Another Saturday evening that I wish I could leave my house and spend time around others
who have crafted intricate masks to hide their hurting, but my mask is crumbling
because it has been worn too much lately, so tonight will be spent
curled up in bed.

I can't escape the storm of thoughts and emotions and desires
and expectations and memories and songs and nightmares and
E V E R Y T H I N G
swirling through my head.

The pain swells in my chest, bubbling up but unable to break out
because these demons refuse to let me assign words to them as I try to cry out for help -
so I stop trying and I lie down to let the burden rest on my heart,
heavy like lead.

My attempts to break out of this funk are futile
(this monster knows me worlds better than those who wish good upon me)
and the harder I chase after hope the more
I am filled with dread.

Sometimes it feels like I've gathered together the shreds of my existence
and made great progress in patching together the pieces with the meager tools I've found,
but my tools are coarse and jagged; they leave behind a
blossoming trail of red.

While I labor so diligently to create beauty wherever I wander,
the shadows laugh at my sorry attempts of pursuing happiness when they know full well
that in order to demolish my collection of mismatched tatters all they must do is
keep pulling at the thread.

All I desire is to reach out and connect with others who are more experienced than I
in travelling the road of misery, but have learned to look up and focus on the bright beams of light that break through the clouds instead of letting the rocky path
rip them to shreds.

One time I found another that was hurting deeply, just like me. I wanted to know how he sang of light and peace while at the same time housing those demons within his soul. I tried to learn by befriending him, but my presence was too much. This isn't just my mind playing tricks on me.
I am clingy; it's what he said.

Her lips muttered to find the right words to describe the rawness of pleasure she felt when he caressed her body with his lips.
He no longer could hear the world around him except for the soft moans and her long breathes on his neck as he found his way into her.
Their desires lit the fire inside them burning every inch of their naked skin with lust.

I’ve never seen the Eiffel Tower, or run with the bulls in Spain.
I’ve never skied upon the Alps, or guided a sleigh across fine snow.
I’ve never had a drink, a laugh, a walk along the Seine.
I’ve never been the starring actor in a Broadway show.
I’ve never seen the pyramids, or the sun eclipsed by moon.
I’ve never journeyed to the Arctic North and saved a baby seal.
I’ve never had a picnic tryst on a sunny field in June.
I’ve never been the stalwart captain steadfast at the wheel.
I’ve never seen the Grand Canyon, or “The River” of Monet.
I’ve never driven coast to coast to discover my ol’ country.
I’ve never ridden the white horse as the knight who saves the day.
I’ve never been the leader of a great municipality.
I've never seen Pisa’s tower, or Hawaii’s volcanic fires.
I’ve never judged the aroma, fragrance, bouquet of a fine wine.
And I’ll never have to fulfill a single one of these desires
If you’ll ever whisper softly that you will, at last, be mine.

if you're heart is half in two  
i'd rubbed you with rose mary, so
the pain comes to end
and loves me again

i'd bathed you in lavender
into your deepest core
sun comes out
to warm your heart

if you are the moon
picked through my room
i'd keep my door wide open
as your rays warm up my cold veins

as the day wakes up
i put my lips on yours
let our hearts freefall
and savour ecstatic blow

if you're an unspoken poetry
i'd penned lines about you day to day  
as you lie down next to me
i read them to you with gay

If you're infinity
and death is a staircase to you
I'd take with all the risks
just to be one with you

As I sit here in the dark,
It’s so silent…
But, at the same time, it really isn’t.

What exactly is silence when there is always n o i s e?
Of our minds
SCREAMING…yelling…constantly talking…
Verbally, mentally, and silently vocalizing the numerous, duplicitous details of our waking lives.

The mind never stops. Never shuts up.
And as much as I’d like it to, I can’t make it
As long as the body goes,
the mind reveals,
it revels, in the subconscious awareness of our obliviousness.

Is anything a surprise...
Or, do we always know?
But then again, what exactly is “knowing”?
When with one word, one action, one choice…
It can all be so different.
New. Changed. Non-existent.
And once again, we are left in the Unknown…(1 step forward – 2 steps backwards).
All the while, wandering ….wondering
Constantly searching for answers…
Seeking relief from the never ending “what ifs”,
the heart-piercing, perpetual mental lists of  “I should haves…”

There was a time when I questioned it all….
Repeatedly. Tortuously…to no avail it seemed
Until I somehow managed to create a world….
Founded on doubt, confusion, unfamiliarity, and F E A R.

It all began in my head. Simple enough..
That’s where it all begins, right?
This world throws all types of things at us to distract us…
To deceive us, to desensitize and dehumanize us.
To slowly, but surely, annihilate any bit of the God-given life that was once inside of us…
the original covenant of everlasting life, knowledge, and the desires of our heart.

Money.
Fame.
***.
Status.
Drugs.
Love.

It’s whatever is your particular fancy of ammunition…

You see, that’s the thing…
They let us choose.
….So we think..
Some call it Free Will, some call it Destiny…
or some simply call it, “Living Life”

They tell us we NEED this and we need to look like THAT.
So there we go, on a blind, circuitous pursuit to become something that never existed…
Til we are so completely absorbed in this twisted, delusional mirage of Life

… til it’s as if we, ourselves, never existed.
And the crazy thing is… some people never WAKE UP.

Yes, I said wake up.
As in realize that NONE of this is real.
Yet, it is merely the fictitious illustrations of the repetitious reels of our corrupted minds….
Our perverse and evil hearts.

which are both constantly evolving…steadily revolving.
Tainted by the high and forever-rising demands of this world…
Social media,
Music,
The arts.
Sports.
Friends….
and even family…

Little do we know, we are everyday loading the gun of “self-hatred”
….Filling it with little shiny bullets disguised as likes…views...followers.

Lighting the match and igniting the deadly and all consuming flames of “pride, bigotry, and greed”
Mine, mine, mine….
Destroying anything, or anybody, that tries to extinguish and destroy…

Holding, polishing, and aiming the two-edged knife of “insecurity, disloyalty, and ulterior motives.
Piercing the side of those we love.

When will this battle end?
When will the power of love, overcome the love of power?
They say that then we will know peace…
But to have peace, we have to have calamity…agitation…war.

Oh, the beauty of contradictions…

So far apart on the spectrum of life
Yet so strikingly similar.
Ying and Yang.

It’s a matter of life and death…
The absence of one creates the presence of the other.
and, the presence of the other, exemplifies the absence of the one.

And we know this…
Yet, we still choose to be destructive.
Why is it so much easier, seemingly, to do wrong than right?
Will the world ever know…?
So, with this paradoxical world we live in, how do we find stability?

Some find solace in drugs…
Some in love…
However, some find religion.
No scratch that – A RELATIONSHIP
…with a higher power …
One who is omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent.
One who can guide our footsteps,
Eliminate all of the outside deceiving thoughts of “what if…” and “why’s”
“trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding…”
That’s what the Word says, right?

…one who can give us stability of our mind and the desires of our heart.
Jeremiah 33:3 says, “call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and mighty things you do not know”

Sounds too good to be true, huh?
But so does, relief and recovery sold to you in a pill bottle from an institution set up to control…
The populations and masses…
The circulation of currency.
The separation of powers.

So, at the end of the day….it’s up to you whether or not you continue sleeping..
Continue wandering
and wondering,
Continue living this deceptive life created and composed by Those People..

Or you can choose to believe…
To have faith in something, someone….
Whatever it may be…
But, the choice is on you.
…or is it?