Isn't it
fascinating
to think
that we aren't that far away
44 minutes
and 1 day
till I'll say
I've been waiting to see
you
my
friend

On the twelfth day of Christmas I gave to my true love
Twelve drummers, eleven pipers,
Ten ladies, nine lords, eight maids,
Seven swans, six geese and five,
Five golden rings!
Four calling birds,
Three French hen,
Two turtle doves
And a partridge,
A partridge in a pear tree!

And my true love?
My true love gave me nothing in return.

isn't it wonderful to think that the light that I am seeking is also seeking me
healing may come in waves and so does missing you
but I'm giving myself a few more days and days may turn into months and that's okay
because I might not be where I'd like
but I am surely on my way

I’m straining my arms and I’m pulling my shoulders,
from pushing each line and carrying our shared boulders.
And my hands are burned and skin’s scraped,
knuckles cracked and broken fingertips,
a few careless words escaped
and I wished to push them back behind my lips.

I’ve got the motor warm and running,
and the waves have settled as they should,
I write down just how I find you stunning,
I would voice it if I only could.

You ask if I’m confident and I tell you I don’t know,
can I make an impossible jump,
oh holy Holly, I don’t think so.
I’m no Henry, no Fonz, no Winkler,
I’m not a stunt performer on T.V,
I barely run through the sprinkler,
I sure as hell will find death in the sea.

The rope’s as tight as a fresh noose,
and my ski’s barely fit my bottom soles,
my hands are clenched just too loose,
I would prefer to be sleeping on coals.
The crowd’s cheers become a lashing,
blood dissolved into the water and salt,
an angry tail’s now thrashing,
my situation is entirely my own fault.

I’m jumping the shark,
without a trial run.
Leaving an infamous mark,
just before it’s all done.
I’m jumping the shark,
it’s the end to my character arc.
I’m jumping the shark,
desperation has never stood so stark.

I’ve glimpsed shadowed empty sets
and walked among great ruins,
I’m tired of swimming in regrets,
pretty please, can I hide in your flesh wounds?
I’ve been taking theatre classes
to act like I’m not terribly bothered,
but every beach goer casually passes,
my body that’s been brutally slaughtered.

I want to feel the water the way that I once did,
with carefree wonder like when I was a kid.
But I always hated the sand, and the way that it encased my toes,
but they’re calling me to set to stand, to see how this final shot goes.

The hoop is placed ontop of a mild wave,
I wish that they engulfed it first in flame,
they praise me for being so brave
but it’s I, not the shark, that is tame.
They’re calling out the term “action”
and I look for my highlighted script,
I only read a small fraction
before I thought it best to rip.

I’m jumping the shark,
without a trial run.
Leaving an infamous mark,
just before it’s all done.
I’m jumping the shark,
it’s the end to my character arc.
I’m jumping the shark,
cut camera and roll credits in the dark.

I went away and missed the pain of yesterday
missed the tears you cried today
missed the burn of tomorrow

I sit outside, holding my knees
watching the sky put on an art show
I sit there on the grass
and I think back on my life as a kid

my only hurting was ripping a bandaid off my scratched knees
my only sadness was not getting ice-cream
my only fear was losing my lucky teddy bear
my only ‘getting in trouble’ was calling someone meanie

I remember when my happiness was shown everywhere on my face with my messy hair and missing teeth
and my love was always shown from the tight hugs and sweet cheek kisses

my friends were so amazing
they would always have crayons for me if I forgot mine
they would let me take their role of pretend, if I didn’t like mine
they would share their chips with me if I was hungry

having a crush was the best
writing notes was the only way of ‘texting’
the guys would sit next to you and not say anything but it was the most honoring feeling ever
writing your name with his last name was the greatest distraction

my family was so perfect
my dad would read me stories at night until it was past my bedtime
my mom would push me high on the swings so I could touch the sky
my siblings would make me laugh till I couldn’t breathe

what happened to all of that?
how’d I grow up so fast
how can I go back
everything seems unrealistic

being a kid was great
as I breathe deeply and watch the last streak of sun disappear
I thank God for every moment of my childhood
cause that's all I can do, be grateful

This approaching despair,
This feeling like everything’s out of control,
The want to run from myself.
Knowing that you’re done with me,

Feeling like I’m drifting through everyday
Like a rudderless boat in a swirling sea.
Feeling like who I am
Isn’t me.

I’ve felt this before
And I hoped I never would.