I can’t bring myself to tell you how I really feel,
like a friend
instead of your lover.
A friend that benefits you when in need,
feeling pleasures you can’t feel on your own --

because it’s never the same as the touch of the one you fancy.

Making me think you’re interested,
only to ditch me when I really need you.
Pulling on the strings that keep my heart bound --
a heart that I would’ve killed to let you have.
But I got too close,

and now you don’t want it anymore.

But instead of telling me the truth,
you’ll string me along,
let things go unsaid,
and watch as I slowly fall apart in front of you.
Then, and only then,

will you let me hurt,

throw me into the ground and
laugh as cuts and scrapes are made
because it’s not your fault,
and it never is your fault,
that I fell for the same boy who broke me --

time and time again.

Without any signs of disgust,
I’ll believe that you can’t live without me,
that you’ll never be the same,
that you’re hurting too,
maybe not as much as me

or maybe not at all.

You’ll tell me that it wasn’t my fault
that you lost interest,
that things just happen for a reason,
that we weren’t meant for second chances,
or thirds.

I never wanted to hate you --

feel a raging fire inside of me,
whenever I see you.
With nothing left to say to you,
I’ll hold my head up high
and keep my gaze away from you.

I’ll let you push me away.

Everyone told me I could do better,
that you didn’t deserve my time,
but I never believed them,
in hope that something good would come from this
but reliving the past

is never something to do.

Before you,
my heart didn’t know any emotions except
how to feel sad…
sorry for myself.

I’d look in a mirror and instantly regret
ever getting out of bed.
My own worst enemy was the brain
inside my skull.

And eight times a day,
I’d talk myself out of performing the acts
that my head told me to do.
I didn’t want to live,

and I have no shame in admitting that.

I’d sit and try to rack my brain
of the numerous possibilities that someone
would actually care
if I went missing.

I’d count the scars on my skin that
overstayed their welcome,
pick out everything wrong with myself,
every single flaw that I came across.

I used to play with fire.
I’d steal my moms old lighter,
and ignite a flame…
over and over again,

until the idea of the
flame accidentally meeting my thumb,
didn’t scare me anymore.
Until I felt invincible.

After you
came along, everything changed.
Since the day you came back into my life,

my heart knows every emotion possible,
annoyance seems to be its favorite.
Or sometimes it chooses not to feel at all.

Getting out of bed isn’t at hard as it used to be,
if anything it’s harder,
especially after we’ve had a bad night

and by we, I mean you because
you decided to go and ditch me once again,
left me sitting around and waiting

for my knight in shining armour to arrive,
but
he never did,

and he never does.
The sight of you makes me want to
crawl inside my skin

and wait out the storm,
I know is about to hit.
The funny thing is,

even though I’m expecting it and I know
every single ******* time it’s going to come,
you still ******* hurt me.

Over and over again,
and I don’t seem to learn but maybe it’s not even worth it.
Since that day,

feeling invincible in front of the flames,
I’ve never had someone make me feel so vulnerable,
before I met you.

i dreamt of you last night
of your name lighting up the screen of my phone
of us chatting again, talking
as if we're friends
as if nothing happened

i would say that it was as if thing were normal
but that isn't normal for us.
or now is it?

normal for us is,
avoiding
ignoring
questioning
imploring
it's ambiguity and tentativeness
it is stubbornness
and resentment
and bottled feelings
and empty explanations
and hurt pride

normal for us is silence
and things are back to normal

I never knew we’d be on this journey together
And I never knew how quickly we’d say goodbye
A decade or so of memories made and quickly faded
When I thought it would be at least a lifetime

Scraped knees and unfinished lyrics
To some unwritten song you heard in your head
A song about me

You carefully pried the confidence from my core
Bonded it with yours
And in that moment it felt like we were the same person
Breathing
And bleeding
And on the verge of breaking

We’d become entangled in each other
Sharing cigarettes and mouthfuls of golden ales
Bites of gooey grilled cheeses
Thick with summer and excessive amounts of butter

I cried a lot
You sweat a lot
We couldn’t find a way to exist
In the same space
Or even in the same trajectory

Our innocence and sincerity drowned us
Not the poison of my words
Or the decadence of your disregard
For anything I wanted or had to say

No, it was the purity
It was the rawness
The gritty conversations at daybreak

Where the salt water stained our nostrils
And we shivered by the waves
When we saw the dawn illuminate
The faults of our connection

I needed you more than you ever wanted me
I hated you more than you ever loved me
And I loved you more than I loved myself

I valued the fringes of who I was
I didn’t think about who’d I’d get to be
And looking back
I’m glad we said goodbye
I’m content with the plans of us
As never

Today I laid on the floor of a Somali grocery store and tried not to pass out.

I fought the demons of my mind and my heart, which were coming out in the physiology of my body.

"This is a new low" I thought, as I tried not to get sick all over the beautiful fabrics on the shelves.

To have and to hold, to bloom and to bear, to cherish and to love.

"You're in shock, you're in shock, you're in shock" I repeated to myself as I stumbled outside.

This is a never-ending nightmare, a hellish dreamscape, a grief unimaginable.

"Have grace with yourself, things are not supposed to be this broken" I whispered into the couch.

To sting and to bleed, to weep and to mourn, to wound and to dishonor.

It was as if everything exploded and then froze in a thousand pieces in the air.

The frozen pieces stayed there, while my screams did not.

They tore through the night and only the stars could hear me as I mourned, "I'm dying, I'm dying, I'm dying".

The pieces stayed in the air for months, looming overhead.

Until today.

They are mirror shards. And they are piercing me, they are piercing me, they are piercing me.

The unexpected villain. The fickle sin. The heaping grief.

There is blood everything. And I am weeping, I am weeping, I am weeping.