i didn’t know it would change.
not like this.
not slowly.
not without a moment to hold onto.

you laughed.
it made me feel safe.
alive, even.
that kind of light doesn’t happen often.
and I chased it.
all I wanted to do was make you laugh.

now it’s quieter.
your name shows up less.
you don’t ask to see me.
you wait for me to reach out.
and even then, it’s different.
you say “maybe” to us hanging out.
like i’m the last person you want to be with.

i used to be in your bed.
i used to feel okay there.
like nothing could break me as long as you were near.

now i’m a little lost.
a little cold.
a little too aware of the space beside me.
between us.

maybe i used you.
not on purpose.
but to feel whole.
to feel wanted.
to feel like i could breathe.

that wasn’t fair to you.
i know that now.

but i still miss you.
i still check my phone.
still wonder what you’re doing.
still remember how your presence softened everything.

i’m adjusting.
some days are easier.
some days are still heavy.
but i’m learning to sit with it.

i want more.
not as much as you’d think.
just a little more.
even now.
even if i shouldn’t.
even if you don’t.

and maybe just missing you has to be enough.
I don’t see another way out.
you totally caught my attention.
and now, i fear how hard it will be to get it back.

I crave communication but I want to stay quite
I would love to spend time together but I want to be left alone
I desire to be held but I want my skin untouched
I need someone to care but I want to keep my wall up
I look forward to helping but I want to hide in my home
I enjoy smiling and laughing but I want to cry
I rejoice in feeling alive but i want to feel numb

I want this fog of darkness to end
I want to get lost in my husband's touch
I want to show my love without limits
I want to feel the gentle breeze moving through my curls
I want to sit and listen to all your words
I want to feel like me again

-Shelly Ramos

I'm a rectified nut. An idea ****.
I'm fine, as long as I hide the signs.
It's whispering lines in my sleep
that makes my secrets
hard to keep.
I'll try. but really just don't care
I don't care if
you stand and stare
I'll wear a tutu
get your own
and it goes quiet
and I'm alone.
The fizzy clouds and fluffy pop
this lucid world
confuse me not
for I am paper, you are rock
and I'm the key
and I'm the lock.
Pick up the pace and race on forth
I'm bored, this world just won't move forward.
"Mundane, find I
the sounds of day."
Good lord, don't judge by what I say.
It's true, we met when we were young,
But since then we've not got along,
You choose I and I choose We,
I think your mind is alien to me.

What is happening

is overexposed, only --


the core can be seen.

I'm restless: the moon

stands still while it is moving --


imperturbably.

Quiet your mind and you may find
peace in such stillness.
Your life feels like chaos when
the music drowns out any possibility of
silence inside.
How can you even think with lyrics of
mesmerizing dandelions
clanging through your consciousness?
From the left and right
distractions dissect your attention.
Why is it so hard
to turn off the music?
Silence is scary—
a frightening thing to befriend.
Some fear the dark, yet
you fear the quiet.

I keep practising,

letter by letter I read --


your body, your soul.