Skin and bones,
She'd break with stones.

Starving for perfection,
Dreading her rejection.

Paper thin,
Brittle winter sins.

Behind brown eyes a shadow walks
Children love
And hearts break
Behind brown eyes blood is spilled
Secrets are kept
And lies are like oxygen
Behind brown eyes are left over feelings when
She kills herself inside
And buries the hatchet
Behind brown eyes lies a secret
Blood that burns
And metal that soothes
Behind brown eyes hunger waits
For an answer
And the answer never comes
Behind brown eyes lies Ana
Ana who is cold
And Ana who lies
Behind brown eyes is a broken soul
Who believes she is unfixable
And believes she is unloveable
Behind brown eyes lies me

Yesterday morning I remembered the comfort of hunger pains.
I ate as little as possible at lunch,
and didn't eat when I got home.

For the first time in almost a year,
I skipped dinner
and looked at photos of bodies I wanted to have.

For so long I was able to eat without worry,
and I never thought about skipping meals,
I was able to change the idea of a "weight goal"
To simply having a goal to be happy.

What is happening to me?

You ask me, what anorexia is like.

It's like slipping or twisting your ancle without anyone seeing, no one to help you up.
You sit until someone comes by, they help you up, but after a while you slip again.
This time your sitting in mud and slowly sinking into it.
And when you're two feet into that hole, a person comes by and tries to help you since your anvle is hurt.
But you're afraid they'll fall too so you ask them to leave.
You start to crawl out and finally get up, but slip again.
You fall down in that hole again, and this time you beoke your entire leg.
It starts raining and the hole grows deeper.
It's 5 feet deep now.
One of your well known friends comes by and tries to help you, but ends up throwing you a shovel.
But actually you start to like your hole, you take contact to people, who also fell into a hole.
There are sites on the internet, some shows how to get the deepesr mist perfect hole.
Other shows how to get up.
But you're sad, and you like your hole, so you try to get that deepesr one.
You want to win this, you wanna show everyone who called you weak that you can get the deepest hole in the world.
But when you're 20 feet under ground, and everyone starts to notice your hole.
Everyone is willing to help you.
And suddenly you have 20 shovels, and 20 stairs.
But you can't decide wich one is better.
*That's what being anorexic is like

I wanted long , thin legs
A skinny waist
And collar bones that stick out.
I wanted to be pretty.

But what I didn't want
Was the price.
Skippy meals,
Using constant excuses.

I wanted to be perfect
But instead,
I was lifeless
and years later I still pay.

I soon reached my goal,
But was the price I paid worth it?

I can’t count the number of times I have read that little quote
Superimposed over black and white photos
Of those skinny girls
Sick girls
Stick-thin pictures of girls that my best friend tells me are impossible
Your words
Nothing
Tastes
As
Good
As
Skinny
Feels.
Oh no, my dear, nothing tastes as good as being whole
Feeling whole
Skinny doesn’t have a taste
But if I had to give it one, it would be
The taste you have in the back of your mouth when the alcohol’s washed down your throat
Sour and burning
Skinny tastes like it's pressing on my lungs
Skinny tastes like the inside of the mouth of someone who you know will never love you
I kissed ana long and hard in the dark but her bones
All
Snapped
When I pressed too hard.

Body shaking, stomach burning inside
to out, escape and leave me, for I mistreat
you terribly and I am not sorry. Each day is a

struggle, yes, but each morning a glimmer
of hope reflected in vanishing numbers tied to
sluggish skin. Your breath on my neck and

her arms around my shoulders, stretching the
concave of my chest and the hungry cut of my jaw,
twin collarbones thrusting out like the tip of a blade.

Why don't you eat?
Simple question, right?
You'd expect a simple answer that's not what you did though.
So, why don't I eat?
I'm tired, I'm tired of not feeling good enough.
I'm tired of looking like this.
I'm tired of wanting to be one of those skinny ones.
When you look at me what do you see?
I see myself and I see fat.
I see not good enough.    
I see not skinny enough.
I see ugly.
So why is it that I don't eat?
I want to lose weight.
I want to be one of the skinny ones.
I want to fit in.
I want someone to notice how much weight I'm losing.
I want someone to notice me.
You eat and think nothing of it.
I eat and I think about how I'm going to have to work it all off.
How I must get rid of it, I must not eat, how it's not worth it.
So, I don't eat.
I say I'm not hungry, in my head I say I'm not good enough.
I step on the scale and see as lost weight.
I get happy, it doesn't last though.
I want to lose more.
I go days without eating trying to lose weight, I pass by mirrors and keep my head down, afraid to see how I look.
Afraid to see I'm not losing weight fast enough.
I eat something small and feel guilty, thinking something small will only make me gain weight.
There are days when I want to eat, I want to give up and eat a huge meal.
I have to get past the urges.
Telling myself that I don't need to eat.
A ******* here and a ******* there, a glass of water to keep myself alive.
I run into my body hurts, until I can't breathe.
As the days go by my body gets weaker and weaker, it gets harder to focus, I wake in the middle of the night wanting food.
I tell myself I don't need it.
I tell myself that losing weight is worth more than food.
So, why don't I eat?