I can barely remember the last time I felt seen by a man.
Truly seen for what I was.
Passed the partying.
Passed the thirst traps.
Passed my naked body.

I carry a depth you can't see from the surface.
I carry pain you can never quite grasp.
I carry emotions with such passion,
Love is one to name.
I carry many parts of me hidden behind a self-constructed ivory tower.
But you saw it.

Briefly.

I had never felt so exposed,
But I reveled in it.
You were everything I thought I would never find,
But you were never mine.
Just a glimmer of hope.

It's been a while since Love came to call,
O, to hear its footsteps just once more!
So I've asked the moon to shine brighter
On the pathway leading to my door

But the moon told me Love needs no light --
Down the darkest paths it finds its way,
For Love itself is the light that guides
Wandering feet that at times tend to stray

O, sagacious moon, you've earned your crown!
Guardian of the melancholy hour;
Can you tell me why Love hesitates
To unchain me from this lonely tower?  

Has my heart been deemed an unfit host?
Absurd! Warmth and tenderness abound!
Chambers exude tolerance and peace . . .
Where might a more perfect nest be found?

An old weeping willow keeps its watch,
Straining to hear Love's knock at my door;
And it weeps with me throughout the day --
But when night falls, I cry so much more

No birds violate the evening's calm --
They've no reason to burst forth in song;
Filled with pity, they hear my laments,
Chiding Love for tarrying too long

I draw comfort now from memories,
Memories that time cannot erase;
But Hope's candle flaunts a radiant flame,
Just in case Love's listening  . . .  just in case

How I dread these intruders of the night ---
The restless ghosts of Love's extinguished light;
Knowing I'm alone (by Fate's cruel decree)
Here come the memories of you and me . . .

They start taunting me when no one's around --
Those lonely hours when by anguish I'm bound;
But is that not the task of memories --
To torture the mind and create unease?

They take delight in breaking down the door
To a painful past I'd rather ignore,
Reviving blissful hours of fantasy,
Like that summer night you whispered to me:

"I'll lay a blanket on the starlit sea,
And we'll drift away . . . just you and me."
Such ill-fated dreams, dressed in joyous disguise --
So hard to recall without tear-filled eyes

Most times these memories come without warning . . .
But time enough for tears in the morning.
It's time to sleep, so I'll turn out the light.
(Knowing my luck I'll dream of you tonight)

And tomorrow there'll be clouds to chase away
As I struggle to make it through the day.
How I wish Time would purge my memory . . .
Erasing all traces of you and me

Again before an emptiness of soul, where all is fears.
Awake but mind devoid of light or any new ideas.
Crushing feeling of loneliness permeates the very air.
Every action taken or ignored devoid of simple care.

How did I become this decayed and empty thing?
Thinking daily upon miseries, so often days before did bring.
Distant, faded memory of the moments that made a smile.
So fleetingly they went to allow despair room all this while.

Worth? A sense of purpose long deserted, gone and fled.
Only a loathing and a pointlessness is left to fill my head.
Long days before today and for others still yet to come,
Without reason to be, certain only eventually I will succumb.

Like coats of paint upon a wall each day another layer smears.
No smiles, no joy, no hope just a face soddened by my tears.
Ever present darkness, shrouds of dark veils upon me, drape.
Calling increasing loudly that there is only one true escape.

there is no love;
only contempt.
there is no paradise;
only purgatory.
there is no ecstasy;
only sorrow.
there is no solace;
only agony.
there is no hope;
only melancholy.

here, there is nothing;
only decay.

i am a sickness with no cure.

I dreamed tears were flowing from my heart's core,
And my head was bowed low in prayer,
An angel appeared, saying "Weep no more,
Come and find relief from your despair."
Smiling, he pointed to a golden door . .
So I entered,  but no one was there

Then I found myself seated 'neath a tree
Staring up at a cloud-filled sky;
I pondered mankind's state of misery,
And I couldn't help but question "Why?"
And that angel just stood there silently,
With an expression that made me cry

As if this were not enough pain to bear,
I found myself on paths well trod --
One marked Loneliness, the other Despair,
While Fate scowled with an approving nod;
(Better to blame Fate than unanswered prayer
And all the failed responses from God)

Attempting to wake myself from this dream,
From my lips there escaped a moan.
Then the angel said "Praised be the Supreme,
To whom all man's miseries are known"
And all heaven bowed (which seemed quite extreme
Since no one was seated on the throne)

As in most dreams nothing was making sense ---
Prayers drifting on a murky stream,
Frustration and doubt growing more intense.
"Lord, show thyself," I cried with a scream.
But the angel warned "Seek no evidence!"
And I realized  . . .  this was no dream