I remember the hugs you used to give me before I really knew you.

I remember feeling weirded out by you asking me out over instagram.

I remember the first time I stood close to you, thinking I felt something there.

I remember you saying hurtful things in the beginning.

I remember sitting in the back of my car, just talking until 1am.

I remember being unsure if I wanted to be with you at first.

I remember sitting on the floor of my dorm, and asking you to kiss me because you were too oblivious to do so.

I remember feeling rushed by your want for instant commitment.

I remember how much I wanted you, and how right it felt being with you.

I remember feeling weird about dating someone from work.

I remember the times you made me cry of happiness.

I remember being hesitant about going public about our relationship.

I remember times I was shocked at how intelligent you seemed.

I remember being frustrated at how stubborn you were sometimes.

I remember how happy it felt to be in the car with you.

I remember the times when you let me down or left me to my own devices when I was sad.

I remember how you made me feel like I was a kid again.

I remember the time I sat crying on the floor after you told me I'd have to give up passing my culture to my kids.

I remember wearing your jacket in North Carolina because it made me feel like you were there.

I remember talking to my guy friend on New Year's because you went to sleep and missed midnight.

I remember the smell of your laundry detergent and how it makes me smile even now.

I remember the times you said you weren't sure if you wanted me around.

I remember loving your family and wanting to be a part of it.

I remember your family kicking me out onto the street when I became an inconvenience.

I remember the times I just wanted to stare at your face because I couldn't believe I loved someone this much.

I remember wondering if you ever truly loved me.

I remember the things you did for me that made me feel loved and complete.

I remember the times when I felt like a burden to you.

I remember the times you were truly there when I needed you, even when it was inconvenient to you.

I remember the times when you weren't.

I remember the kisses you'd give before going to work in the morning.

I remember feeling lonely on the days I didn't hear from you.

I remember loving your flaws, because they were a part of you.

I remember telling myself that your behavior was ok because there was an explanation.

I don't want to remember the ugly. I know it was there. But I don't want to think of you that way. I want to think of you fast asleep on my chest after a long day.

I want to think of not being able to wake you up because you are such a heavy sleeper.

I want to think of you getting excited over snails.

I want to think of your kindness.

I want to think of your love.

But that is not all there was.

There was hurt. There was pain. And there were times I sacrificed who I was to be loved by you.

But I don't want to remember that. I want to remember the love.

I'm a hurricane,
In your summer paradise.
I am propane,
In your ocean.

Phone rings..Guurll.. hey sis!
HRU hello... todays crazy yo.
Girl sit down tell me, yes I know
I know the stress, its crazy today right..
yes, I knowa.. ..
Today just ain't the day..tell me bout it.
Lord let me just Pray,
I can not Adult today..
I'ma be actin like a child
throwin temper tantrums and it wont be mild.
Sis let me say this..
I can hear the stress in your voice,
The mood in your tone.
Like Hey Leave a sistah alone..
Seems like every thing came to drive ya insane.
Gurl I feel ya pain..
Now here's the thang..
You  can chose to vent it.. Come on now vent it..
I 'm hearing you..
..&^%#@%&
Nah your not threw there's some mo inside of you.
&^%$#@%^
Get it all out.
Yah that's right, I heard that, fo real, Oh The nerve, see now,
whattt's , Girl naw,, shut up.. ah hell no.. Say what, Oh no she/he didn't.
Wonder whats that all about,
SHOUT, get it all out. tell em..
Now here' u sum.."What eva's, "this isn't gone worry me's", "I don't have time for it" and  some "I'm done, I'm over its". Put on some  new fits.
Because we  gone drink a glass of.. In my own world Juice, or  sip some tea of Sleepy time I Got You Tea", And or  have some, My life is blessed with Peace Fruit slices...
Add some cheese and crackers of..I'm a Queen and In control snacks.
As we sit back and put our feet up, ready to brush ourselves off of all those wacks.
Ain't got time for that's..
Listening to some rhythmic melodies
Of its all about me's.
As The tunes fill the room. Gone get your rest on, hang up the phone.

selinasharday 6/2020

It's just not in me not to love. It's my greatest weakness. No matter how badly someone treats me, I'll always make excuses for them, because it's so hard to accept that some people are just... Bad.

Let me clear something up:
ALL HUMANS ARE PSYCHOS.

And you can't tell me otherwise
Because we are.
We weren't born this way,
We were made.

And yeah you may not act like it,
But let me tell a secret...
You've got it in you.

We all do.
We can all be bad.

We weren't born good or bad.
When we were born,
We were like clay.
Mouldable.

We were taught the differences between good and bad.

We were taught to be good.

But do we really know the difference?

Say a kind person is called 'good'.
That same person can hate someone.
That person can be bad.

Because being a bad person isn't just killing someone,
Or stealing, doing drugs.

A bad person has dark thoughts.

And you can't tell me you have never had such a thought before.

Because I know you have.

Therefore, all humans are technically bad.

We just don't consider ourselves to be
Because our definition of good and bad,
Isn't ours.

It's someone else's.

Our definitions are based on what we see around us.

People may be innocent...
But that doesn't mean that they're not bad.
They just haven't done anything...
Criminal.

Yet.

It happens too easily these days...
I end up with a mustache or a teardrop.
Together they're too much but none is not enough.
Crying over love or pressure.
Never both.
Never together at the same time.
Living in solitude.
Among the other lost ones that sometimes forget how lost they are.
Escaping in the walk to the grocery shops.
Or the drilling through the walls.
The brick walls that have holes now.
At least it's warm outside...
At least the sun is shining today.
But I'm thinking as I'm sitting: what am I still doing?  Still being.
I need to go somewhere to find something else.
Or else I'm a dead woman every day.
Taken away by everything.
Too much.
A quirky little mustache.
A pretty little tear.
A dancing in the street.
A song on the staircase.
Real true love.
Too much pressure.
Too much.
Mustache!

When i only got, me, myself, and i

to deal with, I will always get brought

down. No matter how hard i try,

i wanna be a falling star, Fly

as high as an eagle eye,

my whole life is just a lie.

I ask my self every day, why am I even alive?

Is there a point to living? Why do I cry?

every time I feel so happy or is this what feel like to

...... Die