Hello,
It's been a while since I've tried to do this.
I've been hesitant to even try this,
But life is getting a little more tough-
More tough than I can bear to handle.
I often struggle to figure out what is wrong with me,
But there are a lot of things that I am concerned about.
So,
Here are my concerns, so far:
-I'm afraid that I'm going to fail
Just like,
Anything that I pursue.
A class,
A test,
A paper,
Even a homework assignment.
Failure is a huge fear of mine,
And everyone else's,
So I'm trying to brush it off.
But it's lingering there,
I feel as if I am destined to be a failure.
-I'm afraid I'll be alone forever
Everyone else has fun,
Everyone else has friends that they hang around with,
On a regular basis.
I have no one anymore.
-I'm afraid I have no purpose
There are so many people,
That know what they want to do,
And what they have to do in order to get what they want.
All of these people,
Have eons of experience compared to me,
And I'm just a speck of dust,
That will probably remain a speck of dust.
-I'm afraid to lose contact with my loved ones
I never initiate conversation,
Because I feel like no one would care either way.
I feel like an inconvenience to so many people,
So I figure better to not connect at all.
But, this poses a problem:
I am rapidly losing my relationships with many people.
Friends,
My mother,
My father,
My siblings.
-I'm afraid of my deteriorating health
Mentally,
And physically.
Mentally,
I am down-spiraling.
I feel like I don't belong here,
Living in this world.
Physically,
There is so much wrong with me.
My legs hurt every day,
And I'm only eighteen.
-I'm afraid to lose the love of my life
This, selfishly, is my primary concern.
I have found the most wonderful person,
Someone that truly fits with me.
They are so amazing,
But I fear that I will lose them quite soon.
Of course,
I am concerned about freak accidents and all,
But I am more concerned about me messing things up.
I don't do enough for them,
And I feel awful all of the time for being less than great to them.
It *****,
Because they're the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.
If I lose them,
I'm losing my life,
My vitality.

So, there are a few of my biggest concerns.
Of course,
These can be broken down into even more concerns,
And there are far more to be mentioned.
But this is an introduction
To why I'm a mess.

Since you came into my life
It was the first time I set my eyes on you,
  it felt like love at first sight.
I knew then that my dreams had come true,
  my feeling was so very right.

Since then i've been constantly thinking of you,
  with warm thoughts that put a smile on my face.
Some of them seeming very real,
  it makes my heart begin to race.

Your voice, when you talk, the way you walk,
  I think you are so very fine.
Your every ways make my heart soar,
  and sends chills up and down my spine.

I look deep into your beautiful eyes,
  to feel something I never felt before.
This feeling, and then I see you smile,
  it just makes my heart melt.

The wonderful feeling of your touch,
  when we were hand in hand.
It makes me smile and slightly laugh,
  now do you understand?

I will treasure all the times we've had,
  and the ones that are to be.
For us, I wonder what the future has to bring,
  I guess we'll have to wait and see.

Being with you, my prayers have been answered,
  I found all I'm looking for.
You are all i'll ever need,
  I couldn't ask for anything more.

I see how fast the days are passing by,
as there’s so much that’s been on my mind,
soon I’ll be sixteen, eighteen, then twenty,
with a mind so clueless of where to be.

I may be just fourteen,
but it really concerns me,
everyone asks how I’ll be,
in my upcoming twenties.

I’ll have to be educated,
find a job that suits me,
one that also pays off well,
then a happy healthy family.

“Keep your eyes wide open
for a bright future ahead,
do not disappoint us”,
my parents said.

I’ve been questioned so many times
that I am now so worried,
soon I’ll be sixteen, eighteen, then twenty,
with a mind so clueless of where to be.

Except i don't.
but let's roll with it

I want to bleed
all the ways
you aspire me to
I want to bleed
all the colors
you could imagine.

I want to be beautiful
even when no ones watching.
I want to be the sunset
the sunrise.
I want to be the sunlight
for you
on your darkest days.

I want to be bleed
and I want to feel
and I want to be
everything you desire.

and I'm not the brightest
my cynicism has made me dull.
and I'm not the prettiest,
I know too many truths
to let myself become nothing more
than my smile.

heed my words,
heed my warnings.

I am more than you desire--

I hope you can handle it.

The worst part about it is I'm still not even 100% certain that this dream will not come to fruition

And it scares me to think that every time it starts to breech the horizon I still wonder if I will see the light of dawn...