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Ivan 1d
note:
I wrote this about a decade ago and things are very different now.  This was published, but I had to write this note prior to the poem:

______

I’m a divorced parent that is currently having hardships in seeing my children. Because I see them so seldom, I frequently reminisce about them and although it’s sweet remembering them, it hurts my soul as I’m very close to them. This is my representation of the pain that comes with their faces as reminisce. If you’ve ever missed your children, I guarantee you will relate.

SEE YOU IN FIVE

It’s another sleepless night and I reminisce. The window to misery starts to creak open, slowly widening… the window promises my disintegration with torturous flashes of their faces… flashes that lash at me from the past.

A slave to my own mind, the slash comes, far reaching spiked tentacles smash against my back as I see their faces. I am a slave. I must obey. Make another mark upon my back, front and do as you will. I am your slave and I obey.  There is nothing I can do except to die as I disintegrate into their essence. The window wider yet, my tormentor at his full glory stands in front and I obey. I am a slave to my mind and I obey.

Who is it today? It’s my Son and I am a slave to his love. I miss you soo much Mijo. Hit me your hardest! Take that strap as I am yours. Take it both hands, it’s easy….I’ll show you Mijo. Yes, there…that’s how you whip daddy.  I am your slave and I want the sweet torture. You’re good!
Yes! I remember that day at the park…I held you in my arms… you were so small, bright blues radiating with your love. Oh!! That was a good whip! It grounded me…there, I’m dissolving into you. I am your slave. Yes I’ll always give you my best smile! Keep at it… I’m disintegrating now…that’s my boy! Soo strong with your love! You smiled at me that day in the park and it was the best present any Dad could have. Yes, it’s bleeding but it’s nothing. No.  It doesn’t hurt. I wanna see your face again. Please, torture me with your whip. Use all your might! Swing that arm back…swing hard! Thank you. I’ll always be here ready to be your slave…you own me even if I may have nothing but misery, I am yours to do as you wish.

Every night I am your slave and I’ll be here ready for that arm! Thank you for visiting. Of course I love you too! Say hi to Mom and Maddie. See you tomorrow…..wait… I’ll be up the next 4 days, so I’ll see you in five…
this poem is from a while back.... almost a decade, but it's one of my first writes when I started writing poetry.  So... it really was this dramatic for me back then.  anyhow, I hope you enjoyed.
I need truth & light,
not lies & fights.
Emotional security,
not shame &  anxiety.
I need love that’s true.
Sometimes ‘Hello Me’
is pronounced ‘Goodbye You.’

Not every promise is golden.
Sometimes, vows need to be broken.
Leaving was brave,
given how you behaved.
Not every ending is unhappy.
Sometimes ‘Goodbye You’
means ‘Hello Me.’

I’d rather be single
than a married martyr.
I’d rather laugh & mingle
than keep on trying harder.
I need something new.
Sometimes ‘Hello Me’
is pronounced ‘Goodbye You.’

I choose my mental health
over double-income wealth
Wellness over weakness,
happiness over secrets,
freedom over familiarity.
Sometimes ‘Goodbye You’
means ‘Hello Me.’

© 2025 Joan Zaruba. All rights reserved.
I played around with the order of these stanzas a lot before finally settling on this order.  I also debated the title.  At first I called it "Sometimes" but I worried it weakened the declarations of self-discovery within the poem.  Does the flow work for you as a reader? How about the title?
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BRING BACK LOST LOVERS LOST LOVE SPELLS MAGIC RING TRADITIONAL HERBALIST HEALERS CAPE TOWN JOHANNESBURG HARARE EAST LONDON PORT ELIZABETH DUBAI GABORONE UK GEORGE
Your family hates me for leaving you
They don’t know
I would have died had I stayed
Even a cactus can die of thirst

© 2025 Joan Zaruba. All rights reserved.
These lines came to me this morning while grieving the loss of ex-family.  Despite the pain of being misunderstood by those who used to call my daughter and sister, I have no regrets about choosing my wellbeing over martyrdom.
minx Apr 30
on nights i feel like i might die
i hear the click of her heels bound in rhinestones
that once glimmered in the sunlight
burning through the kaleidoscope of the stained glass
as wedding bells rung through the cathedral.

the ink is now smudged
from the love letter you left.
roses don’t live forever.
the air is rich with the sour scent
of the dark decay from the flowers



RYAN’S iNTERLUDE

YOU MEANT NOTHiNG TO ME.
THE YEARS WE SPENT TOGETHER
ARE NOW TWiSTED iN YOUR NAiVE MiND AS YOUR MiSTAKE.
YOU RUiNED THiS FAMiLY.

MY KiSS GOODNiGHT
NOW STAiNS YOUR SOFT SKiN
YOU KNEW i NEVER WANTED TO BE YOUR FATHER
BUT MAYBE iT’S BECAUSE i DiDN’T WANT TO CALL YOU MY DAUGHTER.

i’D HOPED YOU HEARD THE DEGRADiNG WORDS i WHiSPERED.
i HOPED THAT YOU’D BLAME iT ON YOURSELF
SO iT COULD FiNALLY TAKE THE WEiGHT
OF AN AFFAiR OFF OF MY BACK.



i did what you asked and lay the table with the extravagant silverware
our dinners that used to be filled with warm chatter
and lighthearted banter between ‘father’ and ‘daughter’
now start and end with the same sullen eyes of mine
and your head low with heavy breaths.

things will never be the same.
once i slammed the doors,
i never returned the key
the bronze brass that jingles on my chain
knows it won’t ever be used again– because i can’t go back there.

sometimes i think i can run back
to receive solace from the empty rooms
and the echo of the wooden floors
the cold marble counters you pressed me against
late at night when you whispered you loved me.
thanks, ryan !! thanks for marrying my mother and treating her like dogshit ! thanks for manipulating me and degrading me ! much much *much* appreciated ! yeah, really ! yeah-- cause it was sooo necessary !
rick Apr 24
pick one out of billions
and stick to it
like spider bait
in the spider web

although you never know
when you’re caught
until it’s too late
and you’re in
too deep

the heart fills
with betrayal
and deception
or worse
the heart fills
with truth
when our beliefs
are based on lies

it’s hard to comprehend
and/or overcome

the ego gets scratched
or the connection
gets snipped

and finally,
a plumage of misconceptions
is what we’re deduced to:

that something is lost
that something has failed

but when the perspective
is turned upside down
and the lens adjusts itself

it reveals that something
is gained and/or returned

and this time
with a fresh start,
a new beginning,
a better outlook

maybe a lesson can be learned?
maybe a mistake can be avoided
by it’s reoccurrence?

maybe?

but listen,
I’m no love guru,
couples therapist,
marriage counselor
or divorce attorney

I can only guarantee that
there is another pair of
sweaty meat sacks
encased in decaying flesh
waiting for you
somewhere out there,
aching to ruin your life
all over again.
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You were ravaging me                                                               ­                                                                 ­                                            
Tearing my soul apart                                                            ­                                                                 ­                                                           
                                                                ­                                                    
Why can't you let me be                                                               ­                                                                 ­                                              
                                                                ­                                                  
Leave what's left of my heart                                                            ­                                      
                          ­                                                                 ­                             
                                                                                                                      
I feel like I can't breathe                                                          ­                              
                                                                ­                                                    
Your hatred is all around                                                           ­                                               
                                                                ­                                              
Making you too blind to see                                                              ­                                                                 ­                                       
                                                                ­                                                      
You have lost what you found                                                            ­                
                                                ­                                                              
Wipe that smirk off your face                                                             ­                 
                                               ­                                                                 ­  
You're not as smart as you think                                                            ­          
                                                      ­                                                                
I am leather not lace                                                             ­                                                                 ­                                            
                                                                ­                                                  
  My heart black, was once pink                                                             ­                                               
                                                                ­                                             
 When I let myself feel                                                             ­                   
                                                                ­                                                      
I lost all control                                                          ­                                                    
                                                                ­                                                
Now my wounds are healing                                                          ­                                        
                        ­                                                                 ­                             
I am reclaiming my soul                                                             ­                                                                 ­                                        
                                                                ­                                                      
I am walking away                                                             ­                                           
                                                                ­                                        
Thinking only of me                                                               ­                                           
                                                                ­                                                      
I don't care what you say                                                              ­                
                                                ­                                                                 ­                This is the end of "we"
Trying to survive a tumultuous relationship
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