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Ashley Jun 2017
Can I just write a poem that says "**** the police"
for every single line
for every single stanza
and leave it at that?

Because I'm imagining his next victim, because there will be a next one,
and how she will feel when she finds out that he had my former report
on his private police record, accessible only by certain police.

I want to scream, but the metal chain he put around my throat to choke me because
"ha ha you like that, right?" after I had already said no
is still there, so nothing can come out of my mouth,
except I've been screaming as loud as I can for so long;

One year and I'm still not free.

His body weight is still crushing me, still heavy; the bruises on my body still felt every day, my body a museum of decaying loss and my mind a perfect video recording that plays on repeat whenever I just
want
some
sleep;

Nightmares I wake from and can't wake from.

I think one of the hardest days of my life was when I got my **** kit.
I mean- you know- other than the actual ****.
I developed a stutter that day.
I blame myself.
I blame. I -I- I blame myself.
But I can't!

All of the "no's" that I said to him didn't matter, the police said;
everything non consensual didn't count;
it was only the one coerced "yes" that counted;

Scared for my life but, **** the police, right?

And all the times that I said to the police "yes" that I was *****,
collapse and boom like a bomb on deaf ears of police that tell me that,
"maybe you just regretted having *** with him."

Or how about when they rolled their eyes when they learned that I met him on tinder?
I gave them a smile and answered that yes, that's true, because what else was I supposed to do but tell the truth?

Or the first thing they said to me was "so then you had a few drinks..."
Well no, sir, that's not what happned, at all.

See, there have been multiple levels of injustice here and I thought I was doing the right thing to heal.

In my partial hospitalization program that I went to for PTSD,
that I got from my ******,
I learned that the "right" thing to do was to seek help right away after a traumatic incident so that it doesn't lead to lifelong suffering;
Quick help leads to a faster recovery,
and I've always wanted to do the right thing:

Like getting him arrested for ****** me.

But the police don't listen even when your body has been confiscated, graffiti marked by your ******,
and the police tell you coldly to just seek counseling because, after all,
you "consented,"
and that your ****** isn't a ****** in the eyes of the law.
A ****** isn't a ****** but is a ****** and he's going free.
I did the right thing but I'm still stuck night after night, waking up crying;
I wonder who will be next, and that person's weight is added on top of me;
The gallery of bruises he inflicts will just continue, and I wonder where on snapchat will they be next?
This is an edit. Please let me know what you think. There's another version on youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ah4Z4KKv8lY
A suspicion grew in my mind,
not about my lover, as he slept
beside me, statue like, with his fingers in my hair.

No, it is the world that plants
seeds of doubt, what once I
thought safe is suddenly
the open mouth of a fearsome
dragon

He turned the streets I was raised in, into a battleground. Soldiers firing shots, unpinned grenades.

Another theft, a function vital to my survival. To be in the prison of poisoned, toxic bubble of solitary confinement.

We are a world that lets these monsters lure innocent girls and women to their graves, to die without dying, to ****** without killing...

To clamber through fog, walk blindly through a forrest, all pleasure and peace erased by a single act.

I may breathe still, my heart undoubtedly beats, I am the not dead, ******, in a haze of soul aimed gunfire.

Blasted, I crawl like a dog, licking my wounds, dreaming of revenge.
Seeker Jun 2017
its always my fault
with my face full of makeup
bare skin showing
my tight clothing
my "female" attitude

was i drinking?
what was i wearing?
well how much makeup did i have on?
did i give him false intentions?
maybe i shouldn't go out at night

except

i wasn't drinking
i was fully clothed
i had little makeup on
i had a boyfriend
and it was in the middle of the day

but

even if i was drinking
even if i was wearing a short skirt with a small top
even if i had a lot of makeup on
even if i was flirtatious
and even if it was at night

it wasn't my fault

i said no
i said stop
i cried
i trembled

i went to a clinic
and the police were notified
but i was the one questioned
like i was the one who decided this
like i wanted this

"it's a man's nature"

no it is not.

i am so sick of hearing that.
my boyfriend
is the sweetest
most caring
affectionate
human i know.
he loves me for me
he respects me
and i know he would never hurt me.
it is not in his nature to assault someone

so stop telling me
it's a "man's nature"
no it ******* isn't.

and it was not my fault either.
it was his.
i said no.
what is there not to understand
about the word
"no"

people always tell me the police care
i have never laughed so hard in my life
no they don't
they care about protecting reputations
rather than saving the hurt

we're in a world
a society
where protecting the boys
is more important
than helping the girls

and i am here to tell any victims
whether you are a male or female
that it is not your fault
ever.

what a ****** up thing this world really is.
Seeker Jun 2017
sometimes i wish i could go back
and tell myself not to go that day
tell myself to stay home
don't use the car
eat at home

sometimes i wish i could go back
and tell myself to not trust him
tell myself he's unprofessional
you can find new friends
in public areas

sometimes i wish i could go back
and warn myself
that something will happen very shortly
if i choose to go out for lunch
instead of stay home

sometimes i wish i could go back
and make different decisions
make a decision to find food at home
and to not trust everyone you meet
because there are some terrible people right under your nose

but i was only eighteen
i had 2 hours to spare
it was lunch
i was hungry
and you offered to bring me out to lunch

i shouldn't have gone
i should have stayed home
i shouldn't have waited in your house for you
i should have seen the signs
and then everything turned upside down

because as i yelled for you to stop
you covered my mouth
and as tears ran down my face
you got angrier
and i got scared

i wish i could go back
and not go out to lunch

i wish i could go back
and not run into that situation

i wish i could go back
because then maybe
just maybe
i wouldn't have been
*****
Seeker Jun 2017
you act like it didn't happen
like I'm completely fine
and nothing ever ruined me

you don't know what its like
and i don't expect you to

but as a sister
i expect you to care about me
like any sister should

you never care about when I'm sad
you never ask me how I'm doing
or if i need anything

you tell me to get over it
to move on
to start acting like an adult

excuse me

any person
whether they are 9
19
28
or 47
would be affected just the same

we never asked for this to happen
and it should never happen to anyone else

"act like an adult"

i am

i am acting like the true person i am
which is an adult who was ***** by someone she trusted

you don't know what its like
and i don't expect you to

but care
care for me
I'm your younger sister
and you should care for me
like i care for you

I'm always there for you
through everything
thick and thin
but why can't you be there for me
for something i don't know how to deal with

all I'm asking for are
ears
hugs
and an understanding of how i feel

thats all

i just want the person i look up to
to still be in my life
Seeker Jun 2017
so i sit on my deck
typing on my computer
in the shade
but the sun is infront of me
and i feel the wind brushing by my ears through my flyaways

i wish i could figure my life out
and seek help

i want to go back and dig deep
i want to go back into my past
to bring up all of the dirt
and secrets
so that i can move on

I'm stuck
and i don't know how to deal with my past

i have so much baggage
i am my own airport
except i don't know where to move on from
or where to go back to

but my mom dying
my dad abusing me
my depression
my anorexia
my anxiety
my assault
my ****

is all haunting me to this day
even though its been

9 years
8 years
7 years
7 years
7 years
3 years
1 year

i feel like i am so ****** up
i can never be fixed

i feel so trapped
with all of the freedoms that i have

i moved away
found new friends
found a soulmate

but I'm stuck
and yet still positive that i will eventually get through this

i just don't know when
when ill finally be able to be at peace
with all thats happened

i don't know who to tell my troubles to
and this poem is me venting
because this site are my ears
no one will listen
so i write to you
the readers
the site
my computer
my online brain and thoughts

so ****
i need someone to help me
i need someone to tell me what to do

because i am lost
in my backyard
where i look out
behind gates
and a pool deck

white privilege
but real issues lay behind me
in my middle class home
where i should be happy
in my backyard
Seeker Jun 2017
you said it was just a misunderstanding
but it wasn't
how could you say that
i understand perfectly what happened
why can't you

it was not a misunderstanding
i said no
i said stop
i cried
i yelled
i trembled
and i was in both physical and mental pain

but he didnt listen
he was forceful
and aggressive
and i couldnt wrap my head around what just happened
until several hours later

you found out the next day
and decided to come up with your own conclusions
but you won't listen to what actually happened

you ignore
and pretend its nothing
that it was a misunderstanding
and that i am okay

well i am not okay
it was not nothing
and its okay to not be okay
and its okay to have something going on in your life

but you weren't there for me
even though you tell everyone you were
she wouldn't be proud
and you know exactly who I'm talking about

she's looking over not just me
but you as well
and she's devastated

as well as i am

because it was not a misunderstanding
it was assault
it was ****
it was wrong
Hailey Paige Jun 2017
I feel ***** because of what you did to me
and no matter how many times I clean myself.
The image of your hands on my body
Never seems to fade away...
William Lee Jun 2017
Father sits at the head of the table
Strong and loud and proud.
Across the corner, to his right  
Mommy sat up straight.
Straight across again from her,
Is stubby chubby Bobby.
A yawn,
a stretch,
His eyes are fighting lack of rest.
He was awake far too late,  
but can you blame the boy?  
He turns sixteen today.

Finally, was little Annie  
half her brothers age.
She sat alone at the table’s end
A chair apart from mother,
A chair away from Bobby.
She hid behind the table’s edge
That faced her towards her daddy.
Her face she hid in the elbow-pit
of her bent right arm,
hoping no one notices

the scratches that cover her face.

“So good to have us all together,”
Father shouts away,

“A shame, indeed, when work keeps me
from my loving family.”
His hair is short, straight, stiff and blonde,
gelled perfectly in place,
Yes, so very neat and clean.
Though, not so flattering.
The hair has a hateful streak
you’d swear,
It seems determined  
to bloat and puff,
the Rosacea cheeks he wears.
The sun dyed shadows underneath
the neatness he perceives as
all important.
The cousin of Rudolph
he could be called,
his cheeks ignite and flush,
but still he wears his toothless smile
after tasting his ten A.M. toddy.

Mommy’s hair is a black whirlwind
attempt at taming with a scrunchie,
Yet failing to mask the mess it was.

Understandable,  
acceptable,
she had cleaned the house again.
Wiped every crease  
and every surface

no filth hides from her hawk eyes
Though the house was spotless  
when she began.
She still smiles,  
“Oh yes! So good!  

It’s been too long indeed!

We all are grateful for father’s attendance,
for Bobby’s sweet sixteen.”

Bobby’s smile didn’t fit his face,  
He’s too fat to reveal all his teeth.
No fault of his of course,  
happenstance and lottery
Still,  
that smile of his is one you simply never seem to want to see.  

“I’m really quite ecstatic myself,”  
Bobby proclaimed (every tooth exposed),
His teeth fade away  
He looks at his plate
“And although I know, I still wish,
I could have had a friend attend.”

Annie was neither stupid nor blind,
when three faces glanced
and two danced away.
But Father spoke up, addressing his daughter,

Shouting what he had to say,
“You know how stressed,  
little Annie gets!
With big days like today!
It’s not all bad! It’s for the best!  
I’m myself am very glad!  
See how well she has behaved?”
Bobby gave a knowing nod, and threw Annie a glare.

Annie did not respond;
Annie simply stared.

Father made a violent sound;
saved himself from a phlegm cave-in.
Now prepared to roar once more
at an eight-year-old with tremors.

Yet the words were nothing more than whispered.

“Now, Annie, why is your beautiful face so scratched?”

Annie did not respond.  
Annie simply stared.  
Then tucked her face in her elbow pit,
and swallowed a chunk of tears.

Mommy heard the gagged-up sorrow
and quickly interjected.  
“I found steel wool in the bath again,  

Annie likes them so.
If I’ve told her once  
Then I have a hundred times more,
They remove the filth from the dishes,
but not from little girls.”
Annie says,
“I know.”

Mommy fibs inside again,
a lonely little liar.  
Wishes her intervention  
was that of heroic martyr,  
But mommy interrupted
to save herself from silence.
Because sometimes in the noiseless stillness  
mommy feels an echo
it bounces from her spine to sternum.
That’s when she feels the lack of soul.
Hollow, mommy. Hollow.

Mommy held her smile hard,  
the silence only wins inside.
Glued-on cheer feels natural,
if you only wear It for a time.  
Her sawblade smile stayed
so perfectly monotone;  
statuesque.

The echo’s echoing too much,  
surely all the others hear?

Mommy croaked a giggle out,
and passed the cake around.
“Eat up! Eat up!
I worked so hard!  
I made it perfect!”

There were three plates that did not hold cake,
At least not for very long.
Seemed Annie simply liked the look,
And what a look it was!
Mommy made a masterpiece  
To say less is heresy!
Yet, now down two slices of masterpiece,
stubby chubby Bobby’s peace,
was no longer something he could keep.

“My God, how rude!
Annie hasn’t touched her food!”  

Father was just behind,
he, too had no peace of mind,  
he bellowed out,
“It really is rude!
It’s simply not fair!”

Mommy’s echo broke through the noise,
Mommy stopped responding;
mommy simply stared.

Stubby chubby birthday boy Bobby,
spitting frosting and cake:
“You, ungrateful brat!  
Why do you act the way you do?”

Mommy tried to intervene again;
She tried to save the day.
But hollow people make no sound,
they simply waste away.

So, of course, that could only mean,
Annie gets a chance to speak!
Why does she act so disturbingly?
With scratches and tremors,  
and a tummy full of swallowed hate?

Annie said,
“I can’t just make believe that Daddy doesn’t **** me.”
Samara Jun 2017
You walked in.
Shocked of course,
What mother wouldn't be?
Even a step mother at that.

But still, you left.
Closed the door behind you
After you shook my hand
"My name is Sam"
"Nice to meet you."

I wish you had said something.
Said you don't allow ****** in your house.
Told me to get out and never come back.
Forbade him to ever see me again.
Screamed at him for bringing me here.
But you didn't. You just, left.

Didn't you see?

See the way I jumped across the room
The first moment his grip on my arm slacked.
How his calloused fingers dug into my wrist.
The tears, brimming in my black lined eyes.
How my muscles, barely there, strained to pull away.
"Don't make me do that don't make me do that don't make me do that."

I just wanted to go home

Didn't you see?
This is a very personal piece to me. I was sexually assaulted by an ex boyfriend about two years ago and recently I have started having nightmares about it again. One nightmare is the first time he assaulted me and his step mother caught "us".  This is the telling of that through my eyes.
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