The world no longer fits.
Friends like fleece
Family like well worn wool
Triple wrapped for winter
Tea that's brewed stronger
None can now heal her

A smile to light the day
A hug to last the night
A keeper of peace
And ender of fights.

The world ill fits her
Her anchor won't hold any longer
She's lost and bewildered
No longer graceful as she grows older
And there's only this frail shadow
Of the woman I still ache to know
Mum, I miss you
Where have you gone to?

I sat by his bedside the day my father died.
The cancer that had riddled his body and soul now had complete control.

He fought kicking and screaming
the night the men in white came to take him on his final journey
like a great wildebeest struggling to get up on its front legs after being taken down by young lions. The way so many had said he
probably would since he fought his way tooth & nail throughout his life from the very beginning.

That night I sat on a chair at the foot of his bed staring out the huge ceiling to floor window of the medical centre at the many worlds hidden beneath thousands of rows of stationary lights and fluid winding rows of transient lights in-between and thought how the light of this window is just one of many thousands.

At that moment it seemed more like just one tiny speck in the vast star fields worlds above this city of light.

My father had spent most of his life just a short six-mile drive from here under the scattered lights of his hometown.

He turned to me and asked,
“That’s a big city. Where are we?"

Dementia had claimed his mind ten or more years earlier. It
slowly wound its way around his brain like a cocky snake
handler being choked by a boa constrictor unawares.

It seemed like it all caught up to his body. But it was good to see much of the bitterness and bad blood between us dissipated over the past decade.

On that night compassion ruled the day.

I could not say it then but it has been many years, where it seems compassion has forged with objectivity.

In a lucid moment he looked around the hospital room
bewildered as if he were a little boy who just woke up from a bad dream and asked,
“How did this ever happen?"
If only I could have told him.

Sometimes the truth cannot be spoken or heard. All I could do then was sit by his bed and lean in close to his ear and sing softly his favourite hymns. 

By morning his lifeless
dilapidated body laid in the fetal position. His once ravenous mouth now forever frozen looked like a knothole in a twisted cedar tree.

All I can do now is hang my head and think of how weak and frail we humans truly are.

Like compassion forged with objectivity, weakness and frailty forges with fleeting moments of strength. We forge heroes out of these moments to tower above
the pedestals the former is made of to somehow minimize the pain of this often denied truth.

Shadows of grumpy old MANisms
run through my channels
flooding my fjords
overrunning my shorelines
and scaring the kiddies
the schoolmarms
the chaff and the raff
   The kisses of clouds
upon my four bared cheeks
as I fall to the Earth again
explore the memories
that we shared together
while cloaked in mist
   The gray twilight shades and tones
take over like gentle music notes
soothing away the agitation and the
frustration of an aging mind
that I myself would run from
if I were still able

   Every day
your memory gets farther away
and so does the toilet

Deep lines, silky skin and unforgiving wrinkles
Silver hairs and vacant, jaded eyes
An empty smile, detached from authentic emotion
“Take care of yourself” you always said.
Take care of yourself, Grandma.

Incomprehensible words and disorientation
Terrorized by the slightest movement
Withdrawn from conversation
And difficulty recognizing relationships
It’s me, Grandma, it’s me.

You sit beside me, eyes wide and body alert
You’re right here but the distance is undeniable
Look into my eyes, don’t you remember?
These are your eyes, the ones you gave to Mama,
The ones she gave to me.

Emptiness behind those chestnut eyes
You abandoned me here, while I stare into them
Your body present but your mind absent
A separation of the soul and the being
I can’t let you go, Grandma, you’re right beside me.

But you aren’t my grandma, are you?
No--You are unaware of who I am
And I don’t know who you are.

Dementia, dementia, disappear.
Bring me back my grandma.

Who are you,
and why have you come?
you, yes you
postured
firm and intent
in those grass roots
and tie-dye...
are you listening?
don’t you know
these sterile walls
and linoleum floors
aren't safe
for anyone?

You really do
look familiar...
did you come
from the farm,
or way down south?
either way
I've nothing
to give
they took it all
at the induction...
left me standing here
with nothing but
a cold green frock...
do you think
it’s deserving?

Surely there’s no use
in pretending...
like I told
the one before
(and the one before him)
standing around
with steely eyes and
sweaty palms
will only
bring on the heat...
no use laying
down promises
one cannot keep

I’m tired
and up to here
with these
new admittances
(ripe with their tall tales)
nothing left to do but
jump the glass pane
(or jimmy the lock and ride
the drain)
I just gotta
get out of here
Mr…what did you say your name was?

Look around
these antiseptic halls
and vacant rooms
are squeezing the life
out of me...
and these people
don’t you see them?
they've all lost their minds...
it's in the food
and the meds
and the way they treat us
I just don't know
who to talk to about it
anymore

A tall man
in a black suit
shuffles in,
speaking softly
of condolence
and arrangement...
standing high
with gable chin
and gurney ~
the people in the hall
are switching their attention
to giddha dance
and have no questions
or comment

thank you for listening
dear sir

this does feel better