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Seeker Jun 2017
so i sit on my deck
typing on my computer
in the shade
but the sun is infront of me
and i feel the wind brushing by my ears through my flyaways

i wish i could figure my life out
and seek help

i want to go back and dig deep
i want to go back into my past
to bring up all of the dirt
and secrets
so that i can move on

I'm stuck
and i don't know how to deal with my past

i have so much baggage
i am my own airport
except i don't know where to move on from
or where to go back to

but my mom dying
my dad abusing me
my depression
my anorexia
my anxiety
my assault
my ****

is all haunting me to this day
even though its been

9 years
8 years
7 years
7 years
7 years
3 years
1 year

i feel like i am so ****** up
i can never be fixed

i feel so trapped
with all of the freedoms that i have

i moved away
found new friends
found a soulmate

but I'm stuck
and yet still positive that i will eventually get through this

i just don't know when
when ill finally be able to be at peace
with all thats happened

i don't know who to tell my troubles to
and this poem is me venting
because this site are my ears
no one will listen
so i write to you
the readers
the site
my computer
my online brain and thoughts

so ****
i need someone to help me
i need someone to tell me what to do

because i am lost
in my backyard
where i look out
behind gates
and a pool deck

white privilege
but real issues lay behind me
in my middle class home
where i should be happy
in my backyard
Seeker Jun 2017
you said it was just a misunderstanding
but it wasn't
how could you say that
i understand perfectly what happened
why can't you

it was not a misunderstanding
i said no
i said stop
i cried
i yelled
i trembled
and i was in both physical and mental pain

but he didnt listen
he was forceful
and aggressive
and i couldnt wrap my head around what just happened
until several hours later

you found out the next day
and decided to come up with your own conclusions
but you won't listen to what actually happened

you ignore
and pretend its nothing
that it was a misunderstanding
and that i am okay

well i am not okay
it was not nothing
and its okay to not be okay
and its okay to have something going on in your life

but you weren't there for me
even though you tell everyone you were
she wouldn't be proud
and you know exactly who I'm talking about

she's looking over not just me
but you as well
and she's devastated

as well as i am

because it was not a misunderstanding
it was assault
it was ****
it was wrong
Hailey Paige Jun 2017
I feel ***** because of what you did to me
and no matter how many times I clean myself.
The image of your hands on my body
Never seems to fade away...
William Lee Jun 2017
Father sits at the head of the table
Strong and loud and proud.
Across the corner, to his right  
Mommy sat up straight.
Straight across again from her,
Is stubby chubby Bobby.
A yawn,
a stretch,
His eyes are fighting lack of rest.
He was awake far too late,  
but can you blame the boy?  
He turns sixteen today.

Finally, was little Annie  
half her brothers age.
She sat alone at the table’s end
A chair apart from mother,
A chair away from Bobby.
She hid behind the table’s edge
That faced her towards her daddy.
Her face she hid in the elbow-pit
of her bent right arm,
hoping no one notices

the scratches that cover her face.

“So good to have us all together,”
Father shouts away,

“A shame, indeed, when work keeps me
from my loving family.”
His hair is short, straight, stiff and blonde,
gelled perfectly in place,
Yes, so very neat and clean.
Though, not so flattering.
The hair has a hateful streak
you’d swear,
It seems determined  
to bloat and puff,
the Rosacea cheeks he wears.
The sun dyed shadows underneath
the neatness he perceives as
all important.
The cousin of Rudolph
he could be called,
his cheeks ignite and flush,
but still he wears his toothless smile
after tasting his ten A.M. toddy.

Mommy’s hair is a black whirlwind
attempt at taming with a scrunchie,
Yet failing to mask the mess it was.

Understandable,  
acceptable,
she had cleaned the house again.
Wiped every crease  
and every surface

no filth hides from her hawk eyes
Though the house was spotless  
when she began.
She still smiles,  
“Oh yes! So good!  

It’s been too long indeed!

We all are grateful for father’s attendance,
for Bobby’s sweet sixteen.”

Bobby’s smile didn’t fit his face,  
He’s too fat to reveal all his teeth.
No fault of his of course,  
happenstance and lottery
Still,  
that smile of his is one you simply never seem to want to see.  

“I’m really quite ecstatic myself,”  
Bobby proclaimed (every tooth exposed),
His teeth fade away  
He looks at his plate
“And although I know, I still wish,
I could have had a friend attend.”

Annie was neither stupid nor blind,
when three faces glanced
and two danced away.
But Father spoke up, addressing his daughter,

Shouting what he had to say,
“You know how stressed,  
little Annie gets!
With big days like today!
It’s not all bad! It’s for the best!  
I’m myself am very glad!  
See how well she has behaved?”
Bobby gave a knowing nod, and threw Annie a glare.

Annie did not respond;
Annie simply stared.

Father made a violent sound;
saved himself from a phlegm cave-in.
Now prepared to roar once more
at an eight-year-old with tremors.

Yet the words were nothing more than whispered.

“Now, Annie, why is your beautiful face so scratched?”

Annie did not respond.  
Annie simply stared.  
Then tucked her face in her elbow pit,
and swallowed a chunk of tears.

Mommy heard the gagged-up sorrow
and quickly interjected.  
“I found steel wool in the bath again,  

Annie likes them so.
If I’ve told her once  
Then I have a hundred times more,
They remove the filth from the dishes,
but not from little girls.”
Annie says,
“I know.”

Mommy fibs inside again,
a lonely little liar.  
Wishes her intervention  
was that of heroic martyr,  
But mommy interrupted
to save herself from silence.
Because sometimes in the noiseless stillness  
mommy feels an echo
it bounces from her spine to sternum.
That’s when she feels the lack of soul.
Hollow, mommy. Hollow.

Mommy held her smile hard,  
the silence only wins inside.
Glued-on cheer feels natural,
if you only wear It for a time.  
Her sawblade smile stayed
so perfectly monotone;  
statuesque.

The echo’s echoing too much,  
surely all the others hear?

Mommy croaked a giggle out,
and passed the cake around.
“Eat up! Eat up!
I worked so hard!  
I made it perfect!”

There were three plates that did not hold cake,
At least not for very long.
Seemed Annie simply liked the look,
And what a look it was!
Mommy made a masterpiece  
To say less is heresy!
Yet, now down two slices of masterpiece,
stubby chubby Bobby’s peace,
was no longer something he could keep.

“My God, how rude!
Annie hasn’t touched her food!”  

Father was just behind,
he, too had no peace of mind,  
he bellowed out,
“It really is rude!
It’s simply not fair!”

Mommy’s echo broke through the noise,
Mommy stopped responding;
mommy simply stared.

Stubby chubby birthday boy Bobby,
spitting frosting and cake:
“You, ungrateful brat!  
Why do you act the way you do?”

Mommy tried to intervene again;
She tried to save the day.
But hollow people make no sound,
they simply waste away.

So, of course, that could only mean,
Annie gets a chance to speak!
Why does she act so disturbingly?
With scratches and tremors,  
and a tummy full of swallowed hate?

Annie said,
“I can’t just make believe that Daddy doesn’t **** me.”
Samara Jun 2017
You walked in.
Shocked of course,
What mother wouldn't be?
Even a step mother at that.

But still, you left.
Closed the door behind you
After you shook my hand
"My name is Sam"
"Nice to meet you."

I wish you had said something.
Said you don't allow ****** in your house.
Told me to get out and never come back.
Forbade him to ever see me again.
Screamed at him for bringing me here.
But you didn't. You just, left.

Didn't you see?

See the way I jumped across the room
The first moment his grip on my arm slacked.
How his calloused fingers dug into my wrist.
The tears, brimming in my black lined eyes.
How my muscles, barely there, strained to pull away.
"Don't make me do that don't make me do that don't make me do that."

I just wanted to go home

Didn't you see?
This is a very personal piece to me. I was sexually assaulted by an ex boyfriend about two years ago and recently I have started having nightmares about it again. One nightmare is the first time he assaulted me and his step mother caught "us".  This is the telling of that through my eyes.
refresh mesh May 2015
Your fingers are on my throat
   the world is rocking like a boat
an ocean
is unbearable
because it never seems to end
   and all I can do is float

   Your lips are rosebuds that never stop moving
   and somehow I find my own disgust soothing
my fingertips
are numb
whenever I lose myself to the waves
   but you're deaf so I'm unsure what I'm proving

   Your move was the deadly spawn of knight
   I sacrificed my pawn, paralyzed by fright
we will protect
the king
from sicknesses like you, *******
   Checkmate. I never lose a single fight.
delete this poem
George Anthony May 2017
i am not yours to pursue,
nobody's to claim, to obsess over
you do not have the right to ignore my declination
nor to see my rejection as a challenge;
i am not a game or a puzzle
if you think my "no" is a jigsaw piece fitted in the wrong place
there for you to move and arrange
again and again
until you finally hear "yes"
then you are too much a child for my liking
too much about the conquest and not enough about the person.
my "no" will not be manipulated into a "yes",
you cannot play me into your hands

i am not a gamer, i am an artist
i will sketch thicker lines, make my "no" bolder
NO
i will add more tone, make it sterner
add more shade, allow my anger to cast shadows over your reputation
and it will not be hard to outline your true colours:
you've already revealed so many.
i don't need to paint you as a villain; you have done that much yourself
you too are an artist, in your own right...
you've smudged your lines so much, you've crossed boundaries.
your so-called love is not delicate pink―it is blood red and sticky.
your so-called affections leech the grey from my palette
and leave me seeing you in black and white.
oh, there's not much white, not much innocence
you are an all-consuming black; your desire to swallow me whole is abyssal

i will not be the reference of your portraits,
you cannot draw me in
your kind of passion disgusts me; you are not a true artist.
there'll be no soft brushes between us,
only sharp edges of craft knives
as i carve into your determination and soften that hardened clay
into something i can mould and shape,
something i can twist away from me.
six years is a long time for something to be set in stone
but i have a sledgehammer will and i refuse to feel backed into the corners
of your lustful foundations.
i do not wish to be a masterpiece in your eyes any longer.
i never asked you to admire me.
i will not be hung on your wall.
Boys go through this ****, too. I did. Twice.
Cat Mitchell May 2017
I wish I could go back and say no louder
I wish I would have pushed you off of me
I trusted you with everything I had, and you ruined that with a few simple actions
Why didn't it stop that night?
Why did it continue for months?
I knew it was wrong, but I just went along with it
My body ridged with fear
I remember saying stop
But the words I said were ignored
So you could be in bliss
I still can't remember it all
My brain has saved me from the details
But it is etched in my memory and will never go away
That I am a survivor of an assault
An assault on not just my body, but mind and soul
Trust shattered
I can't even kiss without thinking of those night I lay under you
If I just said something after that first night. That first kiss. That first touch...
Would I still be broken?
Sonia Thomas May 2017
I live on the inside more than the outside.
But, I allow the outside to get in sometimes.
I let the outside slowly caress the inside and ****** it.
Come out for a walk with me, he’d say.
Words don’t matter here. You can be who you want.
The inside, she’s soft.
She resists the brightness, she craves the cave --
The land of mirrors we’re walking through that she’s so used to.
Where it’s just us and our words and the magic we weave with them.
Outside, we grab *******, we grab attention, we grab,
We don’t differentiate between the sinners and the saints
We take and we take and we take.
Just like the song, just like the song.
We’re not here to fight. But, the inside, she’s defiant.
I hold my insides and weep,
I weep for the the land grabbing
My body is not mine anymore.
I am a slave to the outside.
The inside pulls me back in and we bulldoze through the Land of Mirrors.
We’re not alone anymore.
We’re a lot of voices.
We’re a cacophony.
We’re a chorus.
We’re a choir, raising our arms to the heavens.
Take me out, dare me to fight
I will write;
I am inside and outside today.
Grab what you can, extra extra this just in!
We’re crawling out of ourselves and dancing on the streets
to reclaim what’s mine and ours and yours.
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