I used to believe that people could be completely happy
But then my grandma died
And life happened
Then i started believing that no human could be completely happy
I dont believe its even possible
Humans can be happy
But humans will always disappoint
We always have these expectations and goals
And they cant always be reached
So we get dissapointed
So we as a species are just bound to disappoint
Over and over again whether we try to or not
We will never entirely fill each others goals and requirements
So we will never be entirely happy

For far too long
I've been comfortably numb
Walking to the cadence
Of someone else's drum

Expectations are piling up
And running me ragged
The edges are harsh, always broken,
And jagged

Creating many different wounds
That have no time to heal
I built walls around them all
And forgot how to feel

I lost my identity
Trying to become who everyone needed
All the while, killing my inner self
That faintly begged and pleaded

How do I reacquaint myself
With a person I never knew
Being OK with who and what lies ahead
And opening the door to something new

Leave me be.
Do not polish my skin.
I refuse my soul to be washed.
Let me be.

Leave me be.
Remove these old shackles,
Lose the key you thought controlled me.
Accept me.

My impurities
Are not yours to seize.
My humanity
Is not yours to define.

Did you really believe
I would willingly heed
To your selfish decrees?
No. So go, leave me be.

I wear this costume you
provide
And recite the script you
wrote.
I shove myself aside
to live in the shadows of
this person you created.
I live this lie daily.
With no breaks in character.
Have I pleased you yet?
Are you satisfied with
my performance?
Now that I've changed myself
for your enjoyment,
do you love me?
Because I'm *******
dying.

Don’t look back longingly,
To the youth that you once had,
You only remember the sunny bits,
Your mind has locked away all of the bad.

Have your dreams and chase rainbows,
If that’s what you want to do,
But enjoy the present, and look to the future ...
For that’s all that is waiting for you.

staring at
the hanging abyss--
a chandelier
of constellations,
made of
sparkling stars so
out of reach,

i wonder how
many times i
have tried and
failed to teach

myself on how
to never wish  
upon people's false
promises,

for expectations only
left me with bruised
broken heart, void
of love's lasting
traces.

the night
reinvigorates me

evening breath billows past my skirts
soft kisses on my ankles
pinpoints of
indigo-mauve-azure
behind whispering leaves
glass buttoned sleeves brush (clink)
against chain link fences

fast light cars

— bathe me in headlights | (not spotlights)