Today you spoke first
Grimacing as you do
Knowing, nobody means anything to you
even me because how could I


-em vidar

I still cry over you.
I still mourn the love we had.
As pure as it was.
I never thought we'd be here.
Though another love has graced me,
I miss your unique touch
And the way you appreciated me.
Mistakes make us.
And break us.
I don't blame you.
I never did.

I can't listen to Van Halen
Or watch more of the shows we binged
Or even eat popcorn
Without thinking of you and everything we had.
Nostalgia plagues me
And keeps me feeling
Even though I shouldn't.

Growing up sheltered
Is not what it seems
It is full
Of pain
Just like everyone else
We hurt, cry, and hate
Only we have to hide
Desperately hide

Crippling perfectionism
Became my sickness
I had to always be right
Or at least justify my wrong
Because I couldn't
Bear to let them down
Let everyone down
Let myself down

I spent every moment
Full of anxiety
Like everyone was watching
Judging
And to a degree,
They were

This sickness festered
Within my mind
It brought me a pain
That I could not explain
Because nothing was wrong
Except me
Something was so wrong
With me

Quietly, every minor failure
Twisted into hatred
A self-loathing
That started to **** me
And I didn't even see it
Until it was so big
It tried to swallow me

You see, my problems
Rooted so deep
I couldn't even acknowledge them
Because having problems
Meant failure

Now, I, the sheltered child
Sit alone trying to heal
With all of my baggage
That appears so light
In comparison
To that of those who
Had it much worse

So in silence,
I long to feel whole
Fulfilled
Knowing how
But my strong desire for
Rebellion
Won't allow

Meanwhile,
My need to be perfect
Won't let me rebel
Because it would mean
Blaming no one but
Myself
So I can't let it out

I find mediums
To release the angst
Nursing a caffeine habit
Instead of *******
Honestly,
The destructive forces
Within me
Wouldn't mind it
Either way

I'm not sorry
that you felt you had no choice
I'm not sorry
you think that it is my fault
I'm not sorry
that the only way for you to deal was with the holes in the walls
I'm not sorry
that the bruises weren't covered easily under my makeup
I'm not sorry
you cannot take your words back
I'm not sorry
that you blame him instead
I'm not sorry
that enough was finally enough
I'm not sorry
you think its unfair
I'm not sorry
I'm not sorry
I'm not sorry
sorry

i need it
it makes me feel better
i couldn't hate my self
so i hated you

Am I sorry for my pain?

Insisting it breeds
Persisting I flee
My brain barred within festering inquiries

Please…

I fumble with an uncontrollable external internal
I crumble as darkness outweighs ever impending nothingness
And I chase after bliss

Am I sorry for my pain?

Looking for light
Bottling fireflies by night
I gaze above—Moon. Stars. Satellite?  

Fazed by love
Yet blazing blood
Causing craze in floods

Maintaining glance
Chained in trance
Craving chance

Am I sorry for my pain?

It takes time to change
Look after yourself while I’m deranged
Fostering pessimism is less than vain
Guessing system—now who’s insane?
Just watch where you place the blame

I’ll never be sorry for my pain