Shadows of grumpy old MANisms
run through my channels
flooding my fjords
overrunning my shorelines
and scaring the kiddies
the schoolmarms
the chaff and the raff
   The kisses of clouds
upon my four bared cheeks
as I fall to the Earth again
explore the memories
that we shared together
while cloaked in mist
   The gray twilight shades and tones
take over like gentle music notes
soothing away the agitation and the
frustration of an aging mind
that I myself would run from
if I were still able

   Every day
your memory gets farther away
and so does the toilet

Deep lines, silky skin and unforgiving wrinkles
Silver hairs and vacant, jaded eyes
An empty smile, detached from authentic emotion
“Take care of yourself” you always said.
Take care of yourself, Grandma.

Incomprehensible words and disorientation
Terrorized by the slightest movement
Withdrawn from conversation
And difficulty recognizing relationships
It’s me, Grandma, it’s me.

You sit beside me, eyes wide and body alert
You’re right here but the distance is undeniable
Look into my eyes, don’t you remember?
These are your eyes, the ones you gave to Mama,
The ones she gave to me.

Emptiness behind those chestnut eyes
You abandoned me here, while I stare into them
Your body present but your mind absent
A separation of the soul and the being
I can’t let you go, Grandma, you’re right beside me.

But you aren’t my grandma, are you?
No--You are unaware of who I am
And I don’t know who you are.

Dementia, dementia, disappear.
Bring me back my grandma.

Who are you,
and why have you come?
you, yes you
postured
firm and intent
in those grass roots
and tie-dye...
are you listening?
don’t you know
these sterile walls
and linoleum floors
aren't safe
for anyone?

You really do
look familiar...
did you come
from the farm,
or way down south?
either way
I've nothing
to give
they took it all
at the induction...
left me standing here
with nothing but
a cold green frock...
do you think
it’s deserving?

Surely there’s no use
in pretending...
like I told
the one before
(and the one before him)
standing around
with steely eyes and
sweaty palms
will only
bring on the heat...
no use laying
down promises
one cannot keep

I’m tired
and up to here
with these
new admittances
(ripe with their tall tales)
nothing left to do but
jump the glass pane
(or jimmy the lock and ride
the drain)
I just gotta
get out of here
Mr…what did you say your name was?

Look around
these antiseptic halls
and vacant rooms
are squeezing the life
out of me...
and these people
don’t you see them?
they've all lost their minds...
it's in the food
and the meds
and the way they treat us
I just don't know
who to talk to about it
anymore

A tall man
in a black suit
shuffles in,
speaking softly
of condolence
and arrangement...
standing high
with gable chin
and gurney ~
the people in the hall
are switching their attention
to giddha dance
and have no questions
or comment

thank you for listening
dear sir

this does feel better

I sit, staring through my tears,
still, against the quiet groaning of a heart
which weeps way beyond my reach,
lost within her fears and aloneness,
only tethered to this world
by a frayed grasp of my hand.
and so I hold on.

Reasons to be tearful
1 2 3 daughters
Sitting in Bay 3 in A&E;
Praying for recovery
With oxygen and tlc.
The drip drip hangs silently
While she lays restless
In a bed that's temporary
Leaving everything unsaid
Leaving nothing unsaid
Punctuated with apology.
Cursing the immodest gown
That's flapping around
Dozing within the bustle around
Her exhaustion and frustration
Tainting all conversation
While her smile's still strong
Between episodes of expletion.
Doctors come doctors go
Nurses stay longer than they ought to
Breaking rules to console
While our mum offers up
'I'm sorry' from her heart
And we know this is just the start
Of a brand new hurt.

Something is wrong with my brain
What are we doing?
I think I'm dying
I'm dying
I'm going to die
Am I going to die?
What are we doing?
I'm scared
I don't feel well

-Chu

You.
You who taught me love and kindness and hope
and knitting and optimism and forgiveness and baking.

Yet you were also my first loss.
You taught me grief and how nothing stays the same.
Even a mind can deteriorate so much I wonder it makes me wonder if
you ever were so good.
Maybe I just exaggerate. Because you aren't  here to prove me wrong or disappoint me.
But how could anyone have been so good?

But even if I was looking at you through the rose tinted glasses of youth
I refuse to tarnish my opinion of you
I will keep these glasses forever
I insist.You taught me all this and more.

Because of you I visit grandad more  
to remind me of what
I lost
and a reminder to appreciate what I still have.
That house will always remind me of you
I hope that is ok.

I'm this person today, but tomorrow I'll be someone else
Do not become attached to me,
I'm not the same as I was yesterday  
I'm not the same person you once knew,
I'm not pure
I'm not an angel
I'm far from perfect...
If I talk to you today,
I won't talk to you tomorrow,
I don't know what's going on with me,
All I know is that I don't belong...

If I remember you today
and I forget you tomorrow
Forgive me,
I'm not feeling so well . .
I'm sick and im aware
I'm unconscious of the on-going flings
I tend to make,

If I laugh with you tonight
And show you no emotion tomorrow,
Forgive my judgement...
I live for moments in minutes ,
I die in a matter of hours,
My love is here sometimes
And then it is gone...
I am made of steel,

It's sad to say I can no longer feel....