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  Oct 2019 pam
not sure if you quite know
how much you mean to me

maybe you don't
and you're oblivious to
the hurricane you cause
in my brain
is that why we are
so far apart?

or maybe you do
perhaps you've seen
this hurricane
the strange brew of emotions
that only appear for you
and it scared you away

no matter the requital
(or lack thereof)
you're still the water
that fuels my wind

my love for you is this hurricane
and i've always loved the thrill
either way
all i know is that you don't feel the same
  Oct 2019 pam
Below the starry sky,
Under the shade of the mango tree,
He said to her "I'm never giving up on you."
That's when they realised,
That they were meant to be.
Everything happens for a reason
pam Jan 2019
i'm tirelessly in love with someone i barely know,
how much more torturing can it get
pam Jan 2019
my feelings are too complex to be expressed
& even when i make them simple
they're still complicated and overstressed
pam Jan 2019
i dream about us every now and then
& picture how it could’ve been
if we worked out together, not just as friends
but that's a dream & all dreams end

i've always wanted you from the start
i could care less if you broke my heart
cause truly, wow, you’re a piece of art
but i’d rather have you whole then part

tell me how you really feel
if you think its small, then what's the big deal
i need you to be authentic & real
just give me your heart & i’ll take the wheel

i thought we’d be perfect, but that was a lie
you could never express what you felt inside
i'm still here, talking to you tonight
but pls tell me how you feel before these feelings shiver & die
  Dec 2018 pam
Janelle Tanguin

I intentionally failed to wish you
a happy birthday this year,
though I know significant dates,
hours, moments, people,
by heart.
I still search for you in boys
I mistake for bandages,
the ones with eyes almost
the same shade of your hazels,
lips resounding your laughter,
resembling a wisp of your smile,
But they aren't you.


Sometimes I pretend you're dead,
because it's less painful
to stop reaching out into voids.


My mom still blames you
for everything that preceded that year.
Though you probably had no idea what happened
when we stopped talking altogether.
Can you believe it's almost been three years?


My dad wonders who was my 'one that got away'
Though, I'm pretty sure he knows
it's you.


Remember how I mentioned Sylvia Plath?
How most everything she wrote
brimmed with melancholy?
How I loved every single word?
Especially that piece
where she talked about expectations
and disappointments.
You'll never know that
up to this day I still think
people are selfish enough to
always, eventually turn into the latter.
Even you.


It's sad I never got the chance
to tell you about Ted.
How she loved him so much,
she just had to dive headfirst
into the flames-- burning herself,
what was left of her--
after she found out
he never really loved her
the same way
she loved him
in the first place.


truth is,
some of us
never learn to accept
the love we think we deserve.


I don't know if you still read my poems
or if you still think about me,
about us, sometimes.
Every time you fall asleep past eleven,
a part of me hopes you do.
because I always remember you--
in birthday candles, red ribbons,
off-tune voice records, golden arches,
concrete sidewalks, pedestrian lanes,
the last flickers of city lights
softly fading out of the blue.
I remember you
in everything, in everywhere,
in everyone.
It's useless, no matter how much I try to forget.
No matter how much I just want to forget.
I want to forget.

But, how could I?

When forgetting means forsaking
the very memory of you.
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