my heart is under
attack and i
am hanging by
a thread

i try to cope,
and now i
choke on words
i should regret

i set my boundaries,
and now i feel
imaginary

like an unfinished
painting, the brush
lays there just dripping
reds and blues

just looking for a
different palette,
a different hue,
to give me a clue

it’ll change for
the best

now my heart is
under arrest

and i know life
is full of surprises
and tests

the sun will rise,
and the clouds will
lift

i have to keep my
spirits up

open my eyes,
and hope i won’t
collapse—
but rise instead
under the stress

I silence myself.
I don’t want conflict.
tiny razor-blade cuts
every time I open my eyes
or my mouth.

walking on glass
for love.
I’m doing it
to myself.

careful
not to overconsume,
because you’re watching
my moves,
monitoring for a mistake
that ends in conflict.

It’s up to me
to isolate in my room,
to decide if I eat,
to change my perspective,
to see your face,
to open my door,
to speak the wrong words
and still show up
for family so hurt
they can't care.

It’s up to me,
to change something,
myself,
if that's what causes it.
anything
but silence myself
and hurt you more.

I want to help save you,
but I save myself
from the pain
of lying in bed at night,
wondering
how a good day
went so bad
everyday.

I can stand up for you,
and I don’t
when I’m “scared.”

it all falls on you,
and that makes me feel
unredeemable.

I’m letting you down.
you tell me,
“get a voice.”
you say I hold more power,
that I need to speak up for you.
that I get treated better.

but I still feel
small.
invisible,
even when I’m the one
who “has it better.”

how do I speak up for you
when you taught me
to fear conflict too?

misunderstood themes
haunting my mind
like I’m serving a life sentence.

you say you could move away.
you’ve said it
more than once.

sometimes I think
maybe I should,
like you said.
and never talk
to anyone again.

I’m scared to leave with you,
because it could repeat.
but if that happens,
it’s up to me.

I’m sick to leave without you.
selfishness erodes this family,
disgracing what it used to be.

after all you did for me,
I can’t leave
without you.

you say you keep it real.
I agree.
thank you.
now I’m going numb
like you.

you say
I’m watching you self-destruct,
push and clear off the tables,
slam dishes,
throw food.

fifteen years have gone by,
and I’m afraid.
it got worse.
I'm not helping.

and if I’m there,
I’m worried
I won’t support you right.
that I’ll add stress
you don’t deserve.

stress you’ve carried
for years.
stress I am still
ignorant to.

you say,
"you think you feel stressed?
tell me about it."

I'll be the icing on your cake
on a bad day,
and you'll say,
"I'll make you feel
how you made me felt."

I’m codependent on you.
you’re like my parent.

and I replay
every time I disrespected you.
every word
I shouldn’t have said.
you still remind me,
because you are reminded.

you say nobody helps you.
I believe it.

I know
you want to die too.
so how
can I say
you hurt me

when I,
and everyone else,
have hurt you worse?

you say I’m the cause.
then, other times,
I’m not.

that I don’t do enough.
that I have power,
but don’t use it
right.

so please,
live my life for me.
or let me
take my own.

I need
a reason
to stay trying,
and to stop blaming you.

something more
and less pathetic
than living
for everyone else.

Would you please excuse my grammar —
I'm only trying to caption my heart
like an Instagramer; chasing moments
that vanish in an instant matter.

When and where you eventually find
yourself —no other place will really matter.
We are fragile as glass, fingers made of dreams
swiping the screen, touching reflections that
almost feel too real.

But I’ll never be younger than the day
all my dreams began. Still, I stay punctual —
marking time in commas, pausing in semicolons,
leaving ellipses for the stories I wasn’t ready to tell.

Question marks kept me up at night; exclamation
marks made me bold enough to try. And the older
version of me scrolling through this feed of years,
may have the joy of ending it all with a single,
quiet full stop.

We can’t go back to the beginning.
If we had known the ending,
would we still be on this road?

But I understand —
you want to know what it’s like
to be far from home,
why I can’t sleep at night.

I understand.

You want to know
why I always order the same drink twice
at that bar on the corner.

I understand.

You want to know
what it’s like to stand
on the wrong side of the history.
And honestly,
there comes a moment
when you get used to it,
and it starts to feel right.

It’s okay.
I’m okay now.

But I appreciate the concern —
keep digging,
keep asking about my life,
and one day
you’ll know about me.

i'm a yearner by profession
wanting, requiring, praying and pleading,
all in silence, while acting nonchalant,
'cause it's the new language in the book of expression.

and who wrote it, i wonder?
where did the raw vulnerability go?
why hide in the shadows
while all you wish to sow
is seeds of needing—
a presence, someone to listen?

"you cursed it, didn't you?"
but the irony is, i did not.
i have never.
and perhaps people do admit
what they mean when they're angrier,
but what of those who simply don't know any other means?
anger speaks, frustration cowers, feelings undeter,
and suddenly it's all in the plain sight.
but i don't mean when i say it—
and it's on accident if you hear me.

don't call me a curse.
i do not hex.
i bleed in violet
with every scratch
that blooms on my skin,
birthed accidentally or meant to exist within.
hollowed out a perfect doll,
tried my best—been twenty years and i'm yet to be put to rest.
nine, since it got harder.
was i made this way,
or did they carve me out the wrong mold?

called me cursed, she said so.
admitted saying, i thought so.
did i really? i wondered.
never meant to—was it in the moment,
or just mere anger?

i didn't, i promised.
but it hurt, if i'm being honest.

so once again, i went to what comforted.
picked up the roses, crushed them with purpose.
the thorns bleed—they pinched and pierced.
i bled in violet, with no regret or fears.

the thunder resembled, like a biography almost.
it spoke, said—i'm here. take me whole.
i copied, painted, let it take over—let it rake over.
it gathered, brought upon all that remained
from the very corners, every single ounce of wind.
and then it regained—some power, waited,
gathered up all the hatred, turned it into lightning,
and i bled—
against the skies, down the fields, through the streets,
over every single one—drenched poor souls,
unknown it was my thunder that they entertained.
blade-like sharp, violet like bruises,
the nights covered me in a blanket,
the mornings brought up more such poses.

silence sits
like a mannequin
in every corner.
voices arise, aiming to take the pedestal.
in the very center,
there's no one to guard
or stop them from becoming.
they play me symphonies—
the first says, congratulations on your undoing.

but what fault do i pay for?
is it being unforgivably myself?
perhaps i was meant to mask—
playing the same game like others.
bare-faced wasn't really the best disguise.

i cut out metaphors from my skin,
built them up, needed muscles—
so i raked within.
the best of them all—
my heart, put forward.
forgot the body won't function
without its dull weight.

it's been there, beating,
doing what it ought to do scientifically,
but in terms of being human,
it sits like it's been dead.
sometimes i hold my hand over my chest
just to feel—do i exist?
am i in the mind, do i continue to persist?

funny, the trick they say—
5 things you can see,
4 you can touch,
3 you can hear,
2 you can smell,
1 you can taste.
i've tried it all—
but that's my big mistake.

should have surrendered when i still had the time.
but it isn't anything new.
regrets are a constant part of life—
of most, actually. they all do.
perhaps they don't think
or look at life, having to wonder
what will come through.

when you ought to blame,
repeat what they did.
unfortunate as it is,
you'll have to face the same.

curse, i may not be,
but i've etched the words to my skin
with razor-sharp needles,
and they bleed in violet.
there's cuts made out of shards—
all the mirrors i've thrown,
broken through the walls.
i fill up a glass full of the bearings
for nothing but purpose:
to get close, to push far away,
gather the mess, save the day.

i bring it up,
have a taste.
it isn't sweet,
isn't bitter,
isn't even fake.

too real—
it smells like dark cocoa.
the right taste buds,
and suddenly i've got a violet tongue.

i shall close my eyes,
breathe in, as i hear it on loop:
call me anything you want.
what signifies is what comes true.

you're at fault.
i'm merely the one facing.
i bleed in velvet—but term it violet,
'cause that's the shade they slither
under my skin, all that i've heard,
crawling within—
like worms almost,
creepy, looking for the weakest spots.
and when they find, they reside, curl up
and take a bite—feels like a pinch,
like a syringe deep in my vein.
and they ****, they pull,
and no pressure can stop the punctured wounds,
so i bleed anyway.

it tastes like when pain meets with happy—
both fight for dominance.
comfort enters, so does wondering,
the second-thoughts, words and glances,
and suddenly it's a nocturnal nightmare.

electric, perhaps—
for i get seizures like shock.
the drink too heavy,
the feelings ****** all
the marrow of my life, made me fragile.
do not bother, the label reads.
cursed, i write over it.
and perhaps i've believed
and accepted.
if that is the case,
might as well make it look sacred.

so i offer you
the wine of the cursed—
violet shade, i could call it,
the violet suburban.
and this is me trying,
running out of fuel, of words to bleed.
so it's all been real, all this while—
and since i offered,
cursed as it might be,
i hope you like the drink.

Sigh! It comes like a train — an express line through
my thoughts, no stops, no warnings. Oh how
DEPRESSION clips at my heels, familiar as shadow,
unwelcome as memory. Defeated — like sunlight
pressed to branches too burdened to bloom. My heart
hangs in moss — heavy, strangled in the green silence
of old grief.

Tears lean like leafless trees, bowed in all directions,
yet rooted in a place with no direction — a forest dying
quietly, where even the familiar trails feel like ghost
roads I no longer recognize.

I feel short of worth — like coins counted in silence,
never enough to buy the currency of being loved.
I glow in daylight, but dusk takes its due —
and now I dim with every breath.

I try to speak, but end up forcing books down my throat,
pages crammed with words I never learned to say.
But you’ll never see me cry in public — I’m an island
left off every map, burying bottle messages even
I won’t recover.

I have so much hopeful words for others, but I’m
a stack of unread stories to myself; a pen that dries
before I can name the ache.

And somewhere inside —I find a red box with hidden
compartments, each one meant to hold something sacred.
But they echo when I open them — soft, hollow
reminders that even my soul has forgotten how
to fill its space.

Two wild tales to tell — there are two stray dogs chasing
pedestrians again. That’s the story they’re telling the authorities.
Meanwhile, on a sunnier day, a ledger’s pages yellow daily —
all outlasting the smoke of all the fires you swore were for your
own good. Cigarette-stained fingers; noir pages of a crime scene
unnoticed — that’s what it feels like, loving someone who’s
stopped seeing you as their focus. Funny, isn’t it? They stole
your heart but make you feel like a thief, for stealing all of their
time. They claimed they needed space, but weren’t they the ones
who first called you, their star?

The mirror in your bathroom is cracked; you can’t wash
it with your tears. But hasn’t the bathwater been quietly
counting them all?
____________

Now, there’s finance to be contemplated — those complicated
relationships, where compromise is contemplated, but then
quietly makes things complicated. But let someone hand me
a sans discussion —they’ll only subtract the font of my love
language, erasing the letters of my love before I’ve spelt them
out. To say we don’t talk like we used to. But truthfully?
We never spoke that deeply at all. As a lot of people still
drown in their shallow thoughts.

woke up  
on tuesday morning,  

one foot  
in front of the other.  

no rush,  
no hurry—  

just me,  
blue and under  
the weather.  

i used to find  
sunshine  
in so many places,  

but i lost  
the best  
i’ve ever had—  

and now,  
the sun feels  
a little colder
now.

i wonder  
whether  
it gets better.  

i used to be  
a goal-getter.  
now i’m in overdrive,  

short-term PTSD—  
nerves wrecked,  
spirit stretched.  

so many days  
crying,  
wondering if  
this ever ends—  

’cause i’m tired  
of living  
a bittersweet story,  

and tired  
of being  
down bad.  

you were  
the best—  

the best  
i’ve ever had.