just trying to navigate my way on the right path
yet, I find myself almost lost
falling in a pool pit of ****** tension

How much more challenging for black man, himself?

Just like my father,
Like father like son
Just like his sins
Like father like son
Just like just cause
Like father like son

I’m the man now trying to change

From my father I got,
Anger, Self doubt, a lonesome tiredness of people. No discrimination.
He taught me to question everything
Even when there are no answers
Even when the question itself was the answer
There is no better built in confidence in the universe, like that of a man in his 60s
Having lived a small but loud life.
Full of oppressors and zero self love. A proud life
My father doesn’t always understand why I follow the herd
Having always been the Sherpa, minding his business on top of his high mountain
He tells me to get higher paying jobs in one breath, and that I’m still a baby in another
From him, I’ve learned the value of hard work
And the basics of computer
And how to yell for no good reason
My father loves me dearly and I miss him so
If only he knew how to love himself better
Then maybe I’d miss him more

Looking on the past year,
I couldn't change a thing,
Throughout all the fights and arguments I would call here,
It also brought forth joy like a warm note on a nylon guitar string.

I saw my sons birth,
Where he held my finger in that operating room,
Where the strength of this newborn titan laid me low,
Tears of joy springing unburden to my eye,
Carrying me to a great height I never knew before.

I got to see him take his first steps,
Hear his first word,
And see all the other firsts along the way.

Every one worth the trials of life,
Working to support us,
Put myself through college,
Waking at 4,
Coming home at 8,
And sleeping at 12,
Working for 15.30,
And slogging hard for 2.

You were mad at my doggedness,
Angry at ignoring myself,
I know I waylaid my own needs too much,
Put too much on my own shoulders,
And sometimes I still do.

I promised you the world,
And I can like to think I can at least give you the parts of it you want.

Only now do I realize that the parts in question are not as big as I once thought.

The days go by so slowly, but the weeks fly right on by
Echoes of you everywhere, and all my heart knows is to cry
The emptiness without you is almost too much to bear
With a pain this intense, my best and only tool is prayer

It takes all that I have in the morning to just get out of bed
I keep thinking of all the regrets and other things not said
They say that time heals all wounds, but I do not think this one will
The world just keeps on spinning, when it feels like it should be still

Every night I go to sleep, thinking I will see you tomorrow
Then reality hits me when I awake, and I struggle with the sorrow
This was not supposed to happen, and certainly not this way
But if I were to see you again, what would I even say?

We stayed so distant because we both needed our own space
Yet all I feel are hurt and regret, now that you're in another place
Are you looking down on me, watching me from above?
If all I feel is grief, does that mean I feel your love?

I have so many questions, the main one being, "Why?"
Why did you have to leave us, and why could we not say goodbye?
Did you think that you were sparing me, to take away my begs and pleas?
I still want more time, and for us to make new memories

The house feels so empty now, without your presence around
I listen for your voice, and your heart in every sound
Can you come stay with us, and sit with me for a while?
I would do almost anything, if I could get to see you smile

These are the words that came to mind, and they don't feel like enough
But it is too hard to think that clearly when dealing with something this tough
I keep expecting you to come back, to say it was all just a scheme
That it was some secret plot, or even just a dream

You would walk up from your office and sit down in your seat
I would hug you tightly and just listen to your heart beat
I would yell at you for leaving us, and bury my head in your chest
You would say that you just needed time, because you were so stressed

But since that is not reality, no, just my wishful thinking
Instead I look to the night sky, and notice the stars that are twinkling
I will pick one of those, and choose to believe it is you
Because as much as I am hurting, I am sure you miss us too

So I will do my best to be a man, and soldier on without you
For no matter what anyone else may think, I will always talk about you
I will never stop hurting, this just means we had a lot of love
I cannot wait to embrace you, when we join you up above

Mom and I will be okay, you do not need to worry
The love of God is with us, the author of our story
For although this chapter hurts, and there are tear stains on the page
I will remember you in every sentence, and with the coming of every age

For to have had a father in this world, it truly was a blessing
You are no longer in pain; there is no more hurt or stressing
We may have had our differences, but I was lucky to call you dad
I see it all too clearly now: you were the best I could have had