When you stood back and let go, our love fell on me, and crushed, I lay there wondering if I could ever get back up. I didn’t want to leave our love as you did, it was too precious to be abandoned… but to you it was worth leaving, and I started to see that our love had just been mine the whole time… you held with your fingertips what I offered with my hands, both afraid we failed anything beautiful that could have been …

I was wondering along the cemetery my family is buried in.
My mom told my a few headstones down from my grandparents was a baby girl who died at one month and one day old. Named Rebecca. My heart stopped.
I thought of you.
My “freshman year of college” when we fell in love.
At the time we weren’t together, you loved Heather why should I have told you?
I was pregnant the first Christmas we faught, yelling in a target parking lot. I begged you to love me and you left me in the snow crying.
I wasn’t going to tell you.
At New Years you came to meet me- but it wasn’t me you wanted. You told me you loved me so you could **** me and leave me before midnight.
I remember kissing one of my best friends instead that night at midnight.
I told her that I thought I was pregnant. She kissed me and told me it would be okay.
I never got to meet you, I only got the greeting of your demise.
But I always felt you were a girl.
I was right with my instinct when I found out about your brother.
I just hope my little girl wherever you are, you are safe and happy. I asked Rebecca to stick around, I told her it’s okay if she wanted to follow me too.

If you want me to believe that you care,
You should've been there.
I thought that this could have been love,
Until you began to shove.
How could I have been so wrong?
How could I have thought we'd belong?
Goodbye now, I'm done being hurt,
I don't want to keep going and be alert.

Why is it that you sleep so soundly beside me while I lie awake feeling alone~

Your eyes met hers after having traveled distant countries and having seen different shores

'do you know her?' friends ask.

And you recall her once taking you to a parking lot under the moon to listen to music in the car.
You think of the time she decided to walk you to the shops in the budding storm.

You think of how odd she was,
How you have always been intrigued by it,
How much you loved her.

But she is a headfuck
and you wanted to get away before you could get messed up.
Before SHE could mess you up.

'used to' you tell them.

She used to flaunt around with whispers of whiffs of **** and cigarette smoke sunken into her sweaters and wavy locks.

When she left, he longed for the smell of what he once had, so he started hanging around the potheads and chainsmokers of the campus

But soon, he realized that it was not just the smell of scorched planty fibers that he longed for,

It was the smell of her without and before the addictions,
How sweet and sticky it was in the late summer nights,
How her breath toyed with the hairs of his neck.

But he mostly just missed the presence of another being that could make him realize he is

still here.
Still alive.
Still able to be.

years have passed
we have tried and failed
love and pain felt consecutively

arrogant and dismissive
self delusion throughout
two seperated puzzle pieces

You made me believe in love.
You showed me my worth.
You made my horizons move.
You inspired me to go forth.

Everything was well in the beginning -
i felt that all the puzzle pieces were complete.
I was assured that his back will never be turning,
and that his love for me won't deplete.

But just like a day - everything fades to black.
The sun rises and the sun sets.
Just like his love for me - every sweet words were taken back.
Every memories were stepped on just like used cigarettes.

But who can blame him?
Who can love someone like me?
A girl who still can't complete the harmony of the hymn,
a girl trapped in darkness and still misses a piece of her own puzzle.

I knew her in youth's folly;
The fumbling hands,
The tumbling wills,
The limbs entwined kind of peace;
The dinner glances,
The unbridled dances,
Commando skirts,
Deep knee squats,
What one thinks
But will not say.

I've screamed into an empty barrel,
Ran barefoot where I shouldn't,
Slid rusty things under my nails,
Touched my eyes with sharp sticks,
Ground my teeth with electric power,
Scorched my skin beneath the shower,
Turned informer on closest friends;
Drank turpentine and kerosene,
Mercury and gasoline,
Tore my skin, rend my entrails,
And other parts clearly unseen.
Include, if you wish,
An immortal soul.
My spirit, ****** as well.
Call the prayer, sound a bell.
That was heaven,
Now is hell.