My entire life,
I have been waiting.
For years,
Almost two decades now
I have been waiting.
Waiting,
For the better parts.
Waiting,
For the “soon”.
Waiting,
For my life to begin.
Because,
I don’t feel like I have lived.
In the nearly twenty years
I have been alive
And breathing
I do not feel
In any of those years
That I have been alive.
I don’t feel like a single breath
That I have taken
Has been real.
I feel as if
All these years
I’ve been stuck
Behind a window
Watching as my life unfolds
Before me.
I feel that
I have had
Zero control.
That I am in the backseat
Letting someone else drive.
That someone else,
Is writing on the pages
Of MY life.
But no more.
I will break that window,
I will take that wheel,
And I will write
My own pages.
My life has begun,
And now -
I’m in control.

i cant take you out of my brain, just when i thought i had forgotten all about us, all the memories came flooding down on me. doesnt matter if i try to block you out or find someone new, there will always be a piece of you in me.

lets get drunk with the intention of dancing, kissing, and laughing with eachother. then when everyone asks what happened, we'll blame it on the drinks and never tell the truth about how we really feel

i actually loved you, i fell in love with how fragile you were, how easy it was to access your love and care. i got to know you better, you became my go to, the person that i depended and i loved feeling how much you needed me back. you were like a lover i never had before, someone that matched my vibe even though we were nothing alike at all. i made us work out, ruining everything and everyone involved in this mess including myself, knowing that i only wanted you temporarily. i tried to save myself by drowning in a sea of lesbianism. you made everything seem like it was ok because you were the one to blame, i was never the problem. i lied, manipulated, and shattered you just as much as you did to me. we left eachother with so many questions and open wounds, i still have dreams where i reach out to you and we lay everything down on the table and be completely honest. but dreams aren't reality, maybe one day i'll understand that this was never love, just mutual ****** desires.