steeped my
skin in ginger
a bathtub brew and
sweaty forehead

but i was
the teabag.

when i shut
my eyes
all i could see
was red lines

rubbing where
they should be
remembering
squinting my eyes
in main street sun
thighs burning

(dear goodness
i don't know how
i ended up here
again after so long)

opened my eyes
saw my wrists

white and
whiter scarred
but i always
picture them as
red and
redder slit.

gasping for hot
and humid air
motivation is
strangely illusive
but visualization
forever inclusive.

i'm boiling alive
or bathing to die
in scalding bathrooms
of appalling apathy.

have you ever
taken your hair
out of a towel and found
it completely dry?

me
neither.

the odd part is
i don't hate life
i only hate who
it's made me out to be

how when i'm simmering
in a soupy soapy bath of
eucalyptus and hot water
i can see my body so clearly

see everything i despise
so clearly

(on second thought
it's only the things i
love about myself that
never come into focus.)

i can't stand how when
i'm sad the tiniest things
feel like malicious jabs
to my stomach

i could feel it
the panic attack
waiting for me
lurking behind
my heavy eyelids
scratchy jeans
mustard sleeves
funeral apron
polyethylene
under my skin.

(i'm sorry if you think
i'm not listening
because chances are
that i'm not
it's not anything
personal
it's just that i live so
completely in my own
head that i occasionally
forget what's going on)

last night before
i fell asleep i gave
the thoughts in my head
names and personalities
let them speak in their
own original voices.

(of course in the
morning i'd
forgotten the details
but they're still up there)

i keep seeing people
who i don't want to talk to
a sick side effect of
leaving the house

if there's anything i'm not
it's bulletproof in an apron
right in the head
or relaxed in a bath.

My emotions are a pool, draining
through the empty space between fingers
pulsating downward as solidity wavers

Death has skewed my memory
Callous disposal has mutilated me
Fear has silenced me

I watch my passion spiral
down the pond I cup in my hands
through the empty space between fingers

Numbness is approaching
as the unsoaked, dry portions of my body
repel my last drops of feeling

At bathroom
i'm singing
a song
so sound
no budy
watching
my song
but
i'm singing
my self
broken word
just with
bath room
door broken
so nice

No more bloodbaths
Let's just make love in the bath

Warm warm bath
I watch all my problems evaporate
With the steam rising
And vanishing away
It takes away the rush of the day
The big and small worries of the world
It calms me, calms the rhythm of my heart
And all burdens lift and float away
They return to me later
Just like the steam
As it becomes droplets of water once again
Running down the wall
Only for a few moments
Just those small moments
I am free