i turn each page
of the book
with anticipation

anticipating if
the princess gets
the prince?

if the hero
gets to save the day
yet again

if the ugly duckling
became the beautiful
swan it was meant
to be

but instead
when i turned the page
of this book
i have

i realized
the lost girl
didnt get to find who
she was

the lost girl
didnt get
to see the light

and now she was
a broken wing
broken beyond
repair

and that lost
girl
was me

i lost myself
and i had no
chance
to see the light

because i was
already
drowning

and was too far
gone
to be saved

This ocean no longer holds me.. These waters no longer keep me afloat.
I tremble at the reality I've avoided
Delusion never was the solution, yet I seemed to resort to it frequently
These waters, I knew, would someday swallow me whole
And I trembled in the fear of the unknown, the mystery of what lies beneath and within
The darkness
The depth
I did not wish to drown
But I yearned terribly to be hugged by the warmth...
The surface only ever enveloped me with its bitter feel of coldness
Why are you not warm?
Why must I drown to feel the comfort within you?
Why must I suffocate?
I yearn
I long
I tremble
Suffocating
Drowning
And there is no way to escape the entanglement that is you
There is no way to break through the bewitchment that you have inflicted
This ocean is no home to me
These waters were never meant to keep me afloat yet I did not hesitate to dive into you... to get lost in you, with you, and for you
I did not hesitate
And you reciprocated by the same amount of bravery
You hesitated not at sending me the wrath of your hallow
You hesitated not to leave me stranded on your most frightening nights
Isolating me…

Scared of the silence that presses
Clinging to you like my too tight fitting jeans
Suffocation isn't a possibility
It's a reality
Left gasping and grasping for air that will never come back
Trying to speak the truth
But the language has abandoned me
I'm not writing
I am thinking
Trying to think away the silence
I am drowning

Have you ever almost drowned?

When I was a 4” 6 year old, I tried to go in the 5” side of the pool. Mind you, I couldn't swim. I held on to the side of the pool until I decided it'd be best to push myself away from the edge.
I immediately began drowning.
It was terrifying at first. I quickly started flailing my arms, trying to get myself back to the edge. Why did it seem so far away all of a sudden?
My lungs gasped for air but were met with water, not exactly the next best thing. Let me tell you, breathing in water hurts like a b*tch.
At some point, it stopped hurting though. I don't know if I was close to unconsciousness or if I just accepted my fate for a couple of seconds but after that burning feeling, I felt a moment of bliss.
That was until I touched the bottom of the pool with my feet and my survival instincts kicked in as I pushed myself up to the surface and back to the edge.

I never forgot that feeling of breathing in water.

In class yesterday, I went to answer a question but I couldn't.
My best friend and I got in a fight and I couldn't find it in me to defend myself.
My dog whines and begs for me to do something with him. Anything but sit there.
These moments seem random but they all have one thing in common.
Every single moment was a time when I felt that feeling of breathing water when there was no water in sight. Each time, worse than the last. Each time, the floor is farther and farther away.

Have you ever almost drowned?
It happens to me every single day.

If I sit still
I drown
If I move
I drown faster
You could pull me out
If only you weren't
The quicksand

under a blood red moon
the sea is calling
screaming, roaring,
for me to drown

to run into the cruel dark waves
let them overcome me
flush through my insides
and I won't fight, I'll
lose the war willingly
surrender to the deep black sea

ice-cold and merciless
a soul-crushing mistress
devastating, relentless
it almost feels like loving
her

you shove my face
into a shallow abyss
and tell me to find
the deeper meaning

As I wade through these waters,
Cold, damp and up to my knees;
Looking forward to my next step,
Rolling up my sleeve;

When upon a sudden depth,
I plunge...
Deeper into my blackened sea;
Unable to swim
Dropping to one knee;
Wounded by my needle,
I BLEED...

Feeling,
as if only moments from my last breath,
I cough with relief.
Trapped in a vortex,
As the swirling waves engulf me...

Vision blurs,
As I last dry heave;
My chest begins to seize...
Unable to swim;
As I reach my reality.
Wounded by the needle ,
I BLEED...

some people say depression is like drowning
but for me you see it’s like floating
i just wish i could float away
and be gone